The Focus Group

                (A conference room.  MARCY, TIM, JULIE, and FRED are seated around the table.)

FRED:  So you’ve done a focus group before, right?

MARCY/TIM/JULIE:  Uh huh./Yup./Yes.

FRED:  Great, that makes my job soooo much easier.

TIM:  I did a taste once for Lays.  I told them I didn’t like Jalapeno potato chips, but they went ahead and made them anyway.  I still got paid though.

FRED:  That’s great, Tim.  Mainly I want to talk about redemption.

MARCY:  Oh, is this like a secret religious cult thing?

FRED:  No.

MARCY:  Good, because I cannot join another cult.  My boyfriend will kill me.

FRED:  No, my firm was hired by a celebrity who’s, uh, been on the out’s a bit lately and wants to make a return to public life, but isn’t sure the best way to do that.  So we’re going to talk about ways you all think somebody, this person, my client, could, you know, redeem themselves.

JULIE:  That sounds interesting.

TIM:  Who’s your client?

FRED:  Michael Myers.

                (A beat.)

JULIE:  From Austin Powers?

FRED:  No, uh, the—other one.

MARCY:  The one who killed all the babysitters?

FRED:  Two.  There were only two.  Then a few more.  Or a lot more.  It depends what narrative you’re following.

JULIE:  You work for Michael Myers?

FRED:  I work for the agency representing him.

MARCY:  He has an agent?

FRED:  He’s very visible right now, and whenever the industry seems that kind of potential—

JULIE:  He murdered people.

FRED:  Okay, so that’s a great insight into what you know about him—

JULIE:  He’s a murderer.

FRED:  Right, so we’ve covered that.  What else do you know about him?

MARCY:  Do we need to know anything else?

TIM:  I know he doesn’t talk much.

FRED:  Reserved.  Strong, silent type.  Do we like that?

JULIE:  He murdered people.

FRED:  Julie, we really want to give everybody a turn here, okay?

MARCY:  So you’re trying to redeem him?

FRED:  We want to just—polish up his image a little bit.

JULIE:  That’s disgusting.

FRED:  Julie, let’s try to use positive language, okay?

TIM:  I think a lot of what people say about him is suspect.

FRED:  Interesting.  Do you want to elaborate on that, Tim?

MARCY:  Yeah, Tim, why don’t you elaborate on that?

TIM:  I mean—I know what the media says about him, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being quiet.

JULIE:  Again—multiple murderer.

TIM:  Yeah, but how long are we going to make him pay for that?

JULIE:  Hopefully forever.

FRED:  Would you all be interested to know that Michael is actually a skilled woodworker?

TIM:  See, I did not know that.

JULIE: (To MARCY.)  Do you believe this?

MARCY:  No!  I’m a woodworker too!

JULIE:  What does that have to do with—

MARCY:  What kind of wood does he use?

FRED:  Great question, Marcy.

JULIE:  No, it’s not!  Nobody cares what kind of wood he uses.  All I care about is him being in jail or dead.

FRED:  Well I think we can all agree that he’s never really going to be dead.

TIM:  Exactly.  He’s going to be around forever, so maybe we have to find a way to live with him.

FRED:  And in what way could we live with him?

MARCY:  Does he cook?  I could see him doing a cooking show.

JULIE:  No, he doesn’t cook!

FRED:  Julie’s right, he doesn’t cook, but he does enjoy gardening.  He’s very fond of hedges.

JULIE:  This is ridiculous.  We’re talking about giving the spotlight to a psychopath.

FRED:  Not until after he’s paid his debt to society.  Whatever we think that is.

JULIE:  We know what that is.  That is jail time.

FRED:  Welllllllll—

MARCY:  I don’t think you get to decide that, Julie.

JULIE:  No, I don’t.  The courts do.

TIM:  If you trust the justice system.  Spoiler alert—I don’t.

JULIE:  So you’re all saying set him free and give him a show on HGTV?

FRED:  We were thinking NBC, but do you want to elaborate Julie?

JULIE:  No, I want to stop my head from exploding.  This is insane.

FRED:  Positive language.

JULIE:  No!  No, positive language.  You’re trying to rehabilitate the image of a mask-wearing, knife-wielding, maniac.

FRED:   So you wouldn’t be interested in seeing him host Family Feud?

JULIE:  NO!

MARCY:  Julie, we can’t just keep him in jail forever.

JULIE:  Why not?

MARCY:  Well, he keeps escaping…

TIM:  That’s what I mean.  Let’s work with him.

MARCY:  Find stuff for him to do.

TIM:  It’s not like he’s going to keep killing people now that we know he kills people.

JULIE:  You mean after he not only escapes punishment for his actions but actually benefits from them?

                (A beat.)

TIM/MARCY:  Exactly./Bingo.

FRED:  We think there’s a way to turn this whole situation into one big positive.

JULIE:  Except for the girls he killed and their families?

FRED:  They’re sort of a…separate situation.  But we’ll certainly keep them—

JULIE:  So help me god, if you say thoughts and—

FRED:  --In our thoughts and prayers.

JULIE:  I could scream.

FRED:  Well, I wrote down ‘When someone nearly screams, it’s time to take a break,’ so why don’t we do that, and when we come back, I’ll tell you about another one of my clients.

JULIE:  I’m not sure I want to hear about any more of your—

FRED:  One question for all of you—when you hear somebody referred to as a ‘dictator’ does that make you more or less attracted to them?

                End of Play