Leaving Rhode Island: Traffic

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for coming today

My name is Scott and I--

I appreciate you giving me the time to—

--And I’d like to apologize for being late and—

The thing is, just—Can we—uh—

I don’t mean to take up anymore of your time

But—I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but—

What is it with Rhode Islanders wanting everyone else to be late?

Have you noticed that?

Sorry—I sound like I’m doing stand-up up here

We’re supposed to be talking about quarterly projections but—

--You know, I’m in my car, and there’s this car in front of  me going—

--Oh my God, I’m not exaggerating—twenty miles an hour

If that—down Smith Street

So it’s one lane, so I can’t—you know, pass him

And of course, it’s one of those times

When it seems like he’s going to the exact same place

That I’m going

But I’m thinking—

Well, that’s okay, because once he turns onto the next street

It becomes two lanes

And I can pass him

So he turns onto the next street

And then I turn onto the next street

And just when I’m about to pass him

He gets in the left lane

And starts speeding

Starts going, like, fifty

And at first I think—

Oh, okay, great

Well, now I don’t have to pass him

He sped up

But THEN I think—

Why the hell wasn’t he going that fast

When I was behind him?

And I know it sounds paranoid

But honestly?

My thought—is—

That we have this thing in Rhode Island

Where we don’t want anybody getting ahead of us

We don’t want anybody passing us

And we get some kind of sick joy

Out of making somebody late for something

Or just, you know, slowing them down

Even if it means we’re going to be late too

I mean, why else would eighty-year-old men

Decide to go for a leisurely drive

At 8am on a weekday

When they know they’re just going to slow down traffic?

Why else would traffic at the split

Start at 2pm and not end until 6pm?

Why else would it take FORTY MINUTES

TO GET FROM ONE END OF MINERAL SPRING

TO ANOTHER?

DRIVE PEOPLE

JUST FUCKING DRIVE ALREADY

     (A beat.)

I apologize, uh…I…

My husband is leaving me

And that’s…

We were sitting in traffic the other day

And he just decided he couldn’t do it anymore

He couldn’t…sit and wait

For something to happen

So…

I got out of the car

I couldn’t stay there anymore

I just…got out of the car

And started…walking

And it felt good

It felt good to walk by all those cars

With people sitting in them

And know that I could move

That I could move too if I wanted to

As long as I was okay

With not moving too fast

But, you know, there are places you can’t go

On foot

Believe it or not, there are still places

You have to…wait…to get to

…But…

Anyway, let’s talk quarterly projections

That’s what I’m here for, right?

Might as well…get to it