Middle Ground

    (MATT, CONNIE, DAVE, and BRIDGET are having brunch.)

MATT:  But you can’t get anywhere near Spain this time of year.

CONNIE:  It’s a nightmare.

BRIDGET:  We thought about Italy--

MATT/CONNIE:  Oh god no./Do. Not. Do. It.

DAVE:  Everywhere’s crowded now.

BRIDGET:  No matter where you go.

CONNIE:  Matt, should we tell them?

MATT:  (Teasing.)  Well…

BRIDGET:  You two have a secret spot, don’t you?

DAVE:  We knew it.  We knew you had a little hideaway.

BRIDGET:  Come on, spill.

MATT:  Okay, okay.

CONNIE:  But don’t go posting about it online, all right?

MATT:  Mum’s the word.

DAVE:  We promise.

BRIDGET:  We’re dying to go somewhere nice.

    (MATT and CONNIE look at each other, then--)

MATT:  Middle Earth.

BRIDGET:  Middle...Earth?

CONNIE:  Middle Earth.

DAVE:  Really?

MATT:  Dave, it is--stunning.

CONNIE:  You will be changed forever.

MATT:  Forever.

BRIDGET:  But what about the, uh--

CONNIE:  The orcs?

DAVE:  I’m sure it’s not as bad as--

MATT:  No, it’s pretty bad.

DAVE:  Oh.

CONNIE: They'll just eat you alive. No question.

MATT: No question.

CONNIE: I asked one for directions to a coffee shop and the next thing I know, I'm missing a leg.

MATT: We got it put back on.

CONNIE: Nicest hospital you've ever seen.

MATT: But it was pretty bad.

CONNIE: I try not to think about it.

MATT:  But as long as you stay on the resort, you’ll be fine.

DAVE:  And if you join a group of travelers looking to topple an evil sorcerer, you get points off on your next trip.

CONNIE:  And the elves are so nice.

MATT:  Just the nicest people.

CONNIE:  Well, elves, they’re not people.

MATT:  They know what I meant, Connie.

CONNIE:  It’s just that you keep calling them people--

MATT:  I think you’ve had enough wine for the day.

CONNIE:  I think you can take my wine and--you know what?  We’ve been talking about booking another trip ourselves.

DAVE:  To Middle Earth?

MATT:  Yeah, we really, really, really, really, really need a vacation.

CONNIE:  We really do.

MATT:  (Over-lapping on ‘really.’)  We really, really, really do.

BRIDGET:  I don’t know.  It just seems a little rugged for us.

CONNIE:  You know, we thought the same thing, but as long as you don’t get mixed up in the war against Sauron, you’re fine.

MATT:  We saw--what?  Eighteen people murdered?  Twenty?

CONNIE:  Less than twenty.

MATT:  It was less than twenty.

DAVE:  See, we thought maybe Bermuda--

CONNIE:  Are you nuts?

MATT:  Are you insane?

CONNIE:  Bermuda?

MATT:  You’re nuts.

CONNIE:  You’re insane.

MATT:  My cousin got his wallet stolen in Bermuda.

CONNIE:  My sister lost a diamond earring in a pool there--never found it.

BRIDGET:  I told you, Dave.

DAVE:  You told--they want us to spend a week in Middle Earth.

MATT:  Oh, you don’t want to stay for a whole week.

CONNIE:  You stay longer than two days, they murder you.

MATT:  They are not fond of people overstaying their welcome, we can tell you that much.

CONNIE:  Don’t even get us started on the hobbits.

MATT:  Oh my god.  Remember the one who stabbed me with that little wooden sword?

CONNIE:  That was hysterical.

DAVE:  It stabbed you?

CONNIE:  Matt looked at him the wrong way and Bam--right in the chest.

BRIDGET:  That sounds awful.

MATT:  Nah, we got a good story out of it.

CONNIE:  Imagine if a hobbit murdered Matt.

    (She laughs.)

MATT:  She’s been laughing about it a lot.

CONNIE:  I don’t know why I find it so funny.  Him being murdered. Just cracks me up.

MATT:  Then there was the chasm she fell into--

CONNIE:  Could we not talk about that right now?

MATT:  I didn’t--

CONNIE:  We’re trying to have a nice evening, Matt.  Jesus.

MATT: I wasn't--

CONNIE: I almost fall to my death in one chasm and you can't stop talking about it.

MATT: All right, just drop it, okay?

DAVE:  It all just sounds very dangerous.

CONNIE:  Dave, it could not be safer.

MATT:  As long as the dragon is sleeping, you’re fine.

DAVE:  What if it wakes up?

CONNIE:  Oh, it’ll kill you.

MATT:  Absolutely.

CONNIE:  No question about it.

MATT:  But what a place.

CONNIE:  So pretty.

MATT:  The landscapes are--

BRIDGET:  I think we should book it, honey.

DAVE:  I don’t know, Bridget.  Money’s been sort of--

BRIDGET:  Could you not embarrass me in front of our friends?

DAVE:  I--

BRIDGET:  Could you just not do that?

DAVE:  Okay!

   (A beat.)

CONNIE:  You know...

MATT:  You two sound like you could use a vacation.

CONNIE:  You sound like you really need one.

MATT:  You sound like you really, really need one.

    End of Play