Better Than Broadway

Characters

Linda

Bill

Frank

Mike

Kelly

(A restaurant.)

Bill:  I have to tell you two, that show was just incredible.

Linda:  Wasn’t it?  It was just wonderful.  You all played such good parts.

Frank:  I don’t know how you remembered all those lines.

Kelly:  Uncle Frank, you say that every time you see me in a show.

Frank:  And it’s true every time.  I don’t know how you do it.

Linda:  You’re just up there talking like it’s nothing.

Bill:  Saying things.

Linda:  Like it’s no big deal.

Frank:  I don’t know how you do it.

Linda:  Not a clue.

Mike:  Well listen, as great as it that we’re both making our Broadway debuts, it’s even better that we get to do it with each other.  Right, babe?

Kelly:  Aw Mike, you’re going to make me cry.

Mike:  I don’t care if the show closes tomorrow.  At least I can say me and my wife got to do our first big New York show together.

Linda:  Isn’t that so sweet?  Bill, did you hear that?

Bill:  I heard it.  Is anybody getting the scallops?  I want to know how they’re cooked.

Frank:  You could ask the waitress.

Bill:  I’d rather let somebody else order them and find out that way.

Linda:  I couldn’t get over that part in the show where the elevator—

Kelly:  Mom, let’s not spend all night talking about the show, okay?  We just performed it eight times this week.

Mike:  And we barely get to see you and Mr. Johansen and Uncle Frank.

Frank:  I think they sat me under the vent.

Kelly:  Yeah, let’s talk about you guys.

Bill:  How do you think they cook their fish here?

Frank:  It’s like cold air blowing right on my head.

Mike:  What’s been going on back home in Rhode Island?

Linda:  Well, funnily enough, Kelly’s sister Jennifer has been doing some theater of her own.

Kelly:  Really?  Jen’s doing theater now?

Linda:  Yup.  She was inspired by her little sister, and she’s in this play at Cumberland High School called Harvey.

Mike:  Oh, I was in Harvey once.  It’s a very funny show.

Kelly:  It’s a classic.

Bill:  It was stupendous.

Frank:  We loved it.

Linda:  Your sister was so good.

Kelly:  That’s wonderful.  I’m so happy to hear she’s doing that.

Linda:  We went out with her after the show, and some people from the audience were there and they were just gushing.

Frank:  It was like being out with a celebrity.

Mike:  That’s great.

Linda:  The show was so good.

Frank:  Very good.

Bill:  Better than Broadway.

                (A beat.)

Kelly:  Well, Dad, I don’t think you mean it was better than…Broadway.

Bill:  Maybe not better, but it was just as good.

Mike:  Uhhhhh, are you sure about that?

Frank:  It was very entertaining.

Kelly:  I’m sure it was, but, I mean, you just saw a Broadway show, so—

Mike:  I mean, I know you all haven’t seen a lot of stuff on Broadway, but even this one show compared to what you—

Linda:  I don’t know.  I think it’s all wonderful.  As long as it’s got a good message, I like it.

Kelly:  You can like it, Mom, but to say that it’s as good as what you just saw us do—

Linda:  There’s no need to get competitive.

Kelly:  I’m not—

Linda:  She’s always so competitive with her sister.

Kelly:  Jen is a physical therapist.  I’m an actress on Broadway.  If life was a theater competition, I would be the winner.  Hands down.

Bill:  Why are you getting so upset?

Mike:  I think what Kelly is trying to say is that—

Kelly:  I think I said what I was trying to say, Mike.

Mike:  Don’t snap at me.

Kelly:  This is just ridiculous.

Frank:  Both shows were very good.

Kelly:  No, they weren’t.

Frank:  What?

Kelly:  Both shows were not very good.  I mean, maybe Harvey was good for, like, Cumberland High School, and our show was good for Broadway, but that is not the same amount of good.  There are levels of good.  You can’t just throw the word ‘good’ on both of them and call it a day.  Do you not know how scaling works?

Bill:  I got on the scale at my doctor’s office last week.  Guess how much weight I lost after my gallbladder operation?

Frank:  Are we going to order soon?  I wanted to stop at the store in Times Square that only sells thin mints.

Linda:  Kelly, I don’t know why you’re so upset.  We liked both things.  Yours and Jennifer’s.

Kelly:  Mother, I can’t believe—

Mike:  Kelly, I’m not trying to interrupt you.

Kelly:  But you are.

Mike:  Because I think that maybe if we explain to your family why our show is different from what they saw at the uh, uh—

Bill:  Cumberland High School Cafetorium.

Mike:  --Right.  Then maybe they’d see that they’re really, very different.

Linda:  So you’re going to give us some behind-the-scenes gossip?

Mike:  Well, not gossip, but—

Linda:  Did anybody die when something fell on their head?

Bill:  Are you all in the union?  Do you get your bathroom breaks?

Frank:  Have you met Bernadette Peters and is she nice?

Mike:  No, I meant, like—Okay, so we are in a union and we do get paid.  I’m assuming Jennifer didn’t get paid for Harvey.

Linda:  No, but they all got these adorable t-shirts with the show’s name on them.

Bill:  Do you all get t-shirts?

Kelly:  No, we don’t get—

Mike:  We do not.

Bill, Linda, Frank:  Oh.

Mike:  But we perform for hundreds and hundreds of people eight times a week.

Bill:  Were there hundreds of people there tonight?

Mike:  There were, yes.

Bill:  Didn’t look like that many.

Mike:  Well, our show has had some trouble at the box office, but—

Frank:  Most of the balcony was empty.

Mike:  The reviews weren’t that great, so—

Linda:  The Cumberland Times gave Harvey a great review.

Kelly:  The Cumberland Times is a free newspaper you pick up at the 7-11!

Bill:  Jennifer made the front page.

Linda:  Harvey sold out every show.  The cafetorium was packed.

Kelly:  How many performances did they do?

Linda:  Three.  Jennifer said she was exhausted.

Kelly:  We did three shows this weekend.

Linda:  You weren’t really onstage that much, Kelly.

Frank:  Do you think we could get them to shut the air off?

Bill:  Jennifer barely ever left the stage.

Mike:  I guess we’ll just have to agree that—

Frank:  --That you all knew your lines.

Linda:  You did.

Bill:  Very proud of you, kids.

Kelly:  Really, Daddy?

Bill:  You bet.  You’re my little star.  And Mike, you were like a movie star up there.  I was telling everybody—That’s my daughter and my son-in-law.

Linda:  He couldn’t stop bragging.

Frank:  He was stopping people in the lobby.

Bill:  I thought I was gonna bust.

                (A beat.)

Kelly:  Daddy, thank you.  That’s very sweet.

Mike:  We really appreciate it, Mr. Johansen.

Bill:  You’re my pride and joy.  The both of you.

Linda:  Mine too.  We’re just so happy for you.

Mike/Kelly:  Thank you./We love you.

                (A beat.)

Bill:  And Jennifer.

Kelly:  Oh god.

Bill:  Absolutely.

Mike:  I—

Frank:  She’s got real talent.

Mike:  But we—

Kelly:  Let it go, Mike.

Linda:  Now, what are we going to eat?

Kelly:  I’m not hungry.

Bill:  Well, I guess when you’re not onstage that much, it’s hard to work up an appetite.

                The End.