The Gender Reveal

    (A party.  MIKE and SARAH, and their mothers, MICHELLE and GRACE.)

SARAH:  Sooooo are you ready to find out the gender of the baby?

GRACE:  I wanted to be surprised.

SARAH:  Mom, so help me god--

GRACE:  In my day, we were surprised.

MICHELLE:  I was surprised to find out I was pregnant, never mind the gender.

MIKE:  Mom, remember when we went over the talking points for this party?

MICHELLE:  Well, you told me to say nice things about artichoke dip, but it’s dry.

SARAH:  It is not!

GRACE:  It’s a little dry.

MIKE:  Moving on to the big reveal!

SARAH:  We thought we would do something a little--original.

MICHELLE:  What does that mean?

SARAH:  Well, we’ve created a map for you to follow.

MIKE:  Like a scavenger hunt.

GRACE:  What am I a pirate?

MICHELLE:  Did you bury the gender somewhere?

GRACE:  What’s going on?

SARAH:  No, it’s--

MIKE:  It’s just a fun way of finding out.

GRACE/MICHELLE:  I’m confused./I don’t know.

SARAH:  You just follow the map and it’ll take you to a hot air balloon.

MIKE:  From there, you’ll ride in the balloon to a remote cabin in the mountains.

SARAH:  Once inside the cabin, the door will lock behind you and you’ll have to follow a set of clues to get out.

MICHELLE:  Are we still in the balloon at that point?

MIKE:  No, you’re in the cabin.

GRACE:  The cabin fits in the balloon?

SARAH:  Forget about the balloon.

MICHELLE:  You brought up the balloon.  I didn’t say anything about the balloon.

GRACE:  Your father was allergic to helium.

SARAH:  Dad’s been dead for seven years.

GRACE:  It’s a good thing too, because he’d never get in that balloon.

MIKE:  Once you’re out of the cabin, you’ll make your way down to the mountain, using the map as a guide--

MICHELLE:  Can’t I just use my phone?

MIKE/SARAH:  No.

MICHELLE:  I finally figure out how to use the damn thing, and now they’re telling me I have to follow a map.

SARAH:  The map is going to take you to a river where you’ll hop on a boat--

GRACE:  What kind of boat?

MIKE:  Just your average--

GRACE:  I get seasick.  Sarah, did you get my tablets?

SARAH:  They’ll be in the boat, Mom.

GRACE:  They make me sleepy, but I need them.  I don’t know what to tell you.

SARAH:  They’ll be in the boat.

MICHELLE:  Do I have to row the boat?

MIKE:  No, Mom.

MICHELLE:  Because you don’t want to see me row a boat.  I went on a gondola once? Total nightmare.

MIKE:  They made you row the gondola?

MICHELLE:  Who said that?

SARAH:  Okay, so--

MICHELLE:  I never said that.

SARAH:  So the boat will take you downriver to a circus.

GRACE:  They don’t have elephants at the circus anymore.

MICHELLE:  Isn’t that a sin?

GRACE:  God forbid we have elephants.

MICHELLE:  They said the elephants were sad.

GRACE:  I’m sad.  I still have to go to work.

MICHELLE:  That’s what I said.

GRACE:  Right?

MICHELLE:  That’s just what I said.

MIKE:  AT THE CIRCUS--there’s going to be a trapeze artist hanging from the tightrope.

SARAH:  In her hand will be an envelope.

MIKE:  In the envelope will be the gender of the baby.

SARAH:  And that’s how you’ll find out.

    (A beat.)

GRACE:  Can’t you just tell us?

SARAH:  Mom--

MICHELLE:  I’m not feeling great about this map.

MIKE:  It’s fun.  Everybody’s doing these big reveals.

GRACE:  Why? It’s going to be one  thing or the other. We’re not trying to find out the code to a safe.

SARAH:  But we’re going to film the whole thing and put it online.

MICHELLE:  You’re going to film me rowing a boat?

MIKE:  NOBODY’S ASKING YOU TO ROW A BOAT, MOM.

MICHELLE:  So we’re just going to sit there on the river going nowhere?

SARAH:  Can you just please--

GRACE:  Sarah, honey, do you two already know what the gender is?

SARAH:  Yes, the doctor told us, and then we told the hot air balloonist, and he told the trapeze artist.

GRACE:  And are you excited to be having a girl?

MIKE:  We’re not having a girl.

GRACE:  Bingo. Let’s go home.

SARAH:  Mike!

MIKE:  She tricked me!

MICHELLE:  And thank god, I have things to do.

GRACE:  Sarah, Mike, you’re going to be great parents, but you’re lousy event planners.

SARAH:  We didn’t even get to tell them about the clown car.

MIKE:  Probably for the best.

    End of Play