In the Fall

Everybody’s already talking about

How excited they are

To start college in the fall

And I’m…

Hang on, I'm sorry
I shouldn't have just--

Started like--

Uh

Can I start again or does it--?

Okay, so it doesn't?

Okay

He’s going to the same school as me

And I was really excited about it too

That’s the crazy part

I was looking forward to us

Going there together

Because I thought, um--

I thought that
He was really cute

And I thought…

How much am I allowed to say about him?

Like, am I going to get you in trouble or—

Okay, so…

He’s really artistic

He has long brown hair

He plays in this band, and—

And he’s very—socially conscious

Like when #MeToo started

He was very supportive

Of all the girls who were posting it

And calling out guys

Who girls were talking about

And that was—

That was really

What I liked most about him

Because I just thought—

Wow, like how amazing
That a guy could be that supportive
To a cause like that

And, um
After the thing that--

After what he did
He begged me

Not to say anything

And I didn’t get that

Why didn’t he just stop or--

And then we wouldn’t have to—

But he tried to act like

He was drunk

And he wasn’t

He had, like, one drink

I saw him
I saw him have one drink

And then I saw him, like—

Pretend to be drunk

And I thought it was weird
But I didn't get what he was doing
And he's, you know, he's kind of weird
He's kind of a weird guy
Like, interesting weird
So, I don't know
I just didn't think anything of it really

And so when he asked me to walk him home

Because we were at my friend’s house

And he lives a block down from where she lives

And then I’m two blocks over

And, um, he asked me to walk with him
And I said ‘Oh, I’ll walk with you’

Because it was fine
He was cool
It wasn't a big deal
Even though I knew he was faking
With, um, being intoxicated

When we got to his house
He wanted me to come in

And he said something cute about, like

Putting him to bed

Or something

And it didn’t seem sexual at all

So I thought it was fine

Because even though I liked him, I—

I just wasn’t thinking of that

Like, we weren’t even dating

I just thought he was cute

We went inside

And as soon as we were in his bedroom

That was it

And...

I mean, how much do you want to know
About--

I'll just--

I screamed at the beginning

I did

I was like ‘Get off me’

And I screamed it
Really loud
I can't believe nobody heard me
And—

He kept going

So him being like—

I was drunk

I didn’t know

Well, he's lying
He's lying about that

And even if he wasn't lying
So what?

You’re going to rape girls

Every time you get drunk?

And he was like—

Nobody will believe you

Everybody knows me

They know how I am

Nobody would believe

I’d do something like that

And it was like—

It was like

He didn’t even believe it

What he did

But I thought maybe he was right about

Telling other people

And I just—

School was pretty much over

And I just wanted to put it behind me

That was…

That was a few months ago

And, uh—

I still have really bad anxiety

I have nightmares

I can’t be, uh, alone

But also, like, being with people is—

I have pains

Where the bruises were—still

I’m really jumpy

And I was never like that before

Someone went to give me a hug

And I jumped, like, ten feet

This guy I'm dating now
--It's like really hard for me to date
But, I met this guy
And he's really nice
But us being affectionate with each other is--

It's just really difficult

Sometimes I get really sick

And I throw up

For no reason

A lot of stuff just—

There are just a lot of things
That are difficult for me now
That I would have never--

And I'm going to see him

In the fall

I mean, I just know I am

It's not even about--

Someone said something about
Feeling unlucky or something
And I'm like--

No, it's not even about that
I just know I'm going to see him

I just know it

And I don't know
What I'm going to do
When I--

And so I'm having all this anxiety
And, like, all my friends
Are so excited
To start college
And just, um, start this brand new life

You know, it's supposed to be
The best years of your life
And I'm--

I'm not feeling that way at all

I'm dreading it

It hasn't even started yet
And I get sick
Just thinking about that first day

Just thinking about seeing him
I'm--

I'm not sure what I'm going to do

But I think about seeing
All those people
The students
Moving into the dorms
And going to class and, um--

It feels like they're going to be kids

And I--

I feel so different
From them

Not even older, just--

Different

Everything about me, I--

I just want to know
If I should even bother

Um...

Going to college
Or just...

I'm talking to someone now
About these, uh, how I'm feeling
But--

It's still there
Every day

This feeling of--

How much longer, you know?

How much longer
Do I have to feel
This way?

How much longer
Until I'm me again, or, uh--

But...

That's the thing

I don't...

I don't know if I can get back to
That person
That I was

I don't...

I don't even remember, really
Who she was

And is that--

Is that, like, because of what happened
Or is it just--

Growing up?

Like, would I have changed anyway?

I don't know

I, uh...

Is that enough?

Can we--

Okay, thank you

I'm sorry

No, I know I don't have to--

I'm trying to stop
With that
With saying 'Sorry'

I just--

I don't know

After what happened
It's all I say now

Isn't that weird, like--

All I say is 'Sorry'

And why?

Like, what am I sorry for?

What did I do wrong?