Our Friggin' Christmas Photo

Another year
Another friggin' family Christmas photo

Bennyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Get your finger out of your nose

We're sending this to all the relatives
Who have more money than we do

You want them to think you're stupid
Like your Uncle Stu
Who dressed up like Santa
Then went down the wrong chimney

The Tanenberg's daughter
Is still in therapy because of that

Put on the santa hat I bought you

And the elf ears
And the little pointy shoes
And get that sign around your neck that says--

'I Have the Best Mother in the World'

You know how many rhinestones it took
To make that sign?

Excuse me, Mr. Photographer
But could you use one of those mild-angle lens?
I've been doing a lot of stress-eating this month
And I don't want it to show

I put in the family newsletter
That I'm back to my goal weight
Of 103
But that was after the flu
And before Benny's big role
In his school play--

'Frosty Goes to Washington'

He played a wheat lobbyist
And we had to do a lot of character work
Involving bagels

Bennyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Stop picking your teeth
With your elf ear!
That's not what it's for!

I have toothpicks in my purse
Next to the taser
Under the copy of Us Weekly
Use those

You know what, Mr. Photographer?

I don't even know why I bother
Getting this picture done every year
It just makes me want to slap everybody
And then go eat a plate of cream cheese

Sure, sure, I'll look at the one you just took
But I know my eyes were closed in that one and I...

...Ohhh look how nice everybody looks

And Benny, he's getting so big

He must have grown a whole foot since last year's photo

You know, I get all friggin' crazy
Every year
Dressing everybody up
And snapping pictures
And making sure the house is clean
So that when my mother-in-law shows up
She doesn't ask me if I want to be submitted to that show 'Hoarders'

And I forget that it's not about how things look
It's about how everybody feels

Making sure everybody's happy and safe and comfortable
And loved, you know?

Aw, geez
Now I'm all teared up
Look what you did

Tell you what
Give me the Gold package
I want as many photos of this as possible

You can't put a price on family
They're precious and--

Bennyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy stop poking your sister with your elf shoe!

God, who knows how many more years
I'm going to get to say that?