Jesse and the Straight Guy

Jesse loves the straight guy
Which isn't healthy
And he knows
He knows it isn't healthy

He eats, sleeps, and breathes 'it isn't healthy'
It's become his mantra

The reminder that somehow
He let the one thing that can't happen happen
Has become what he tells himself
As if it will somehow make it go away

'It isn't healthy'

And yet it is solid
It is so solid
That the weight of it
Has turned into a couch in his living room

He can sit on it
And resent it
At the same time

His fantasies are progressed beyond sexual
And that's how he knows he's in trouble

When you are fantasizing about a straight guy
Going food shopping with you
You know you're in trouble

He finds himself snapping at girls
Any girl, no girl in particular
Because they can have the straight guy
And many of them don't have the straight guy
And he snaps at them despite the fact
That almost all of them don't even know the straight guy

'Paper or plastic?'
'You have no idea how amazing he is!'

It would sort of be like that
If people said 'Paper or plastic' anymore?

He dreads the idea of the straight guy marrying
The way some may dread the thought of death
Or having to process tax returns from two different states
Without any help from an accountant

He feels the love starting to slip away
And then the straight guy mentions going camping together
And he loves camping, and the straight guy loves camping
And what is 'gay' and 'straight' anyway
But labels that shouldn't be adhered to
And why can't he just--

Oh right, because if he were to talk the straight guy into a relationship
But one that did not include sex
They would pretty much have exactly what they have now
Which is, clearly, unsatisfactory

Still, he thinks about it

And he thinks about resting his head against the straight guy's shoulder
At some independent movie house
Where they would spend a Sunday afternoon

He thinks about the straight guy making him coffee in the morning
And the two of them reading the newspaper together
Trading sections and summarizing articles for each other

He thinks about the straight guy while he's alone in bed
Because somewhere the straight guy is alone is bed
And somehow it all just seems so...unnecessary

What in my brain, he thinks
What in my brain makes this happen?

What part of my brain is determined
To make me miserable?

What part of me pushes away reasonable happiness
In favor of elusive happiness?

Why am I doing this to myself?

Jesse and the straight guy go camping
And the straight guy teaches Jesse fishing methods
And fire-making methods
And bird calling methods
And Jesse is thrilled and morbidly depressed
The entire time

And then the straight guy takes him down to the lake
Where they watch a sun close its eyes
For the night

Jesse puts his hand down
And the straight guy puts his hand down
On Jesse's hand

And maybe it's intentional
And maybe it's not
And no, it doesn't mean that
But it does mean that the straight guy is aware
That in that moment
Jesse needs a hand on top of his

And they sit, the two of them
Watching the night arrive
With the understanding
That it will not stay for long