Two Priests

      (The OLD PRIEST and the YOUNG PRIEST are standing outside the room.)

OP:  I think you're doing really well in there.

YP:  Yeah, I don't know.

OP:  No, trust me, you are--I mean, this is a lot.

YP:  It is a lot.

OP:  I mean, I've seen some possessions before, but man--

YP:  Do they always say things about your mother?

OP:  Oh yeah, that's classic.

YP:  Wow.

OP:  Lots of nasty stuff about your mother. You ever have a wife?

YP:  No. I'm a priest.

OP:  Right, but have you always been a priest?

YP:  Uh--

OP:  Because this other guy--he wasn't always a priest--and he had a wife. And she died. And the trauma of that made him become a priest, so obviously, he's very, uh, sensitive to that, and, uh, he gets in the room, and the demon is like 'Your wife is cuddling with Frank Sinatra in Hell!'

YP:  Cuddling with Frank Sinatra?

OP:  Right? Doesn't seem that bad. I would cuddle with Frank Sinatra.

YP:  Did that upset the--

OP:  The young priest?  Oh yeah. He was furious. Flung himself right out a window.

     (A beat.)

YP:  He was furious so he...threw himself out a window?

OP:  Right out a window.

YP:  That seems like an interesting response to...being mad.

OP:  The Devil works in mysterious ways.

YP:  Like the Lord.

OP:  Kind of like the Lord, but the Lord doesn't gossip about anybody's dead wife.

YP:  I--

OP:  Oh, the demon also said--'Your wife never used a coupon in her life.'

YP:  Why would--

OP:  I guess that was a big point of contention between her and her husband.

YP:  Well, I was never married, but--

OP:  That settles it then. You should go in.

YP:  Uhhhh I don't know. You're the experienced one here.

OP:  Right, but this is such a great educational opportunity for you.

YP:  I think I'd rather just--shadow you?  From, you know, out here?

OP:  You can't shadow me from out here.

YP:  I can listen at the door.

OP:  I think you really need to be in the room.

YP:  With you?

OP:  Not necessarily with me. In fact, I could always stand out here and walk you through it with my voice.

YP:  But you won't be able to see anything.

OP:  You could describe to me what you're seeing. Like, you'd say--'I'm seeing the little girl's head spinning all the way around.' And I'll say--'Wow, that's bad. You're in big trouble now. I would throw myself out the window if I were you.'

YP:  I don't really want to go back in the room.

OP:  Somebody has to go back in the room. We've got a job to do.

YP:  All we're doing is reading the Bible. Anybody can read the Bible. It's on Audible. Can't we just get the demon an Audible subscription?

OP:  We have to keep it at bay with our crucifixes.

YP:  There are crucifixes all over the room! She keeps turning them upside down and arranging them so that they spell out the words 'Suck It, Priests.'

OP:  I really think you're getting through to her though.

YP:  See, I think you're getting through to her.

OP:  She's closer to your age.

YP:  Well, yeah, she's...seven.

OP:  Right. You speak her language. I'm old. I'm an old man.

YP:  You're not that much older than me.

OP:  No, I just look good for my age, but trust me, I am very old.

YP:  You know, that's true. You're old and I have my whole life ahead of me.

OP:  I mean, I'm not that old.

YP:  I have so much to live for.

OP:  Not really. You're a priest. You're a priest that specializes in exorcisms. Hanging out in rooms with demons is pretty much going to be it.

YP:  I might be considering a career change.

OP:  You don't want to be a priest?

YP:  No, I want to be a priest. Just maybe not an exorcist priest.

OP:  But--

YP:  What about a baptism priest? Can I be one of those? I love baptizing. Love the water. Love the dunking. Love it all.

OP:  We can talk more about this after you're done expelling the demon from that poor girl.

YP:  We have been in there for days.

OP:  That's how long it takes sometimes.

YP:  I don't know how much more I have left in me.

OP:  I'm sure you'll be fine. I'm just going to go grab something to eat.

YP:  You can't leave me in there by myself.

OP:  Look, I did most of the groundwork for you. You just need to take her home.

YP:  She grew a horned tail a few minutes ago!

OP:  That's always what happens right before the demon leaves. You've only got an hour or four left, trust me.

YP:  Father, I cannot go back in there.

OP:  You have to.

YP:  I think you have to.

OP:  You're wrong.

YP:  How do I know you're not wrong?

OP:  Because I'm the Old Priest. You're the Young Priest. I know more than you.

YP:  Exactly. That's why you have to go back in there.

     (A beat.)

OP:  You know, it would be hubris to suggest that I know everything there is to know about exorcism.

YP:  Can't we get someone else to do this?

OP:  She's already thrown seven priests out of windows.

YP:  Seven?

OP:  Her parents keep replacing the glass in the windows, and she keeps throwing priests through them. Seems pointless to me, but I guess if your heating bill is high, you don't want open windows in your--

YP:  I'm going to go.

OP:  We can't abandon this young woman in her hour of need!  We have a duty. We made a promise. To bring faith even to the darkest of places.

YP:  What if she throws up on us again?

OP:  Then we can go. I'm down to my last robe.

YP:  Fine. I'll give it another try.

OP:  I believe in you.

YP:  You're coming with me.

OP:  Damn.

YP:  We're in this together, Father.

OP:  All right. But if she starts talking about Frank Sinatra--don't listen.

     End of Play