The Phone

Characters

Rob

Alan

(A car.  ROB is driving.)

Rob:  That thing had five heads.

Alan:  I know.

Rob:  Five heads.

Alan:  I know, I know.  Watch the road.

Rob:  I was like—Yup.  We are out of here.

Alan:  I wasn’t spending one night in that house.

Rob:  Nobody in their right mind would stay in that house after what we saw.

Alan:  I mean, I know we just bought it, but—

Rob:  Who cares?  There were actual demons living in it.  We’ll get our money back.  It's better than getting eaten by a hydra, or whatever that thing was.

Alan:  Right?  Aw babe, I have to say, I’m really proud of us.

Rob:  You are?

Alan:  Yeah.  You know how, in, like, movies—the married couple witnesses all the signs of a haunting and they stay in the house anyway?  We are smarter than every couple in every movie ever.

Rob:  Well, that’s because it’s a movie.  In real life, when your bed moves itself across a room and the bathroom mirror has ‘Satan’s Niece Lives Here’ spelled in blood, you get the hell out of there.

Alan:  Agreed.  Can we stay at a Marriott tonight?  I’m so stressed out.  I don’t think I could handle a Hilton.

Rob:  We can stay anywhere but that house.

Alan:  You're right.  Anywhere's fine--as long as it's not below four stars.

                (A beat.)

Alan:  Um, do you have my phone?

Rob:  What?

Alan:  My phone.  Do you have my phone?

Rob:  No, why would I have your phone?

Alan:  I asked you to grab it while we were leaving.

Rob:  I don’t think so.

Alan:  No, I did.  I said, ‘Rob, get my phone.  It’s charging by the wall.’

Rob:  Well, maybe I was a little distracted by the five-headed demon chasing us down the stairs.

Alan:  Okay, can we not make this about the demon?  I’m asking you about my phone right now.

Rob:  I don’t have it, Alan.  I was fleeing for my life.

Alan:  Right, okay, but to be fair, you did manage to grab your suitcase.

Rob:  Yeah, I have stuff for work in there.  That’s important.

Alan:  But you didn’t think my phone was important?

Rob:  Your phone isn’t important.

Alan:  Okay, that’s hostile, but I’m going to put a pin in it for a second.  Are you saying that you left my phone back at the house?

Rob:  I guess I did, Alan.  Are we seriously going to fight about this right now?

Alan:  No, of course not.  I just wanted to know if that’s where it was.

Rob:  Because we just escaped, like, an Amityville situation—

Alan:  I know.

Rob:  Barely, by the way, barely escaped.

Alan:  I’m aware.

Rob:  --So I think we should just be grateful that we’re even alive.

Alan:  And that one of us managed to save his suitcase.

Rob:  Oh my god.

Alan:  Sorry--his very important suitcase.

Rob:  You can't be--

Alan:  It’s fine.  I don’t care.

Rob:  Alan—

Alan:  I mean, it’s not like it’s the newest model or anything.

Rob:  This is--

Alan:  It’s not like I just got it two days ago.

Rob:  Why didn’t you grab it if it was so important to you?

Alan:  Because I was taking care of the dog.  Because I’m always taking care of the dog.

Rob:  That’s because it’s your dog.

Alan:  Oh, it’s my dog when it needs to be saved from a five-headed demon, but it’s your dog whenever you need likes on Instagram.

Rob:  That’s not true.

Alan:  It’s not?  Who set up the PeteThePup Instagram account then?

Rob:  That was you.

Alan:  The Snapchat?

Rob:  Okay, that was me.

Alan:  Thank you.

Rob:  I don’t know what to tell you.  We can go back and get the phone tomorrow.

Alan:  Don’t be crazy.  We nearly died in that house.

Rob:  I know.

Alan:  We need to go back tonight.

Rob:  What?

Alan:  The phone isn’t safe there, Rob.  The demon might steal it.

Rob:  Alan—

Alan:  It might hack into it and change my profile photo.  Or throw it against a wall or something just to punish us for getting out of there.

Rob:  Alan—

Alan:  It’s very fragile.  It can’t take that kind of trauma.

Rob:  We are not going back to that Hellport to get your iPhone!

Alan:  Fine.  Just turn around and drop me off.

Rob:  You’re joking.

Alan:  I’ll get it myself since it’s not important to you.

Rob:  You don’t need your phone.

Alan:  Don’t tell me what I need, Rob.

Rob:  That thing had teeth where it’s eyes were supposed to be.  You won’t make it out of the alive.

Alan:  If I can survive two weeks at your father’s lake house every year, I can survive whatever that thing is in our house.

Rob:  I’m not turning around.

Alan:  Would you turn around if your sister Amy was stuck in the house?

Rob:  …Yes.

Alan:  Okay, well then pretend my phone is your sister.

Rob:  A phone is not a human being.

Alan:  Your right.  That phone costs twice what I would pay for a human being.  Even an attractive one.

Rob:  I’ll buy you a new phone.

Alan:  No, you won’t.

Rob:  Yes, I will.

Alan:  Tonight?

Rob:  What?

Alan:   Will you buy me a new phone tonight?

Rob:  It’s almost midnight.  How would I get you a new phone tonight?

Alan:  Then we need to go back.

Rob:  Why do you need your phone tonight?

Alan:  Because I have a photo of the demon on my phone and I need to filter it before I post it tomorrow.

Rob:  And that’s going to take you all night?

Alan:  Rob, do you think I just put one filter on a photo and call it a day?

Rob:  Oh my god.

Alan:  I have to go through multiple filters—layering one on top of another—adjusting contrast and shadows each time.

Rob:  This is surreal.

Alan:  And that’s when I’m working with a good subject.  Did you see how pale that demon was?  The saturation I’m going to need to use probably hasn’t even been invented yet.  We’re talking at least three different apps before that fourth and fifth head look presentable.

Rob:  Why are you worried about making the monster look good?

Alan:  It’s not about making the monster look good.  I don’t care about that.  I’m not out of my mind.

Rob:  Well—

Alan:  It’s for maximum likes.

Rob:  What?

Alan:  Rob, I have a photo of a real life paranormal creature in my phone.  If I play my cards right, and find the right shade of sepia, I could be looking at a thousand likes.

Rob:  A thousand likes?

Alan:  Maybe two.  I’m not throwing away an opportunity like that.  But we have to act fast.  Somebody else could get to the house and take a photo while we’re gone.  Some idiot who just throws up photos online without any regard for how many likes they’re going to get or what time of day they’re posting or what hashtags they use.  We’ve been given a gift, Rob.  We can’t just throw that away.

Rob:  Okay, I’m turning around.

Alan:  Thank you for understanding where I’m coming from here, babe.  I really appreciate it.

Rob:  Oh, I’m not going back for the phone.  I’m going to stay at the house tonight.  You can take the car when we get there.

Alan:  But why—

Rob:  Because if it’s you, your phone, the filters, and the Marriott or a five-headed demon—I’m going to take my chances with the demon.

                (End of Play)