The Royal Family

The thing about it is

Everybody in my family acts

Everybody

You know that play The Royal Family?

We’re like that

If you don’t know that play, read it

It’s a great play

They did it at the Orpheus Theater in 1978

Right around the time

I auditioned

To be in the acting company

My mother and father were bought in it at the time

And when I turned twenty-two

And finished college

They decided the time had come

To bring me before Beau, the Great Artistic Director

All throughout college I’d done shows

Even though, to be honest

It really wasn’t my thing

It wasn’t that I wasn’t any good

I mean, I’m not saying I was great

But I wasn’t awful

I just…didn’t care for it very much

But I wanted to make my parents happy

And all my theater friends kept telling me—

‘You’re so lucky to have parents who WANT you to do this!  Our parents want us to become doctors or lawyers.’

I wanted to be a veterinarian

But I didn’t tell them that

Or my parents

I went to audition for the company

On a Tuesday morning

On the set of The Royal Family

Because apparently Beau always liked having people audition

Right up on the stage

To see how they looked up there

I was already a nervous wreck

And to make matters worse

He let my parents sit in the back row and watch the whole thing

I think it was his way of letting them know

That this was a done deal

As long as I could speak

I was getting in

So I did my classical monologue

It went really well

And then I started my contemporary piece

When he yelled—Stop!

I was terrified

He walked right through up the audience

Up onstage

And with his back to my parents

Whispered to me—

‘You’re incredible’

And a little part of me died

I didn’t want to do this

And then he said—

‘You don’t want to do this, do you?’

It was a good thing my parents couldn’t see me

Because I was…

I felt so bad, you know?

It was their dream

This, for me

But…

Beau put his hands on my shoulders

Closed his eyes

And said—

‘I can feel your energy.  I can feel that this would kill your soul.’

He had a sort of patchouli Woodstock thing going on

But I ended up marrying a biker named Razor

So what do I know?

He gave me a little wink

Then he turned around

And said to my parents—

‘She’s terrible.  Send her to med school.’

They were, you know, upset

But, believe it or not

They took Beau’s word for it

They had a lot of respect for him

And after that, so did I

Maybe it was just easier for him to see how unhappy I was

Up there on that stage

Than it was for my parents

Who never wanted to be anywhere else

Anyway I went back to school

Became a vet

Met my biker, married him

And lived happily ever after

Nowhere near a theater

But my daughter did come home the other day

To inform me that she would be playing the lead role

Of Thumbelina

In her school play

I guess it skips a generation