I Keep Telling Him to Read

I keep telling him to read, Mrs. Matthews
All the time I'm telling him
Junior, you gotta read
You can't just be watching the tv all day
But he does what he wants
Doesn't listen to his mother
And now we're sitting here, see?

But, you know, he's twelve
You can yell at him until you're blue in the face
He's still going to do what he wants

Once they're twelve
You may as well rent them an apartment in the city
And say 'To hell with it'

Oh sure, we read all the time
When he was little

His father would read the newspaper at the breakfast table
And you can't even see my coffee table
I have so many People magazines on it
So I don't know how two bookworms like us
Produced a kid like--

Well, I'm sure we read to him all the time
It's just that the years go by so fast

I mean, I'm sure we didn't do it when he was a baby
What would be the point, right?

Then he wouldn't remember anything
And we'd just have to read the book to him again
When he got older

And why would you read anything twice?
That'd be like climbing Mt. Everest twice
I'm sure it's hard enough the first time, right?

So, you know, we'd read him stories
Before bed
But you know
That kinda thing makes you sleepy
And so a lot of the time
I'd pass out still holding the Us magazine
Forgetting to tell the poor kid
Which starlet was fooling around with her co-star
Everyday before filming

Look, you don't have to get all upset
Not everybody's a reader

It's not like every successful person on the planet
's read Gone with the Wind

Some people just don't like reading
Junior's one of those people

So why don't we talk about something else?

His other homework's never done either?

God, I gotta tell you
That kid has a million excuses
For everything