Why Sam Didn't Get in the Show

I didn't get in the show
Because I couldn't do a Scottish accent

Have you ever tried to do a Scottish accent before?

It's not even a real accent
It's not
It's not even real

I think that entire country is making up their accent

It's basically a British accent
And an Irish brogue
Except on top of all that
You have to sound like you're choking on a pretzel

Ugh, I hate it

I'm trying to do this stupid monologue
Which isn't even all that funny anyway
And on top of not forgetting the stupid words
In the stupid monologue
That some stupid guy wrote
I have to do a stupid Scottish accent

And I couldn't do it
So I didn't get in the show

Which is totally fine
Because I'd rather do cooler stuff anyway

Like my school just got this club
For people who want to pretend their vampires

We're called the VamDamns
And we're, like, the coolest people in school

Except yesterday someone accused me of smelling like garlic
And I was all--I can't help it if they serve garlic bread on Fridays in the cafeteria
And Mizarella, the Queen of the VanDamns
Was all--Well, I can't go near you, you'll burn me

And I was all--Mizarella, I mean, MINDY, vampires don't get burned by garlic bread, they get burned by holy water, you're the worst Vampire Queen ever, and YOU smell like the puddle on the floor of my Dad's pickup truck, and I don't want to be in your stupid coven anyway. I only joined it because I can't do a stupid Scottish accent and maybe I should just move somewhere where they don't have accents--LIKE FLORIDA!

That didn't go over very well

But I got to keep my vampire cape, which is--sort of incredibly embarrassing because now everybody calls me Cape Boy.

The moral here--If you have to do a Scottish accent for a monologue
Watch Braveheart a ton of times first
And then you'll at least be able to fake it

Thank you