Dead Celebrities

Characters

Flip Hendricks

Nadine

Tess

Kelly

Willa

    (A game show.)

Flip:  Hello!  And welcome to America’s highest-rated new game show.  I’m Flip Hendricks, your host, and I’m here with two new players--Kelly and Willa.  How are you two ladies doing?

Kelly:  I’m great, Flip.

Willa:  I’m drowning in sweat and student loan debt, Flip.  Let’s play the game.

Flip:  Sounds good.  Now, in two isolated sound booths, we have both of your mothers.  Isn’t that right?

Willa:  That’s right.

Kelly:  Maybe you could keep her there.  (Laughs.)  Just until Christmas is over so she can stop asking me when I’m getting married.

Flip:  How are you two mom’s doing in there?

Nadine:  Is it just me or is it hot?

Tess:  Do I need a microphone?

Nadine:  I’m very warm.

Tess:  I never received a microphone.

Filp:  Kelly and Willa, we’re going to ask your mom’s a question, and you have to guess whether or not they’re going to get that question right.  It doesn’t matter what they say, since this is all about how well you know what they know.

Kelly:  Got it.

Willa:  This is a descent into madness, and I’m here for it, Flip.

Nadine:  Is Kelly out there?  Is she married yet?

Tess:  Was that hummus in the green room for me?  I was afraid to touch it in case it wasn’t for me.

Flip:  Okay, now let’s get ready to play the game.  America, this is--Does Your Mother Know Whether or Not a Celebrity Is Dead or Alive!

Willa:  I’m ready.

Kelly:  My mother still thinks Rhianna and Beyonce are the same person.

Flip:  Tess, let’s start with you.

Tess:  Hi Flip!

Nadine:  Is it my turn?

Flip:  No Nadine, we’re starting with Tess.

Nadine:  Who’s Tess?

Flip:  The other mom.

Nadine:  It’s very warm in here.

Kelly:  Mom, can you just please wait your turn?

Nadine:  Okay, okay.  Don’t bite my head off.

Flip:  All right!  Tess, I’ll be right with you.

Tess:  I’ll be here, Flip.

Flip:  Okay, kill the sound in both isolation booths, please.  Now Willa, does your mother know whether or not Ginger from Gilligan’s Island is dead or alive?

Willa:  Uh...I don’t even know that.

Kelly:  Really?  She’s totally dead.

Flip:  Kelly, do you want to steal?

Willa:  No!  No.  She does not get to steal.  I’m playing this one.  And you know what?  I...I think she’s alive.

Flip:  But does your mother know that?

Willa:  Not a chance.  She thinks everyone’s dead.

Flip:  Let’s see.  Tess, can you hear me?

Tess:  I can hear you, but I did not receive a microphone.

Flip:  You don’t need a microphone, Tess.  I just need to know if Tina Louise--Ginger from Gilligan’s Island--is dead or alive.

Tess:  I love Gilligan’s Island, and Tina Louise is alive.

Willa:  Mom!

Tess:  What?  Am I wrong?

Willa:  No, but I’m wrong, because I thought you would say she was dead.

Tess:  Why would I think she was dead?  I just saw her on my story the other night.

Willa:  What story?

Tess:  The one with the lawyers.  She played a judge.  She was very good.  You know who else was good on it?  That one with the red hair.

Willa:  Not a clue.

Tess:  I called your Auntie Linda to see if she watched it.  She liked it too.  By the way, your cousin is in a Broadway show.  I’m getting us tickets.  Don’t make any plans in April.

Flip:  Moving right along, please make sure that Nadine’s isolation booth has the sound turned off as we ask Kelly--Does your mother know if Elizabeth Montgomery from Bewitched is dead or alive?

Kelly:  Okay, um, well--I’m pretty sure she’s dead, and I’m going to say my Mom knows that too.

Flip:  Let’s find out.  Nadine, can you hear me?

Nadine:  Is it over?

Flip:  No Nadine, it’s your turn.

Nadine:  I’ll solve the puzzle.

Flip:  Wrong game, Nadine.  Tell me--is Elizabeth Montgomery dead or alive?

Nadine:  She’s alive.

Kelly:  Mom!  Seriously?

Nadine:  You mean she’s dead?

Kelly:  Yes!  She’s been dead for years.

Nadine:  Oh, that’s too bad.  I loved her on I Dream of Jeannie.

Kelly:  That’s Barbara Eden!

Nadine:  Aren’t they the same person?

Kelly:  No!

Flip:  Time for the Call Out Round!  Where we allow your mothers to call someone in your family and ask them for help figuring out whether or not a celebrity is dead or alive.  Willa, who did your mother choose?

Willa:  My brother Kyle.

Flip:  Let’s call him up.

Kyle:  Hello?

Flip:  Hi Kyle, you’re on national television.

Kyle:  Is this because I pledged all those hours to The Big Help and never did any of the community service?

Flip:  No, but you are a horrible person.

Tess:  Kyle, you need to tell me whether or not someone is dead.

Kyle:  Mom, I told you, Mrs. Hobbes from down the street is fine.  The police checked on her.  She’s just binge-watching The Wire.  You’ll see her again in a few weeks.

Tess:  No, we’re talking about celebrities.

Kyle:  Ohhh, okay.

Flip:  Kyle and Tess, help Willa out--is Kim Novak alive or dead?

Tess and Kyle:  Dead.

Flip:  Willa?

Willa:  She’s definitely dead.

Flip:  Actually, she’s alive, but you’re all wrong, which means Willa gets the point!

Willa:  Yes!

Tess:  She’s alive?

Kyle:  Oh my god, she must be like a thousand years old.

Flip:  Pretty close to it, Kyle.  Thanks for helping out your sister.  Kelly, who do you have helping your mom?

Kelly:  My cousin.

Nadine:  He’s a wonderful boy.  Needs to meet a nice girl.

Flip:  Well lots of nice girls watch this show.  Maybe one of them will like the sound of his voice.  Alan, are you there?

Alan:  Hey Flip, what’s shaking?

Flip:  Oh not much, what’s up with you?

Alan:  I’m currently staying at a Marriott Hotel while a priest blesses my house.

Flip:  Sounds like fun.  You ready to help your aunt?

Alan:  I’m ready.  Hi Auntie Nadine!

Nadine:  Hi Alan!

Flip:  Now Alan, this will win the game for your cousin Kelly.

Kelly:  Don’t screw this up for me, Alan.  I want to go to Turks and Caicos this year, not just Turks.

Flip:  Alan and Nadine, put your heads together and tell me--is Susan Dey from the Patridge Family alive or dead.

Nadine:  Oh, she’s alive.  She’s not even that old.

Alan:  I think it’s a trick question.  Like, she’s not that old, but she died young or something.

Kelly:  I agree with Alan.  I think she probably died young.

Nadine:  No, the other one from the Patridge Family died young.  The little boy with the tambourine.

Kelly:  There was no boy with a tambourine on the Partridge Family.

Nadine:  He had the tambourine and the lisp.

Kelly:  You’re thinking of Cindy from The Brady Bunch.

Nadine:  Cindy never had a tambourine.

Kelly:  Nobody had a tambourine!

Alan:  I think she’s dead.

Kelly:  I agree with Alan.

Nadine:  I say she’s alive.

Flip:  Kelly, you have to match with your mother.  She’s saying Susan Dey is alive.

    (A beat.)

Kelly:  And I say she’s not.  My mom is wrong.

Flip:  Well, let’s see if Willa wins or if we go into a tie-breaker.

Willa:  Oh god, I have no idea whether or not Bob Newhart is alive.

Tess:  He’s dead.

Flip:  No, he’s not.

Willa:  See?  I’m terrible at this!

Flip:  But that doesn’t because Susan Dey isn’t dead!  Willa, you win the game!

Willa:  Yes!

Kelly:  One day I’ll see Caicos.

Flip:  Thanks for playing, everybody.

Nadine:  But when do we find a man for my daughter?

Flip:  Have a good night!

    (End of Play)