(KRISTIN,
JEFF, and NATALIE are all at a coffee shop.)
KRISTIN: So, we’ve
decided then?
NATALIE: Yes. I’ll go back.
JEFF: Natalie—
NATALIE: It’s fine,
Jeff. I can go back. I like Rhode Island.
JEFF: You’re allergic
to shellfish!
NATALIE: That doesn’t
necessarily—it’s fine!
KRISTIN: So I’ll move
to New York.
JEFF: So I guess I’ll
move to L.A.
KRISTIN: Oh my God, I
can’t wait to take photos of creepy people on the subway.
JEFF: I’m going to
have to work out so much.
NATALIE: And I’ll
start posting links on Facebook about things that aren’t true.
KRISTIN: I’m, like,
really excited to become an adult, you guys.
NATALIE: I’m so glad
we got all this straightened out. I was
afraid we were all going to want to move to the same city—
JEFF: Oh my God, that
would be so embarrassing.
KRISTIN: Like—oh hey,
everybody—look at us. Three friends all
doing the exact same things with their lives.
NATALIE: Kill me.
JEFF: So New York,
L.A., and Natalie goes back to Rhode Island.
Perfect.
NATALIE: Or Chicago.
(A
beat.)
KRISTIN: What?
NATALIE: Or, like,
maybe I’d go to Chicago. For, like, a
year or something.
JEFF: Uhhhhh…When did
we discuss this?
NATALIE: We didn’t. I’ve just been thinking about it.
KRISTIN: Yeah, and I’ve
been thinking about doing paleo, but I put it to a vote first, didn’t I?
JEFF: Good luck
getting me to give up tortellini.
Goooood luck.
NATALIE: What would
be so bad about a year in Chicago?
KRISTIN: Natalie,
what is Chicago? Like, what even is it?
JEFF: Oprah isn’t
even there anymore. Oprah, like, broke
up with Chicago.
NATALIE: I just think
it seems cool.
KRISTIN: So you don’t
want to move back to Rhode Island?
NATALIE: I mean, I
wouldn’t mind it, but I don’t know if that’s definitely what I want to do
forever.
JEFF: I knew this was
going to happen.
KRISTIN: Why can’t
you guys just make a plan and stick to it?
JEFF: Whoa, whoa,
whoa. What do you mean ‘you guys?’ I’m sticking to my plan.\
NATALIE: Oh, you’re
so full of it, Jeff. You told me two
days ago that L.A. freaks you out and you want to go to Seattle instead.
KRISTIN: EXCUSE ME?
JEFF: That’s
practically L.A. anywhere! It’s like—on the
same side of the, you know, beach!
NATALIE: Coast?
JEFF: Thank you! You know I have trouble finding my words when
I’m nervous.
KRISTIN: Seattle?
JEFF: Oh, shut up,
Kristin! You get to go to New York. Nobody cares if you don’t have a six pack in
New York—you don’t understand the kind of scrutiny I’ll be under!
KRISTIN: You don’t
think I’ll have trouble living in New York?
Do you know what the rent is like in New York? I’m going to be paying thousands of dollars
to live an apartment the size of a pantry!
NATALIE: Well, where
else would you rather live?
KRISTIN:
Honestly? I kinda want to live in
Kentucky.
JEFF and NATALIE:
KENTUCKY?
KRISTIN: I don’t
know! I DON’T KNOW!
JEFF: Why Kentucky?
KRISTIN: It just
seems nice.
JEFF: Have you ever
actually been to Kentucky?
KRISTIN: Have you
ever been to Seattle?
NATALIE: I’ve been to
Chicago.
KRISTIN and JEFF:
Shut up, Natalie!
JEFF: You started
this. Look what you started! This has been started!
NATALIE: Why can’t we
all just do what we want to do?
KRISTIN: So Jeff’s
going to live in Seattle and be boring, and you’re going to live in Chicago
and, like, do improv and eat deep-dish—
JEFF: Oh my God, I
love deep dish.
NATALIE: I know,
right?
KRISTIN: --And, like,
eat at the original Uno’s—and I’m going to be in Kentucky and we’re going to be
the lamest people ever!
NATALIE: Maybe
deciding our futures as a group isn’t the way we want to go.
JEFF: You need your
friends to tell you that all the choices you’re making are wrong.
NATALIE: No, I don’t,
Jeff! I have a mother!
KRISTIN: One of you
better move to New York! I need a place
to crash when I go see Wicked.
JEFF: You’ve seen it
six times.
KRISTIN: I will end
you right now if you get into it with me about Wicked.
NATALIE: Kristin—
KRISTIN: End. Your.
Life.
JEFF: Does anybody want
to swap with me? I’ll move to Chicago—even
if it is Oprah-less. I just don’t want
to move to L.A.
KRISTIN: Well, I’m
not moving to L.A. I can’t be around
people who smile all the time. I always think
they’re hiding something.
NATALIE: Maybe I
could move to New York?
JEFF: I’d go back to
Rhode Island. I’m like a ten in Rhode
Island. Like, in L.A., I’m a four. But in Rhode Island—
KRISTIN: I’m
sorry. You think you’re an L.A. four?
JEFF: I’m not?
KRISTIN: You’re like
an L.A. two.
JEFF: That’s so mean!
NATALIE: Kristin!
JEFF: Natalie?
NATALIE: Okay, yeah,
you’re, like, a two—two point five, max.
JEFF: Now I’m
definitely not going.
NATALIE: So wait, am
I going to L.A. now?
KRISTIN: Where am I
going?
JEFF: Can I please
just go somewhere where I can be fat? My
metabolism is literally slowing down by the minute and I need to plan ahead for
that.
NATALIE: Can we just
take a second?
(A
second.)
Okay, now—Kristin?
Dream place?
KRISTIN: I—
NATALIE: Dream place?
KRISTIN: Iowa.
JEFF: IOWA?
KRISTIN: Yes.
JEFF: What happened to
Kentucky?
KRISTIN: I thought Kentucky
sounded cooler, but if I’m being honest, then—Iowa.
NATALIE: Okay, fine—
KRISTIN: Oklahoma—
JEFF: THAT’S A RED
STATE, KRISTIN!
KRISTIN: I WANT A
FARM! IT’S NOT POLITICAL!
JEFF: THEN WHY DO
THEY CALL IT AN ANIMAL FARM?
NATALIE: Jeff—
JEFF: Tokyo.
KRISTIN: What?!
JEFF: You know how
much I love karaoke.
KRISTIN: But—
NATALIE: And mine
would be Toronto. So…
(A
beat.)
ALL: …Cool.
KRISTIN: You guys,
our Facebooks are going to be, like, wicked interesting.
JEFF: You’re going to
run a farm.
KRISTIN: You’ll be,
like, in another country.
NATALIE: So will I.
KRISTIN: No, you won’t. You’ll be in Toronto.
NATALIE: I…Never
mind.
JEFF: We’re going to
be the best best friends ever.
NATALIE: I love you
guys so much.
KRISTIN and JEFF:
Awww—
NATALIE: But I never
visiting that farm.
JEFF: Me either.
(A
beat.)
KRSITIN: That’s fair.
(Lights.)
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