Tyne Daly

Characters

Eli

Kyle

Beth

Lisa

(A restaurant.)

Lisa:  You know, I have to tell you, I was a little bit nervous about agreeing to do this.

Eli:  No reason to be nervous.

Beth:  We did a double date to take the edge off.  Lisa’s just getting back into the dating world.

Eli:  Hey, me too.  The last date I went on was with a naked yoga teacher.

Kyle:  Well, that sounds fun.

                (ALL laugh.)

Lisa:  So she was naked all the time?

Eli:  No, just when she was teaching the yoga.

Lisa:  That’s…so interesting.

Beth:  Uh oh, I hear Awkward Lisa coming out.

Lisa:  No, no—

Beth:  That’s what we used to call her in high school.  Awkward Lisa.  It was kind of her nickname.

Lisa:  Actually, it was just something you would all use to bully me.

Beth:  Hahahaha oh god, you’re still a riot.  Still a riot after all this time.  That’s why we’re friends.

Lisa:  We haven’t spoken in two years and then you called me last week to say you wanted to set me up with your boyfriend’s friend from college.

Beth:  I mean, that’s not exactly how the conversation went.  I asked you about your sister first.

Lisa:  I don’t have a sister.

Beth:  And then we laughed about you not having a sister.  I was like ‘What happened to your sister?  Where’d she go?’  Hahahaha oh my gosh, it went on and on.

Eli:  Kyle and I don’t talk much either.  I just moved back here, and he said he would try to set me up with someone because I told him if I didn’t meet anybody soon I was going to marry an immigrant.

Lisa:  You mean to get them a Green Card?

Eli:  No, just for the company.

Beth:  The point is we’re all here now and we’re all having a blast!  Hahahaha why am I out of wine?  That should be illegal.

Kyle:  Beth loves to drink.

Beth:  And you love to judge.  Hahahaha just kidding—he really does though.

Kyle:  And she really does drink.

Beth:  I really do.

Kyle:  It’s a thing.

Beth:  And it’s going to be a thing until he can stay up all night with the baby without whining about it hahahaha isn’t he cute?  He’s so cute.  He’s adorable.  Are we getting more wine?  Let’s get more wine.

Lisa:  So, uh, Eli—what are your, uh, interests?

Eli:  Oh, uh—Tyne Daly.

Lisa:  I’m sorry.

Eli:  I’m very interested in Tyne Daly.

Lisa:  Is that a band, or—

Beth:  You mean Tyne Daly from, like, tv and stuff?

Kyle:  Yeah, she was on that cop show—

Beth:  Cagney and Lacy.  They were both very manly, but they still had husbands.  See, Kyle?  You don’t always have to judge people.  Sometimes you just notice things about them and keep your mouth shut.

Eli:  I’m not really into tv.

Lisa:  So—

Eli:  I’m very interested in her performance in the Broadway show ‘Mothers and Sons’ by award-winning playwright Terrence McNally.

                (A beat.)

Lisa:  Uh…That’s very…specific.

Kyle:  Yeah, that’s really specific.

Beth:  Very niche.

Eli:  What can I say?  I like what I like.

Lisa:  Actually, I find that very refreshing.  My ex never knew what he liked.  He’d always be like ‘Where should we go eat tonight?’ and I’d be like ‘I hate you and everything you stand for’ and then we’d just kind of stare at each other for awhile.  And, you know, that was very Tuesday.

Beth:  Hahahahaha Awkward Lisa strikes again!  Good thing Eli has a weird hobby or you’d really be tanking this date.

Eli:  It’s not really a hobby.  It’s more like a…curiosity.

Kyle:  You know what Beth is curious about?

Beth:  I don’t think they need to—

Kyle:  She’s been looking at tents online.

Lisa:  Tents?

Kyle:  Like camping tents?

Beth:  Hahaha they know what tents are, Kyle.

Kyle:  She won’t tell me why.  But every day I wake up, and there’s an empty bottle of wine next to her laptop with photos of tents everywhere.

Beth:  I don’t think we need to talk about—

Lisa:  Oh no, I’m very interested in this.

Eli:  Are you any of you familiar with ‘Mothers and Sons?’  Specifically the role of the mother.

Kyle:  Who played the mother?

Lisa:  Tyne Daly.

Eli:  Oh my god, you’ve seen it?

Lisa:  No, I just guessed, because of what you said earlier.

Eli:  (Very disappointed.)  Oh.

Lisa:  But I’m sure she was wonderful in it.  You know, my mom got to see her when she was in Gypsy on Broadway.  She said it was fantastic.

Eli:  Oh, was she in Gypsy?  I didn’t know that.

Lisa:  Yeah, she’s done a lot of theater.

Eli:  I’m really only interested in her work in ‘Mothers and Sons.’

Lisa:  Uh huh.

Kyle:  I’m sure Lisa has a mother.

Beth:  Really, Kyle?  That’s the best you got?

Kyle:  Why don’t you try creating a conversation about Tyne Daly in ‘Mothers and Sons,’ Beth?

Eli:  It’s really hard.  I’ve tried a bunch of times and it never seems to work.

Lisa:  Maybe you should, um, develop other interests?

Eli:  You know, I’ve thought about it, but Tyne Daly just takes up so much of my time.

Lisa:  You mean Tyne Daly in the one play?

Eli:  Yeah, it’s not that there’s a lot to cover, it’s just that I think about it and think about it and there doesn’t seem to be room in my brain for anything else.

Lisa:  The play must have really had a pretty strong impact on you.

Eli:  Oh, I never saw the play.

Lisa:  Excuse me?

Eli:  I never saw it.  I just heard about it.  It was supposed to be great.

Beth:  Hahaha this was a terrible mistake.

Eli:  I can only imagine how good it was.

Kyle:  Should we get the check, or—?

Eli:  I don’t want to read it or anything, because I feel like it wouldn’t be as good as it is in my mind.

Lisa:  Gotcha.

Eli:  I don’t even know what it’s about.  I’m assuming a mother?

Beth:  You know what we still don’t have?  Wine.

Kyle:  Maybe there’s some in that tent over there.

Beth:  Where?

Kyle:  Hahahaha just screwing with you.

Eli:  Anyway, if you ever meet anybody who’s seen it, ask them to call me.  I’d love to meet them.  You seem really nice, Lisa, but I don’t think we have much in common.

Lisa:  Well, we don’t have…the one thing in common, so yeah, I guess you’re right.

Beth:  You’re better off.  Sometimes it’s great to have nothing in common.  That way you don’t feel compelled to talk to each other.  Isn’t that right, Kyle?

Kyle:  I don’t love you anymore.

Beth:  And sometimes I wish you were a tent.  See what happens when you talk to each other?  It's just words and words and death.  That's marriage for you.  Are you two getting married?  You should really consider it.  Changed my whole life.  Before I was alive, and now I'm a zombie.  It's a miracle.  A real miracle.  AND WHERE--IS--THE--WINE?

     (A beat.)

Eli:  Do you want to get out of here?

Lisa:  I'm still on the fence about whether or not you're a serial killer.

Eli:  Would that be a deal-breaker?

Lisa:  Not really.  I'm kind of into serial killers.

Kyle:  You two really seem like you're hitting it off.

Beth:  I think we can all agree this evening was a success.  Hahahahahahahahaha oh!  You know what we should do after you two get married?  We should go on a nice, double camping trip.  Wouldn't that be fun?  I think that would be so much fun.

     (End of Play.)