Edie's Brand

Characters

Viv

Liv

Edie

                (A boardroom.)

Viv:  We’re so glad you could come in.

Liv:  We think you made a great decision.

Viv:  Fantastic decision.

Liv:  Bryson Branding is one of the top five brand consultant companies in the market today.

Viv:  We had to move a lot of very important people around just to get you this appointment.

Liv:  Not that we weren’t glad to do it.

Viv:  Oh no, we were thrilled.  We were thrilled to do it.

Liv:  Overjoyed to do it.

Viv:  So happy you’re here.

Edie:  It’s very fine to be here.

Viv:  So, should we call you Edie or Little Edie, or—

Edie:  Edie is fine.  There is no more Big Edie, after all.

Liv:  I do love that moniker though.  Little Edie.

Viv:  Very unique.  Very sort of vintage, you know?

Liv:  But current.

Viv:  We could work that into your brand.

Edie:  Well, I was the younger Edie, you see, and my mother was the older.  It had nothing to do with weight.  I always had a very slim figure.  Very trim and attractive.  Drove the men just wild.

Liv:  Now, is talking like a gangster’s aunt part of your brand?

Edie:  I would say so.  It’s very my style, you see.  Very Edie.

Viv:  Very Edie.  I like that.

Liv:  We can work with that.

Viv:  And Little Edie too.  That could be a subset of your brand.

Liv:  A tributary brand.

Viv:  An offshoot.

Liv:  I’m so excited about this.

Viv:  We’re so excited about you, Edie.

Liv:  We couldn’t be more excited.

Edie:  Now what about my designs?

Viv:  Well, fashion is a big part of branding.

Edie:  I’m thinking flags.

Liv:  So you’re very patriotic?

Edie:  Oh yes, very patriotic.  Very national.  Very Americana.  Fourth of July and all that.

Viv:  Patriotism is a little tricky at the moment, but if anybody can bring it back, it’s you, Edie.

Liv:  We just had a meeting with Wonder Woman about the very same thing.

Viv:  Nationalism for the Individual.  We’re getting her a blog.

Liv:  We’re getting her five blogs.

Viv:  We could get you ten.

Edie:  I’d love a blog dedicated to my painting.  I’m a very terrific painter, you see.  Very modern.  Very sharp.  I like edges.

Liv:  Edges are very much your brand.  I can see that.  I can see that very clearly.

Viv:  You’re really just a series of points thrown together to create one big needle.

Edie:  Sounds divine.

Liv:  What else besides fashion and painting interest you?

Viv:  What else makes up a Little Edie?

Liv:  Or just an Edie?

Edie:  Well, I am a great singer.  Lovely singer.  Men used to come from far and wide to hear me sing.  Or maybe that was my mother.  She was a great lover of corn, you know.

Viv:  Do you like corn?

Edie:  Not so much.

Liv:  No corn then.  Corn’s not really in these days anyway.  Cauliflower is very big right now.

Edie:  Well, I’m mad about cauliflower.  Just wild about it.

Viv:  How many Instagram accounts do you have?

Edie:  Is that like a record player, because if so, I have seventeen.  Eighteen if you count the one I made out of tuna cans.

Liv:  So you’re crafty?

Edie:  Not really.  I only sneak out of the house on Thursdays to visit the seals and cry by the ocean.

Viv:  No, we mean, you enjoy making things.

Edie:  Oh yes, very much so.  I make dresses, and hats, and blankets, and toasters, and blankets into dresses, and toasters into hats, and one time, I made a raccoon into a friend.  His name was Robert.  He was divine.

Liv:  My brain is racing right now.

Viv:  There are so many directions we could take you in.

Liv:  How many followers do you have?

Edie:  If you’re talking about cats—twenty-six.  Although Muriel was pregnant when I left to come here, so it could be more by now.

Viv:  So you’re into cats and raccoons?

Edie:  To me, they’re all the same.  A raccoon is just a cat that hasn’t bit you yet.

Liv:  My god, the wisdom.  It’s just—so profound.

Viv:  I’m thinking we could go the Malala route with her.  Get her a coffee table book.

Liv:  Get her on Ellen.

Viv:  Ellen would have to give her something.  Have you been to college, Edie?

Edie:  I’ll have you know I went to Life University and graduated with a degree in Positive Outlooks and Upbeat Thinking.

Liv:  You sound a little like the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.

Edie:  I was mistaken for a scarecrow once when I wore my hammock ensemble with my wide-brimmed hat.  True icons are never fully appreciated in their own time.

Viv:  Sad but true.

Liv:  We need to get her on Twitter.

Viv:  Twitter is over.  We need to get her on Snapchat.

Liv:  Snapchat isn’t on brand for her.  What about Victr?

Edie:  I love a good Victor.  Victor Laszlo once told me I had the chin of a young Napoleon.  Couldn’t keep his hands off me.

Viv:  I don’t understand half of what she’s saying, and I’m obsessed with her.

Liv:  I want to have her tattooed on me.  Not her picture either.  I mean, I actually want to have her entire body tattooed to me so I can walk around with her stuck to me forever.

Edie:  You two are just divine, you know that?  Simply divine.

Viv:  Edie, we’re going to make you a star.

Liv:  A huge star.  The biggest.

Viv:  You’re going to be trending before you leave this office.

Liv:  It’s going to be incredible.

Edie:  Well, I appreciate that, you two, I really do, but I don’t see how you’re going to make me a star when I already am one.

                (A beat.)

Viv:  That…was the perfect response.

Liv:  So perfect.

Viv:  Perfectly on-brand.

Liv:  Spot on.

Edie:  You know, girls, I knew if I hung around long enough, eventually I’d catch on.

                (End of play.)