For My Mom

If you're lucky
You get a mom
Who forces you to hug her
Even when you don't like hugging very much

If you're lucky
Your mom doesn't care
Whether or not you feel like giving her a hug
And she just hugs you anyway
Because you actually do need a hug
And you just didn't realize it
Until she gave you one

She's your mom
She knows these things

If you're lucky
You get a mom
Who teaches you about hard work
By being the hardest worker
You'll ever meet in your life

If you're lucky
She teaches you that everyone
Deserves your respect
Until they don't

She teaches you
That the only difference between you
And someone less fortunate than you
Is luck
And you're lucky
And you should be grateful you're lucky
And grateful you have a mom
To teach you
About how lucky you are

And if you're lucky
You get a mom
Who drives you to school every morning
So you don't have to get up extra early
To catch the bus
Even thought she just worked all night
And probably just wants to go home and sleep

And if you're really lucky
She doesn't murder you
When she comes home
And finds out you slept through your alarm
And now you're going to be late

And if you're really really lucky
She doesn't kick you out of the house
When you do that two or three times
In the same week

If you're lucky
She doesn't disown you
After your third car accident
Or your fifth failed math test
Or after one of the thousand times
You're a brat with a big mouth
Or a satanic teenager
Or a surly twenty-something

If you're lucky
She loves you anyway
And you never have to ask for her forgiveness
Because she forgave you for all the bad stuff you did
Before you even realized how bad it was
Because she's your mom
And she loves you no matter how awful you are

If you're lucky
She makes sure your clothes are washed and ironed
And your dinners are always warm
And you go to school
And you wake up each day
Feeling safe and supported

And your holidays are happy
And your birthdays are joyous
And you feel
So lucky

If you're lucky she teaches you
To avoid a fight
But to fight hard when you do fight
And not let anybody treat you like a doormat

She teaches you to watch what you say
And you listen and you try
(You try)
And you hope one day you can carry yourself
The way your mom does
With dignity and class and strength

You hope you can figure out
All the things she's figured out
And show love and compassion
To the people you care about
While still showing up to work every day
And doing what you have to do
To give those people
The best life you can

You hope that people you meet
Will talk about you
The way they talk about her
Because so many people
Admire and respect her

And you know that she probably doesn't realize
How much of an impact she's had on you
Or that you feel overwhelmed
Thinking about how you would even begin to thank her
For all the times she's bailed you out
Or come to your rescue
Or watched you succeed at things
You never could have succeeded at
Without someone like her
Pushing you to be the person
She knows you can be

But if you're lucky
Maybe you give it a shot
And maybe you do a halfway decent job
And maybe she was right when she said
That you should become a writer

The truth is--

You'd be lucky
To get a mom
Half as great as her
Or maybe less

But to get a mom
As great as she is
You really gotta wonder

How lucky can you get?

Strong

Someone asked me what I did today

I said I went to work

Got coffee with a friend

And cleaned my house

They called me strong

I guess I could have stayed in bed all day

And called in sick

Turned off my phone

Let dirt pile up forever

And then I’d be what?

I guess...not strong?

There were things I didn’t know

I had the option not to do

And there were things I had to do

No matter what

Bad luck doesn’t pick a time to strike

It doesn’t happen when we like

And if it does

And we go on

Then what?

I guess we’re strong

My friend had just turned thirty

When he got back on drugs again

I found out from a friend

That he passed on

He suffered and he struggled

And he made one last mistake

And now he’s gone

And was he strong?

What’s bigger in a person’s mind

The things you overcome

Or the one dumb thing that takes you down

Forever

Are you strong until the day you die

Or is it now and then

I just think about my friend

And was he strong?

I can’t cry but I would like to

And when I can

Who should I cry to

And does crying or not crying

Make me strong

Does grief count if you don’t show it

Am I really being stoic

Am I cold or just in shock

Or am I strong?

Years ago you suffered some great loss

And made the bed

And brushed and flossed

You cooked your meals

You cleaned your house

You did it all

And did it all along

And even though you did all that

Nobody thought to tip a hat

And nobody would ever

Call you strong

Grief was just a luxury

That those who found themselves in need

Could only seem to manage

With a bit of endless poetry

Or a song

So you made your lunch

And dug your grave

You held the door

And said your prayers

And someone someday might just

Call you strong

Someone gets the help they need

And someone suffers silently

And some would say

That both of them

Are strong

The sky falls down

The oceans rise

You still wake up
And read your mail

The worse things get

The smallest task

Seems strong

And all the while

You smile at strangers

Bail on friends

Take out the trash

Don’t do the dishes

Fold the clothes

Check in on family

Skip a party

Eat too much

Or starve yourself

Do any of these things

Make you feel less

Strong?

Someone asked me what I did today

I said ‘Not much’

And walked away

And couldn’t help but think--

I don’t sound

Strong

I stared at a wall

For hours on end

Watched a film

Watched it again

And couldn’t tell
If I felt right or wrong

I don’t have words

For how I am

Except to say

‘Fine’ or ‘Okay’

All the rest

Sounds like too much

And not enough
I guess I'd say
That I'm getting along

But I'm alive
So yeah
It's fine
Just call me strong

And who has time

For all that stuff

I guess I do

But you--

I guess to hear it

You’d have to be

Strong

And why should you

Be strong for me

You might have

Your own tragedy

And how much strength

Can we carry along

It’s heavy when you need it light

It takes you right

Out of the fight

You think of real strength

You think--

I don’t belong

The truth is

You don’t know

How to be

Strong

No--

The truth is

You might not

Want to be

Strong

I've known some strong people
That's for sure
The sad thing is
I used to know more...

. . . . .

They asked me how I was today

I said ‘I’m going to be okay’
Because I got past yesterday

But now I'm thinking maybe I was wrong

They said I’m tough

I thought, Enough

But I said ‘Thanks’
And other stuff

I said too much

And went on far too long

I should have said

I’m glad

That someone

Thinks

I’m strong

But today I made my bed
I made some calls
I made some food
I didn't fight my appetite

I've been better
I've been great
I've been lost
I've lost weight

I made it past today
And lately
Days are long

And if I got this far
Who knows
I might be

Strong

Blorta's Thanksgiving

Characters

Bogg

Meep

Blorta

                (The cave.)

Bogg:  Blorta, I am pleased to see you were not eaten by Five Heads on the way here.

Blorta:  I was nearly eaten by Five Heads, but he fell into the Ice Pit near Big Tree.  I expect him to wake up a few hundred years from now, and perhaps then he’ll be dealt with by someone more powerful than us.

Meep:  Or he’ll eat them.  It’s not our concern.  How’s the new husband?

Blorta:  He sends his regards.  He would have come to visit as well, but somebody has to make sure the forest-wolves don’t take over our cave.

Bogg:  It’s true.  Once they arrive, there’s no getting rid of them.  We adopted several before they all got eaten by that green thing that lives down by the lake.

Meep:  Blorta, you’re too skinny.  Have some horn meat?

Blorta:  You found meat in a horn, Mother?

Meep:  I lit the horn on fire, it turned into glop, I put it in a bowl, and now I’m calling it meat.  That’s called creativity, Blorta.

Bogg:  Never let it be said that your mother is not creative.  The other day she treated a rash on my leg with spider venom.

Blorta:  Did it work?

Bogg:  Well, as you can see, I have no more rash.

Blorta:  But you don’t have a leg either.

Meep:  But he doesn’t have a rash, and that’s the important thing.

Bogg:  Your mother made me this nifty cane.  I hit people with it all the time.  It’s a lot of fun.

Meep:  He’s already given three people concussions.  At this rate, we’ll never be invited to Fire Night.

Blorta:  Is there a reason you wanted me to come home today?

Meep:  I was preparing dinner.

Blorta:  You do that every day.

Bogg:  I wanted to show you my cane.

Blorta:  Is that all?

Bogg and Meep:  Wellllllll…

Blorta:  Is something wrong?

Bogg:  Not exactly.

Meep:  We’re flinging ourselves into the Ice Pit.

Blorta:  What?!?!

Bogg:  Jumping.  We’re jumping into the Ice Pit.

Blorta:  That’s still bad.

Bogg:  I thought maybe you objected to the word ‘flinging.’  It is such an odd word.

Blorta:  Why would you do such a thing?

Meep:  Blorta, you are very lucky.  All your life, you’ve watched the people of our tribe be eaten by Little Hands-Big Teeth and Wings-with-Teeth and Teeth-with-Horns.  You’ve never had to see people grow old, because everyone you know was brutally murdered by reptiles.

Bogg:  Lucky, lucky girl.

Meep:  So we never had to tell you about the custom as it relates to those over a certain age.

Blorta:  What age?

Bogg:  Our age.

Meep:  We’re actually a few years past the traditional Age of Expulsion.

Bogg:  We were hoping nobody would notice, because I’m still so youthful and your mother has a very impressive chest that’s remained noticeably perky over the years, but alas, the tribal leaders came yesterday to inform us of our fate.

Blorta:  And now you have to throw—

Meep:  Fling.

Bogg:  Jump.

Blorta:  Into the Ice Pit?

Meep:  That’s how the tribe handles those who have outgrown their usefulness.

Blorta:  But you haven’t outgrown your usefulness!  You made meat out of a horn.  It tastes terrible, but I suppose that counts for something.

Meep:  Bogg!  You said it was delicious.

Bogg:  I didn’t want you to take away my cane.

Blorta:  Yes!  And the cane!  You made Father a cane.  And you cured his rash.  And I’m assuming you were the one to cut off his leg.

Bogg:  She did.

Meep:  He cried so loudly.  I was embarrassed for him.

Blorta:  My meaning is that you should not be cast off just because you are of a certain age.

Meep:  But that is how things are, Blorta.  Would you have us stick around until we are—what?  Sixty?  Or longer?  By then, your father will be nothing but a head.

Bogg:  And a cane.

Blorta:  So I am to say good-bye to both of you?

Bogg:  That is why we called you home.

Blorta:  I think my heart shall break.

Meep:  It is not a piece of sadness we give you, my beautiful Blorta.  We have had such a wonderful life.  True, it has been born out of hardship, and yes, there has been much suffering and disease—

Bogg:  --And dismemberment.

Meep:  And most of our friends and family were eaten right in front of our eyes, but how lucky of us to have seen so many days and nights.

Bogg:  And how lucky to have had you.  And to live long enough to raise you.  And watch you fall in love!—And get married to a man that most would say is almost suitable—and has most of his teeth.

Meep:  A girl who can walk home alone past a five-headed monster and not be afraid.  I am filled with pride for you, my Blorta.  You are made of fire.

Blorta:  But I got my fire from you.  What shall I do once that fire has been extinguished?

Meep:  You will keep it with you.  A fire does not die out so long as you feed it.

Bogg:  Though you should never try to eat it.  That’s how I lost part of my mouth arm.

Blorta:  They call it a tongue now, Father.

Bogg:  Geez, I remember when we used to say ‘mouth arm.’

Meep:  One day you will have your own child, and you will give them your fire.  Then it will be their job to keep it burning.

Bogg:  And not eat it.

Meep:  That is life, Blorta.  That is how we survive.  None of us are here forever even if we don’t jump into the Ice Pit.  In all my years, I’ve learned two things—Marry a man wild animals don’t like the smell of—

Bogg:  True.

Meep:  --And forget that you are promised only what you have lived so far, and nothing after it.

Blorta:  I am sad that Flerg will not get to say his farewells to you.

Bogg:  That is fine.  We do not like Flerg very much.

Blorta:  You don’t?

Bogg:  We like that you like him, but he is from another tribe, and he pronounces his ‘R’s in a way that is displeasing to the ear.

Blorta:  And will you not be sad to never see my children?

Meep:  Truthfully, Blorta, though we would surely love them if we saw them, we are not great admirers of children.

Bogg:  We enjoyed you most of the time, but only when you weren’t crying or speaking.

Meep:  You were a wonderful sleeper.

Bogg:  Oh yes.  I could watch you sleep all night.

Blorta:  May I accompany you to the Ice Pit?

Meep:  Why do you think we asked you here?

Bogg:  You’re the one who has to push us.

Blorta:  I couldn’t do such a thing!

Meep:  If you don’t, then Krorg will, and his hands are very greasy.

Bogg:  Please, Blorta, I do not want my last thought to be ‘Why didn’t Krorg wipe his hands before he pushed me to my death.’

Blorta:  Fine.  But I do it with great hesitation.

Meep:  That’s my girl.  Let us eat one last horrible meal together before we hike to the Pit.

Bogg:  I shall miss the taste of terrible food.

Meep:  All food is terrible.

Bogg:  Blorta, maybe when you are older, food will taste good.

Blorta:  Father, you are a dreamer.  You always have been.  Food that tastes good.  Medicine that makes people feel better.  A box where you can watch people act out stories whenever you wish.

Bogg:  But only if they act out all the stories at once, not one story a week.  That would be very pointless.

Blorta:  I shall miss your dreams.

Bogg:  My greatest dream pales in comparison to you, my Blorta.  Even I couldn’t dream something so wonderful.  And here you are.  And for that, I am grateful.

Meep:  I am as well.

Blorta:  And I am grateful for both of you.  Isn’t it funny I’ve gone my whole life and never said that?  I wish we had a day where all we did was say things like that to each other.

Meep:  I hope we never have a day like that.

Blorta:  Why not, Mother?

Meep:  Because, dear Blorta, every day should be that day.

                (End of Play.)

Aaron and Katie Talk About Chipotle

Characters

Aaron

Katie

                (A forest.)

Aaron:  You know who I used to like?  Paul?  The guy who dated Wonder Woman?

Katie:  Paul didn’t date Wonder Woman.

Aaron:  Well, she looked like Wonder Woman.

Katie:  Who was the guy who looked like Chris Evans?

Aaron:  I don’t know.  We just called him Chris Evans.

Katie:  Right.

                (A beat.)

Aaron:  Nothing to be done.

Katie:  What?

Aaron:  I said the new Star Wars looks really fun.

Katie:  It does.  It does look fun.

Aaron:  It doesn’t look that fun.

Katie:  I wish you were wearing a hat.

Aaron:  I wish I was too.

                (A beat.)

Katie:  Remember Toni?

Aaron:  The guy with the handlebar mustache who kept buying us pizza?

Katie:  No, you’re thinking of Uncle Tony.

Aaron:  I don’t have an uncle named Tony.

Katie:  No, the pizza restaurant—Uncle Tony’s.

Aaron:  What about it?

Katie:  That’s what you’re thinking of.

Aaron:  And what are you thinking of?

Katie:  Well, now I’m thinking about pizza.

Aaron:  Me too.

Katie:  Oh well.

Aaron:  Nothing to be done.

Katie:  Infinity Wars could be fun, yes.  I agree.

                (A beat.)

Aaron:  Did you mean Toni with an ‘i?’

Katie:  Yes.

Aaron:  She hated when people asked for extra guac.

Katie:  She’d get so mad.

Aaron:  One time she stuck her finger in the guac and just left it there.

Katie:  Did they fire her?

Aaron:  They didn’t fire her, but I never saw her again.

Katie:  That’s probably because they fired her.

Aaron:  Maybe.

                (A beat.)

Katie:  I liked Kelly.  She was a fun manager.

Aaron:  She was.  She was fun.

Katie:  Like Star Wars.

Aaron:  Star Wars won’t be fun.

Katie:  Right.

Aaron:  Kelly was fun.

Katie:  She’s on Broadway now.

Aaron:  Really?

Katie:  Yup.

Aaron:  Wow.

Katie:  Yeah.

Aaron:  I feel like I’m going to die before I accomplish anything significant.

Katie:  Are you sure you aren’t already dead?

Aaron:  Would you be talking to me if I was dead?

Katie:  I’d love to talk to a ghost.

Aaron:  If I was a ghost, I’d have much better things to do than talk to you.

Katie:  Like what?

Aaron:  Like find out what happened to Toni with an ‘i.’

Katie:  If you find her, don’t ask her for extra guac.

Aaron:  I wouldn’t.

Katie:  Don’t.

Aaron:  I can’t.

Katie:  All right.

                (A beat.)

Aaron:  Misty was a good manager.

Katie:  She gave me a ride home.

Aaron:  She gave me a kidney.

Katie:  Only once.

Aaron:  Well the most you can do it is twice.

Katie:  She gave me a ride home three times.

Aaron:  Well then I guess she liked you more than me.

Katie:  I always suspected she did.

Aaron:  Well now the mystery is solved.

Katie:  Did she tell you why she can never go to New Jersey?

Aaron:  No.

Katie:  Oh.

                (A beat.)

Aaron:  Was it because of—

Katie:  No.

Aaron:  Oh.

Katie:  I’ll never tell you.

Aaron:  Fine.

Katie:  She liked me more.

Aaron:  I guess she did.

                (A beat.)

Katie:  Sometimes I would stare into the shredded chicken and just think about things.

Aaron:  Things like what?

Katie:  How you meet thousands of people you’ll never think about and each one of them has a life you’ll never be a part of and then maybe one day you’ll meet one of them again and you’ll introduce yourself, but you’ve already met, and so they’re strange and not strange, and you’re a stranger and not a stranger, and an introduction is actually a reunion.

Aaron:  I used to eat the chips and salsa and come up with knock knock jokes.

Katie:  Tell me one.

Aaron:  Knock knock.

Katie:  Who’s there?

Aaron:  Misty.

Katie:  Misty who?

Aaron:  Oh wait, is this New Jersey?  I’m not allowed to be here, but I can’t say why.

                (A beat.)

Katie:  Nothing to be done.

Aaron:  Yes, my joke was fun.  I’m glad you’re admitting it.

Katie:  I remember Owen who never took off his sunglasses.

Aaron:  I remember Nadia the girl who replaced all the lettuce with Romanian cabbage.

Katie:  I remember Greta the actress who claimed she was just working there as research.

Aaron:  I remember Phil the guy who let the pigeon in.

Katie:  I remember the pigeon.

Aaron:  I don’t remember his name.

Katie:  I don’t either.

Aaron:  Oh well.

Katie:  Oh well.

Aaron:  What can you do?

Katie:  Nothing.

Aaron:  Right.

Katie:  Nothing to be done.

                (End of Play.)

Edie's Brand

Characters

Viv

Liv

Edie

                (A boardroom.)

Viv:  We’re so glad you could come in.

Liv:  We think you made a great decision.

Viv:  Fantastic decision.

Liv:  Bryson Branding is one of the top five brand consultant companies in the market today.

Viv:  We had to move a lot of very important people around just to get you this appointment.

Liv:  Not that we weren’t glad to do it.

Viv:  Oh no, we were thrilled.  We were thrilled to do it.

Liv:  Overjoyed to do it.

Viv:  So happy you’re here.

Edie:  It’s very fine to be here.

Viv:  So, should we call you Edie or Little Edie, or—

Edie:  Edie is fine.  There is no more Big Edie, after all.

Liv:  I do love that moniker though.  Little Edie.

Viv:  Very unique.  Very sort of vintage, you know?

Liv:  But current.

Viv:  We could work that into your brand.

Edie:  Well, I was the younger Edie, you see, and my mother was the older.  It had nothing to do with weight.  I always had a very slim figure.  Very trim and attractive.  Drove the men just wild.

Liv:  Now, is talking like a gangster’s aunt part of your brand?

Edie:  I would say so.  It’s very my style, you see.  Very Edie.

Viv:  Very Edie.  I like that.

Liv:  We can work with that.

Viv:  And Little Edie too.  That could be a subset of your brand.

Liv:  A tributary brand.

Viv:  An offshoot.

Liv:  I’m so excited about this.

Viv:  We’re so excited about you, Edie.

Liv:  We couldn’t be more excited.

Edie:  Now what about my designs?

Viv:  Well, fashion is a big part of branding.

Edie:  I’m thinking flags.

Liv:  So you’re very patriotic?

Edie:  Oh yes, very patriotic.  Very national.  Very Americana.  Fourth of July and all that.

Viv:  Patriotism is a little tricky at the moment, but if anybody can bring it back, it’s you, Edie.

Liv:  We just had a meeting with Wonder Woman about the very same thing.

Viv:  Nationalism for the Individual.  We’re getting her a blog.

Liv:  We’re getting her five blogs.

Viv:  We could get you ten.

Edie:  I’d love a blog dedicated to my painting.  I’m a very terrific painter, you see.  Very modern.  Very sharp.  I like edges.

Liv:  Edges are very much your brand.  I can see that.  I can see that very clearly.

Viv:  You’re really just a series of points thrown together to create one big needle.

Edie:  Sounds divine.

Liv:  What else besides fashion and painting interest you?

Viv:  What else makes up a Little Edie?

Liv:  Or just an Edie?

Edie:  Well, I am a great singer.  Lovely singer.  Men used to come from far and wide to hear me sing.  Or maybe that was my mother.  She was a great lover of corn, you know.

Viv:  Do you like corn?

Edie:  Not so much.

Liv:  No corn then.  Corn’s not really in these days anyway.  Cauliflower is very big right now.

Edie:  Well, I’m mad about cauliflower.  Just wild about it.

Viv:  How many Instagram accounts do you have?

Edie:  Is that like a record player, because if so, I have seventeen.  Eighteen if you count the one I made out of tuna cans.

Liv:  So you’re crafty?

Edie:  Not really.  I only sneak out of the house on Thursdays to visit the seals and cry by the ocean.

Viv:  No, we mean, you enjoy making things.

Edie:  Oh yes, very much so.  I make dresses, and hats, and blankets, and toasters, and blankets into dresses, and toasters into hats, and one time, I made a raccoon into a friend.  His name was Robert.  He was divine.

Liv:  My brain is racing right now.

Viv:  There are so many directions we could take you in.

Liv:  How many followers do you have?

Edie:  If you’re talking about cats—twenty-six.  Although Muriel was pregnant when I left to come here, so it could be more by now.

Viv:  So you’re into cats and raccoons?

Edie:  To me, they’re all the same.  A raccoon is just a cat that hasn’t bit you yet.

Liv:  My god, the wisdom.  It’s just—so profound.

Viv:  I’m thinking we could go the Malala route with her.  Get her a coffee table book.

Liv:  Get her on Ellen.

Viv:  Ellen would have to give her something.  Have you been to college, Edie?

Edie:  I’ll have you know I went to Life University and graduated with a degree in Positive Outlooks and Upbeat Thinking.

Liv:  You sound a little like the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.

Edie:  I was mistaken for a scarecrow once when I wore my hammock ensemble with my wide-brimmed hat.  True icons are never fully appreciated in their own time.

Viv:  Sad but true.

Liv:  We need to get her on Twitter.

Viv:  Twitter is over.  We need to get her on Snapchat.

Liv:  Snapchat isn’t on brand for her.  What about Victr?

Edie:  I love a good Victor.  Victor Laszlo once told me I had the chin of a young Napoleon.  Couldn’t keep his hands off me.

Viv:  I don’t understand half of what she’s saying, and I’m obsessed with her.

Liv:  I want to have her tattooed on me.  Not her picture either.  I mean, I actually want to have her entire body tattooed to me so I can walk around with her stuck to me forever.

Edie:  You two are just divine, you know that?  Simply divine.

Viv:  Edie, we’re going to make you a star.

Liv:  A huge star.  The biggest.

Viv:  You’re going to be trending before you leave this office.

Liv:  It’s going to be incredible.

Edie:  Well, I appreciate that, you two, I really do, but I don’t see how you’re going to make me a star when I already am one.

                (A beat.)

Viv:  That…was the perfect response.

Liv:  So perfect.

Viv:  Perfectly on-brand.

Liv:  Spot on.

Edie:  You know, girls, I knew if I hung around long enough, eventually I’d catch on.

                (End of play.)