(A castle. DRACULA is hanging decorations. THE COUNT is playing the organ.)
DRACULA: Is Nosferatu coming?
THE COUNT: I sent him three--three invitations.
DRACULA: And he did not respond?
THE COUNT: He did not.
DRACULA: Typical.
THE COUNT: I don't think he likes me.
DRACULA: He doesn't like anyone.
THE COUNT: I've heard from three--three people that he was talking behind my back.
DRACULA: Saying what?
THE COUNT: That I'm not really a vampire.
(A beat.)
DRACULA: I see.
(A beat.)
THE COUNT: Are you not shocked to hear such a thing?
DRACULA: I mean...It's not very nice.
THE COUNT: It's not true!
DRACULA: It's very rude.
THE COUNT: And untrue!
DRACULA: I hear you.
THE COUNT: Four! Four times you have not agreed with me that it is untrue.
DRACULA: It's just that--
THE COUNT: Yes?
DRACULA: I've never seen you, you know, do vampire stuff.
THE COUNT: Do you not see my teeth?
DRACULA: Teeth are teeth. I'm talking about using them.
THE COUNT: You're talking about biting?
DRACULA: I'm talking about biting.
THE COUNT: You want me to bite people?
DRACULA: That's...what we do.
THE COUNT: How many people would you like me to bite?
DRACULA: It is not about me wanting you to bite people.
THE COUNT: Three? Should I bite three people?
DRACULA: You like the number three very much I have noticed.
THE COUNT: What number do you like?
DRACULA: I am partial to seventeen.
THE COUNT: Then I will bite seventeen people.
DRACULA: If that's what you want to do.
THE COUNT: I have a question.
DRACULA: Yes?
THE COUNT: Can any of them be muppets?
DRACULA: What?
THE COUNT: There are not a lot of people on the street where I reside. Can I bite muppets instead?
DRACULA: Wait, you actually live on Sesame Street?
THE COUNT: Yes. I am resident of Sesame Street.
DRACULA: Isn't it a street in New York?
THE COUNT: Yes.
DRACULA: You mean to tell me there is a castle sitting on a street in New York City?
THE COUNT: Yes.
DRACULA: Where? Next to the Sbarro?
THE COUNT: Two. Two houses down from the T-Mobile.
DRACULA: And you can't find any people to bite?
THE COUNT: Muppets are just more convenient?
DRACULA: People muppets or--?
THE COUNT: Well there aren't a lot of those.
DRACULA: So you're going to bite an animal?
THE COUNT: I would never. You can't go around biting animal muppets. They're adorable.
DRACULA: So who--?
THE COUNT: Maybe a monster? Got a lot of those. Two monsters. Three monsters. Four--
DRACULA: It's pointless to bite a monster. That doesn't make you a vampire.
THE COUNT: Now you're in charge of who is and isn't a vampire?
DRACULA: I never said that.
THE COUNT: You said it multiple--multiple times!
DRACULA: I'm just telling you how you can show that you're committed to the cause.
THE COUNT: It's a cause now?
DRACULA: I won't apologize for having pride in who I am.
THE COUNT: Have your pride. I'm talking about biting a perfectly delicious monster!
DRACULA: That's revolting.
THE COUNT: Says you.
DRACULA: I'm a vampire.
THE COUNT: So am I!
(A beat.)
DRACULA: Well...
THE COUNT: Five. Five times have I been more insulted than this in my life.
DRACULA: You've been this insulted five other times?
THE COUNT: Yes. My brother the Duke was VERY insulting.
DRACULA: Just go bite someone--a person--and then tell everyone about it and you'll be fine.
THE COUNT: You'll tell Nosferatu if I do that?
DRACULA: Yes.
THE COUNT: Because I could bite Bert.
DRACULA: Is he a muppet?
THE COUNT: He's a person muppet.
DRACULA: Is his skin made out of felt?
THE COUNT: Fine! A person! I'll bite a person.
DRACULA: Probably for the best.
(A beat.)
THE COUNT: Should I stop eating garlic as well?
End of Play
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