The Things They Asked Me

And when I wanted to get him expelled

I had to go before this committee

Of these—

I think it was four men

Four white men
Older guys

And, uh, maybe three women?

And they didn’t talk, by the way

The women

They didn’t talk the entire time

So I don’t even know

Why they were there

Just for presentation, probably

They probably grabbed a few women

Off the street

And just sat them there

So they could say

I had a fair hearing

And they asked me questions

That were—

Well, as they were asking them

To me—

And maybe there’s a record of this

I don’t know

I’m sure there is, but—

I don’t—

I wouldn’t keep that on me

Or anything

I do remember

A lot of the questions though

They wanted to know

How long I had known him

They wanted to know

How much I’d been drinking

At the event we were at

They called it a party

It was not a party

It was just a small gathering

For the department

It was not some rave

Where people were getting

Drunk and high

Not that that matters at all

But I could tell the kind of—

This is the worst part

Is that you can tell

What kind of narrative

They’re setting up

And, in reality, there is no narrative

Where what he did is okay

But you’re kind of—

Negotiating the narrative

So that you wind up

With the result you want

And in order to do that

You sort of have to quietly concede

That there are some instances

Where what he did

Would be somewhat justified

And that, believe me, is the worst fucking part

Of the whole thing

So they’re asking me

About the party

I say ‘It wasn’t a party’

They asked me about

What I wore

Of course

Was I flirting with him?

Did I touch him?

Do I remember telling him

That I wanted to have sex with him

Then they rephrase the question

So it’s—

Did I remember telling him

That I wanted to have intercourse with him

Oral sex with him

That I wanted him to get naked with him

All of that

Like an interrogation

It was an interrogation

They were interrogating me

You know, you hear stories

About lawyers

Who used blaming the victim

This was—

They were supposed to be

An independent body

Or commission or whatever

Looking into this

And determining

What sort of punishment

He should have

And instead

They’re acting like his fucking lawyers

Have I used drugs before?

Had I used drugs that night?

Why do I think he did this?

They asked me

What I thought

His motivation was

Think about asking someone

The victim of a crime

Why they think

It happened to them

It’s like—

Don’t you think
I wish

I knew?

And I also wanted to say, to ask—

And why are you doing this to me?

This—

This inquisition

About my rape

Why is this happening?

And he didn’t get expelled

He didn’t even get suspended

He got some kind of mark on his record

That—who knows if it’ll even go on his record

I mean, I’ll never know

I’ll never know if it doesn’t

That was my experience

With them

With the school

And they made it very clear

That after they came to their decision

They wanted me to shut up

I mean, I felt threatened

From them, that panel of—

And from other people

There were threats

I can’t really go into it, but—

Trust me

There were threats

Aside from that

We live in a society

Where not only is it okay

For a man to rape you

But don’t you dare

Try to hold him accountable for it

Don’t you dare

Try to say it was wrong

There is a system set up

And that system

Is there for him

And, so, when you see this tidal wave

Of women now coming out
And saying ‘This is a problem’

And you hear other people saying—

Well, why does it have to be a tidal wave?

Why does it have to happen

At such a gigantic and, uh, seismic level—

It’s because we’re not just trying to root out

One or two guys

Who are bad—

Who are bad people

We are trying

To disrupt

A system

A system that would sit a woman down

And ask her if she asked her rapist

To rape her

They asked me

If I like rough sex

If I like aggressive sex

If, at any point while I was being raped,

I told him it felt good

That’s what we’re up against

Those are—

Those are the questions

We’re being asked, and—

And you wonder why somebody would look at that

And go ‘No thanks’

And stay silent

And just—

Just not try to do anything?

I wish I had done nothing

I wish I had just…

Never said anything

And just—

Just kept it

To myself