Mondays

Characters

Morgan

Richard

Amy

Joe

Jennifer

(A restaurant.)

Morgan:  Jen, you were so good in the show.

Amy:  You were amazing.

Jennifer:  Thank you so much for coming.  I know it’s tough when it’s Thanksgiving weekend and you’re trying to spend time with your family.

                (A beat.  They ALL laugh.)

Joe:  That was great.

Richard:  I don’t even know if I have a family anymore.

                (More laughter.)

Jennifer:  By the way, I got dinner tonight.

                (Protests from the group.)

No, no, no.  It’s fine.  I’m already in the red from all the Black Friday shopping I did this morning, I might as well.

Amy:  Didn’t you say you were having some trouble with your bills though?

Jennifer:  I mean, yeah, but when you owe as much as I do, it’s not like you can afford to worry about money.

Morgan:  Hey, by the way, I just want to say this, and get it out of the way—Can we not talk about politics tonight?

Amy:  I totally agree.

Morgan:  I just want one night away from all the negativity, you know?

Jennifer:  What would we talk about anyway?  I mean, we’re all on the same page, right?

Joe:  Yeah.  The four of us are liberals, and Richard’s a Nazi.

Richard:  Okay, in my defense, I thought that Facebook page was an Indiana Jones appreciation group.

Morgan:  Seriously though, no mention of He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named, okay?

Amy:  Totally.

Jennifer:  Yes.

Joe:  No problem.

Richard:  I could go my whole life without talking about him.

Jennifer:  Yeah, especially after what he just did with Monday’s.

                (A beat.)

Amy:  What happened with Monday’s?

Jennifer:  Oh sorry!  I forgot about that.  It was, like, breaking news right before I got here.

Richard:  Oh.  I haven’t looked at my phone.

Joe:  Me either.

Morgan:  That’s because we’re enjoying each other’s company.  Not focusing on whatever awful thing POTUS just did, right?

All:  Right.

                (A beat.)

Joe:  So…

Morgan:  Okay, but since we’re all going to fixate on it now—Jen, what happened with Monday’s?

Jennifer:  They’re part of the weekend now.

Morgan/Amy/Richard/Joe:  Huh?/What?/What do you mean?/Really?

Jennifer:  Yeah, apparently, he realized his poll numbers were super low, so he was like, What do I do?  And he thought by giving everybody three-day weekends from now on, we’d all just, like, be so happy that we’d overlook all the other horrible stuff he’s done.

All, but Jennifer:  Ohhhh…

Morgan:  Well, obviously, that’s not going to work.

Amy:  No.

Jennifer:  Oh my god, can you imagine?

Richard:  It’s kind of sick that he would pull something like that.  I mean, that’s a total abuse of power.  You can’t just give us another day off every week.

Morgan:  What an idiot.

Joe:  Uh…so…that goes for schools and stuff too, right?

Jennifer:  Yeah, I mean, he basically made every Monday, like, a non-business day, so—

Joe:  And I’m a teacher, so…

Amy:  Joe, you’re not happy about this, are you?

Joe:  No—Nooooo.  Not happy.  Not at all.  I am mortified by this.  This is…mortifying.

Morgan:  Then why are you smiling?

Joe:  I’m not.  (He is.)  I am not smiling.

Richard:  You guys, wait a second, that Nude Yoga Cooking Class I wanted to go to is on Monday afternoons!

Amy:  Why is it on Monday afternoons?

Richard:  Because only people without jobs have time to go to something like that.  But now I can go!

Morgan:  Richard!

Richard:  (Taking out his phone.)  I’d better enroll now before the class fills up.

Morgan:  Richard, you’re missing the point.  You can’t take Monday’s off.

Richard:  Uh, it sounds like I kind of have to, Morgan.  The President said so.

Morgan:  He’s trying to manipulate you—us—all of us.

Richard:  Okay, well, I still hate him, but I’m not going to turn down a day off where I can improve my flexibility and learn how to make risotto.  That would just be stupid.

Amy:  Richard, by taking that day off, you’re condoning what he’s doing.

Richard:  No, I’m not.

Morgan, Amy, and Jennifer:  Yes, you are!

Jennifer:  You too, Joe.

Joe:  What am I supposed to do if there’s no school?  Show up and watch videos of the Civil War by myself?

Richard:  Why can’t we treat this like Columbus Day?  We all hate it and think it’s wrong, but as long as it’s still a holiday, we might as well eat brunch and day-drink.

Jennifer:  But I mean, where does it end?  What if he keeps giving us days off every time his approval ratings drop?

Amy:  Oh my god, what if we end up with a three-day work week?

Jennifer:  Exactly!

Amy:  That would be amazing.

Morgan and Jennifer:  Amy!

Amy:  Okay, to be fair, you two like your jobs.  The three of us hate our jobs.  You don’t know what this means for us.  I might be able to cut my anti-anxiety medication in half if this keeps up.

Morgan:  Enjoy it all you want, but as soon as someone else gets elected or that possessed Teddy Ruxpin doll gets impeached, the Monday’s are gone.

Joe:  Unless we protect him.

Morgan and Jennifer:  What?

Joe:  Listen, I made tentative plans in my head for the next two years worth of Monday’s, and you snowflakes are not going to screw that up for me.

Morgan/Jennifer:  Joe!/Joseph!

Richard:  And if I sign up for the cooking class, that means a deposit for the first six weeks that I will not get back if POTUS gets impeached or I end up getting bored like I did with that Weaving and Windsurfing seminar.

Amy:  And my manager isn’t even there on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so that means I’d only have to deal with him two days a week from now on, and that means I can finish my writing on those days when she isn’t there not to mention all the extra writing I can do on Mondays although I probably won’t because I feel like I’ll want to make Monday a self-care day, so then I guess not much is changing other than that now I’m getting a self-care day, but that means I’ll be in way better shape when I get my writing done on the other days and if you two love me you will NOT MESS THIS UP FOR ME BY VOTING FOR SOME TREE-HUGGING LOSER WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND HOW BADLY THE STORY OF ALLISON NEEDS TO BE TOLD!

                (A beat.)

Joe:  Who’s Allison?

Amy:  The character in my YA novel.

Jennifer:  You all sound like lunatics, and I hope you know that.  Morgan and I are the only sane people left in this—

Morgan:  Uh, Jen, you know what?  Let’s not go throwing around words like ‘sane’ and ‘lunatics.’  It’s very judgmental, and also, very disrespectful to those dealing with real mental health—

Jennifer:  Oh no, they got you too.

Morgan:  It’s just that—Okay, so you know how I’m always saving I would love to throw Bloodrun parties at my house, because we all watch it, but I can’t, because I always have to be up so early on Monday’s?

Jennifer:  Yeah.

Morgan:  Well, if I don’t have to get up and go to work—

All, but Morgan and Jennifer:  Bloodrun parties!

Jennifer:  You’re unbelievable.

Amy:  Jennifer, don’t you want all of us to hang out more?  We barely see each other.

Morgan:  And Bloodrun parties would be a great excuse for all of us to hang out.

Richard:  And Monday brunch.

Joe:  And Tuesday brunch if the Democrats don’t screw it up for us by sabotaging the Commander-in-Chief.

Morgan:  Think about all of us hanging out every week at my house—or, you know, Amy’s house, because why should I have to host every week.  That doesn’t seem fair.

Amy:  Oh, totally.  I’ll definitely host at least once or twice every few years.  I would love to.

Jennifer:  I can’t believe all of you have been—Wait a second, my phone is buzzing.  I’m getting another alert.

Amy:  Is everything okay?

Richard:  He didn’t take back the Monday’s, did he?  Because I literally just signed up for a Monday afternoon Cheese and Chalk Making Workshop.

Jennifer:  No, uh, I guess he’s decided to wipe out credit card debt.

Morgan:  What?

Richard:  Like all credit card debt?

Jennifer:  Yeah.  I guess, uh…all of it.

Joe:  Wow.

                (A beat.)

Jennifer:  You know, I really think we need to give him more of a chance.

Morgan/Amy/Richard/Joe:  I agree./You’re right./Yup./Exactly.

                End of Play