You Can't Take It With You

So the Orpheus is celebrating
It’s big ten year anniversary
And they’re opening their season
With You Can’t Take It With You

So I’m all excited
Because I’ve never acted there
Just did community stuff
But I know that show
And it’s all about this loud crazy family
With a mother who butts into everybody’s business

So I’m thinking—this is my moment

I go
I audition
They say thank you
I get sent home

And they never called me
Or cast me

Può asini pisciare sulla loro tomba.

May donkeys piss on their graves.

Grave or graves?
Did I say that right?

Eh, who the hell cares?

A month later I go to see the show
And they got all these professional actors in it
Talking all quiet
I felt like I was watching a Charlie Chapstick movie

You could tell not a single actor on that stage
Was Italian

I’m going—Why did they waste their money
Trying to get quiet people to be loud
When they could have just hired loud people
In the first place

You get what I’m saying?

That’s theater for you

Putting a monkey up onstage
And telling him to act like a cow
Instead of just getting a friggin’ cow

Me, I ended up doing voice-overs
For nature documentaries

…Hahaha yeah right

With this voice?

Nah, I played Fran Drescher’s mother
In a tv movie

Did better than any of those quiet people
I’ll tell you that much

Theater
Good theater
Is for loud people

You gotta be LOUD!

There, take that advice with you

That’s worth the price of the ticket
Right there