Testicles

Mr--

Egan--

Is that pronounced like 'again' or 'eee-gen' or 'eee-gain?'

What is it?

Does it matter?

It doesn't, I wouldn't imagine

I wouldn't imagine

That it does

Mr. Egan

I am getting a loan for a house today

And I did not bring a husband or a boyfriend or a brother or a next door neighbor

I make a good living

I make a better living than my ex-husband, all my ex-boyfriends, both my brothers, and my next door neighbor who, by the way, makes cabbage at least eight times a day, which is why I want a loan to buy a house

Now, you telling me that I'm 'risky' when I know for a fact that you approved my co-worker's loan last month--

My single MALE co-worker's loan--

I mean, Mr. Egan, have things gotten that bad in the banking industry over the past month?

Or should I have just come in here with testicles?

Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry

Does the word 'testicles' make you cringe?

It's an anatomic word

It's a correct word

It's the appropriate word for this situation, Mr. Egan

Testicles

I'm not saying 'balls'

I'm not saying 'berries'

I'm not saying 'man cubes'

There should be nothing wrong with a young woman saying the word 'testicles' to a man

I suppose if I were examining you then it would be all right, or do you only go to male doctors, Mr. Egan?

TESTICLES

It's what's separating me from getting that loan, isn't it?

My lack of testicles?

The lack of testicles in my life?

The lack of desire I have to incorporate testicles into my life?

Mr. Egan, I would like to throw you off a small building

A lovely little building

In the middle of a pool

With sharks swimming around it

That is what I would like to do

Now, if you wanted to deny me a loan because of my age, then that's fine, because I will get older, even though I am making more money than both my parents combined because, shocker, a tanning salon in Cranston does remarkably well--much better than you'd even expect, Mr. Egan

If you wanted to deny me that loan because I seem stupid, that's fine, because I can read more books.  I can go back to school.  With the money I'm making, I could open my own school and print out my own degree.

If you wanted to deny me because you're just in an awful mood, then I could live with that, Mr. Egan.  I would hate it, but I could live with it.

But the fact that you're denying me because I don't have TESTICLES is a problem I simply can't overlook.  I simply can't, Mr. Egan.  I simply can't.

I will not stand to have some misogynist tell me what I can and can't have.  Oh, I know your type, Mr. Egan.  Going home to your little trophy wife.  Groping your poor secretary every chance you get.  Whistling at girls on the corner like some cartoon wolf wearing a trench coat for no reason!

So you're going to approve that loan, or I'm going to go find a pair of TESTICLES and I'm going to bring them to your desk, Mr. Egan.

And I can't promise that they'll be attached to anything when they're dropped right next to that photo of...of...

Is that your brother you're...hugging?

Uh huh...

Okay, so maybe I was little off there about the trophy wife...

Have I mentioned I went on a date with a lovely man last night?

He's very attractive--OH!  And he has a brother...hehe...

You know what?  I'll just come back with him

Have a great day