I’m calling to tell you
That your husband
Is not coming home
He’s all right
Well…
He’ll be all right
He’s just not coming home
I know this must be
Upsetting to hear
I can understand that
But it could have been worse
You know, we our eye
On your son
And...after some consideration--
We decided
That a kicking, screaming
Ten-year-old
Wasn’t anything
We wanted to deal with
At this current juncture
Where we live…
It’s very quiet
People there
Our colleagues
They like quiet
They don’t like a lot of noise
Your husband
Made a lot of noise
At first
But then he saw
That this could have gone
In so many worse directions
And that was enough
To get him to be quiet
That and a little elbow grease
He’s going to be very happy
Where we’re putting him
Not as happy as he was
With you and your children
Obviously
But he’ll be kept healthy
And safe
And I assume he’ll have
A long life
Provided the normal things
Don’t take him down
Surprise heart attack
Stroke
Natural disaster
If he tries to come back to you
We’ll have to shoot him, of course
But I don’t think
He’d try anything that stupid
He seems like a very
Reasonable man
Now, just so you know,
We never used to make
These kinds of phone calls
Normally
We would just take people
And they disappeared
And that was that
People cried
They searched
They never found anything
And they went on
With their lives
But nowadays
We like to be
A little more
Courteous
No need to have you
Up every night
For the next year
Wondering if he’s coming back
He’s not
He’s not coming back
People disappear
And if you take any solace
In knowing
That he’s not dead
Then there’s your solace
He’s not dead
Unfortunately we can’t
Go into our reasons
For why we take
Who we take
When we take them
Other than to say
We don’t like to take
Anybody too noisy
As I’ve said
Some people take children
And put up with the noise
That’s true
But that’s not us
We believe it’s important
To evolve
To become...more civil
As time goes on
We hope you appreciate it
Just remember
We didn’t have
To make
This call
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