Immune

I’m going to confess something to you

And then I don’t really want to say

Anything else

And it’s not because I don’t like you

Or this project

You seem nice

But I just have one thing to say

And I’m going to say it

And that’s going to be it

Okay?

Okay, so—

I used to be one of those people

Who thought that one of the ways

You prevented, uh, getting attacked

Was to watch how you dress

I’m a very conservative dresser

And just overall a pretty conservative person

And I just never saw myself

Being in a situation

Where anything would happen to me

Because I thought it was about the kind of choices you make

About, uh, where you go

And who you hang out with

And how you present yourself

To the world

That kind of thing

I felt pretty confident

That I would never find myself

In a position

Where I would be, uh

In any kind of trouble

Because, again, you know

I’m very old-fashioned

Always have my boyfriend with me

Always have my wits about me

I don’t drink—at all

Not at all

And so when, um…

Okay, so what should I tell you

About this

That’ll…

My boyfriend was the one

He was the one who, uh

Who did it

And at the time

We were at this party

And he had been drinking

But not much

And, uh

I was wearing—

Gosh, I think I was wearing

Like a sweater

It was winter

And I had just had a cold

And my hair wasn’t—

I did not want to go to this party

I remember telling him, my boyfriend—

We had only been together—

It was new

It was a newer thing

We had been together

For about two months

Met at another party

And he was great

He was a good guy

I thought

You know

I thought he was

And I didn’t want to go to this party

Because I remember thinking

I looked a mess

I mean, that was exactly

How I thought about it

But I go with the flow

When it comes to the guys I date

And what they want to do

So we went to the party

And it was fine

I made the best of it

Even though I really

Just wanted to go home

And so we go back to his apartment

And when we get there

He immediately is just—

Very all over me

Very pushy

And I sort of laugh at first

Like, I think he’s joking

And then, uh

It becomes very clear

That he’s not joking

And I notice that the more I’m resisting

The more he’s, uh, getting pushy

And kind of—

It was like he was trying

To overpower me

And he’s got, uh, quite a lot of weight on me

He’s like twice my size

And this wasn’t even happening

In his bedroom

This was on the floor

In his kitchen

Like—

On his kitchen floor

And I—

I only wanted to say

That I was, uh—

The argument about—

Because he used it

That argument

Probably because

We had actually talked about it

About how neither one of us believed these girls

Who wear this or that

And then get raped

Because it’s like—

Well watch yourself

Watch how you present yourself

But he’s full of it

Because there I was

On his kitchen floor

Not looking any kind of way at all

And I feel terrible

About what I used to say

I feel like a piece of you-know-what

Because that was stupid of me

I’ve met so many women and—

And that’s what I wanted to say

It’s got nothing to do with anything

But that guy

And whatever it is

He wants to take from you

And when he wants it

And the fact that he thinks

You owe it to him

I could have been wearing

An astronaut suit

And he would have done

The same damn thing

I was his girlfriend

And so he could do whatever he wanted

And he was older than me

Had his own apartment

And he’s good-looking

I won’t say he wasn’t

But he thought that all that

Meant he had the right

To do whatever he wanted

Not just to me either

But just—as a way of life

That he could have it all

And have it how he wanted it

And I helped with that

Right up to when

He threw me on the floor

I was telling him

That everything he thought

Was right

And that I was his

And I just—

I just gave away my power

I just gave it away

It doesn’t mean I’m to blame

But—

But I’m mad that I thought

I was immune to what happened to me

That anybody is immune

I thought if I trusted men

Really trusted them

And let them know

That I trusted them

They would feel responsible

For protecting me

And that’s not how it works

Once they know you’re vulnerable—

And we’re all vulnerable

That’s the thing

We all are

No matter who you are

Or how you think about…

We’re all in the same boat

That’s what I think

That’s what I think now