A Visitor from Pittsburgh

He drinks bottled water
I've never seen anything like it

I mean, I don't begrudge him
His little...quirks

But Jesus, God
Who asks for bottle water
At someone else's house?

I would never, I just...

God, I'd be mortified

Bottled water?

Ha!

But he's from Pittsburgh

Now, I don't know anything about Pittsburgh
But I know it's not exactly the epicenter of etiquette

I try to help
I try to...steer him towards some sense of...
Decorum?  But--

No use, no luck

What will be will be

I even left a few of my columns on the dresser
In the guest room
Hoping he'd see them
But no, or if he does--
He doesn't read them
Or if he reads them
He just doesn't care

He's a brute, really
If you want the truth
A strange sort of brute though
One who drinks bottled water

He does his hair properly
He wears nice clothes
His nails are trimmed
But there's something about him, that's just...

Ha!

Listen to me...

He's an old friend of George's
Just...an old college buddy

I expected some frat boy to show up
Dirt on his collar
Mud on his shoes
Cursing and drinking
And overall rough-housing

But no...

Odd, yes
Cold, very
Even rude sometimes
And all these...quirks

But studious and neat and, uh...
Not what I expected
At all

...I'm really not sure how things are in Pittsburgh
But if our visitor is any indication then...

It would seem that the men there are...

Very...unique

I want to write an article about it
But George says it would be impolite
And he's correct
For once, he's accurate in pointing out
That something is...not appropriate

Of course, he's also the one
Who told me we'd be having a visitor
A mere six hours before the visitor showed up

That's George for you
More considerate of a friend he hasn't seen in years
Than he is of...

So I wrote a column about wedding invitations instead
How to respond to one
How to decline without offending anyone
How to say that you're going alone
When the person sending you the invitation
Thought they'd be seeing two of you
You and your better half

Oh well, he's sick
Oh well, he's tired
Oh well, he's been working so much

I had quite a lot to say on the subject

George, uh...

Well, enough about George

...Hm...

No, I, uh...Well...

The other day, when George and our visitor left to go play pool
--So early in the day for pool, but--
I went into the guest room, and...
The bed was undone
The maid hadn't gotten around to it yet
She was still down in the kitchen
Cleaning up from breakfast
And, I, uh...

I got in bed
The empty bed
Oh, I love that bed in the guest room
So many blankets
It covers you right up
So, it wasn't very strange of me to do, but...

The smell of him

Of our visitor

Was there

It was...pungent, really

Very strong

Cologne, and...something else, something...

I laid there and I thought...

What if I went downstairs
Sent the maid home
Then came back to the bedroom
Got into bed, and...waited...

For George, and...the vistor

Waited for them to come home
And find me there
In bed
All covered up

What would happen next, I wondered
What would be the next thing?

What do three people do in that sort of a...situation?

I couldn't...

I couldn't solve it, that idea, that problem
Of, uh, circumstance--in my mind

So I just laid there
Thinking about getting up
And thinking about not getting up
And not doing either

But just trying to imagine
What it is
I should do next