Who is David Copperfield?

(A dinner table.  BARBARA, JOHN, BEAU, and JONAH are all seated around the table.)

BARBARA:  Now remember what we talked about--

JOHN:  No politics.

BEAU/JONAH:  No politics./We didn’t really talk about it, but okay.

BARBARA:  So, what have you boys been up to lately?

BEAU:  Well, I just received my first promotion at work.

BARBARA:  Lovely.

JONAH:  And I’ve been fighting Voldemort.

JOHN:  Here we go.

JONAH:  I’m very proud of my work.

BEAU:  I’m sure you are.

JONAH:  What’s that supposed to mean?

BEAU:  It means what it means.

JONAH:  And what does THAT mean?

BARBARA:  Does anyone want ham?

BEAU:  Dad, Jonah’s aiming his wand at me under the table.

JONAH:  No, I’m not.

BEAU:  You put a spell on it so I wouldn’t see, but--

JOHN:  Jonah, you better not be aiming your wand.

JONAH:  I have to keep my wand on him in case he tries to summon evil against me.

BARBARA:  You’re both so dramatic.

BEAU:  Could you please not throw around labels like ‘evil.’

JONAH:  You’re working for the Dark Lord.

BEAU:  Do I criticize you for your beliefs?

JONAH:  I believe in morality and scruples.  You worship the embodiment of malignancy.

BARBARA:  But the important thing is that we all believe in something.

BEAU:  Man, Jonah, you just gobble up everything Harry tells you.

JONAH:  Oh, and you don’t do the same thing with--

JOHN:  You know what magician I used to love?  David Copperfield. Do kids still like him?

JONAN and BEAU:  No.

JOHN:  One time he swallowed a jarful of pennies.  No idea how he did it.

BEAU:  Hey Jonah, can Harry Potter swallow a jarful of pennies?

JONAH:  He doesn’t need to.

BEAU:  That’s because he can’t do it.

JONAH:  You couldn’t do it either!

BEAU:  Voldemort could.

BARBARA:  You know, I saw that Voldemort on television the other day.  He was making a lot of sense.

JONAH:  What do you mean he was making sense?

BARBARA:  Some of the stuff he was saying.  About the Muggles. I really related to it.

JONAH:  You’re kidding.

BEAU:  Let Mom feel how she wants to feel.

JOHN:  Your mother believes whatever she hears on television.

BARBARA:  Just because you can’t win a game of Jeopardy--

JOHN:  I’ve been watching for twenty-eight years and they still haven’t done a category about David Copperfield.  What did he ever do to them?

BEAU:  Voldemort was the Final Jeopardy answer last week.

JONAH:  Yeah, and the week before that it was Henry Kissinger.

BEAU:  What do you have against Henry Kissinger?

BARBARA:  Your grandmother met Henry Kissinger once.  She said he was a very nice man.

JONAH:  He’s a war criminal!

BARBARA:  Well, I don’t know about that.

JOHN:  David Copperfield once shaved his head on live television, put on a baseball cap, took it off, and BOOM!--Head full of hair.  Now why don’t they talk about THAT on Jeopardy?

BEAU:  Real magic doesn’t get any respect from the mainstream.

JONAH:  Is that why you’re working for that fringe publication?

BEAU:  VoldemortIsMyMasterAndSupremeRuler.com is a fair and unbiased news outlet.

BARBARA:  No politics!

BEAU:  Jonah, when the Dark Lord ascends to his rightful place in the hierarchy, I’m going to tell him what a jerkface you are.

JONAH:  Tell him now!  I don’t care.

BARBARA:  Does the Dark Lord know how much they’re charging for cantaloupe these days?  It’s criminal.

BEAU:  Why would he care about that?

BARBARA:  I thought maybe the Muggles had something to do with it.

BEAU:  They might, I don’t--

JONAH:  Muggles have nothing to do with cantaloupes.

BEAU:  You think no Muggle has ever touched a cantaloupe?

JOHN:  I haven’t had a good cantaloupe in fifteen years.

JONAH:  Because of the Muggles?

JOHN:  No, your mother just doesn’t know how to buy fruit.

BARBARA:  I know how to buy fruit.

JOHN:  You never check for dents.

BARBARA:  It’s a cantaloupe not a Pontiac Sedan.

BEAU:  The Muggles are ruining everything.  Fruit, napkins, straws, sporks, pet food, music, home restoration--

JONAH:  Are you talking about Muggles or millenials?

JOHN:  I haven’t seen a good napkin in fifteen years.

BEAU:  That’s because the Muggles don’t want us using napkins.  Slobs.

JONAH:  Are you calling me a slob?

BEAU:  Are you a Muggle?

BARBARA:  He could be.

BEAU:  What?

BARBARA:  You could be too.

JOHN:  My father used to say he was part Muggle.

JONAH:  You never told us that.

JOHN:  It didn’t seem important.

BEAU:  Dad, I’m working for the Dark Lord.  I can’t be part Muggle!

BARBARA:  Muggles have beautiful teeth.  I’ve never seen a Muggle with bad teeth.

JONAH:  I can’t wait to tell everybody my brother is a Muggle.

BEAU:  You shut your mouth, Jonah.

BARBARA:  Beau, there’s nothing wrong with being a Muggle.

BEAU:  I AM NOT A MUGGLE!

JOHN:  You know who was a Muggle?

BEAU:  I swear to God, Dad, if you say David Copperfield--

JOHN:  The man made the Statue of Liberty disappear!

BEAU:  HE USED MIRRORS!

BARBARA:  Can’t we have a nice dinner without any yelling?

JOHN:  Why didn’t you put cantaloupe in the fruit salad this year?

BARBARA:  BECAUSE WE’RE NOT MILLIONAIRES, THAT’S WHY!

JONAH:  You know, if you had asked me if I was going to enjoy today--

BEAU:  My brand is ruined.

JONAH:  I would love to tell you I’m not going to tweet about this, but--

BEAU:  My life is ruined.

BARBARA:  Okay, no more getting each other worked up.

JOHN:  I agree with your mother.

JONAH:  Fine, I’ll stop.

BARBARA:  Let’s all try to get along.

BEAU:  All right.

BARBARA:  Now, after dinner, does anybody want to watch Jeopardy?

The End