Clapping Along

Okay, so I was terrified

Everybody—

Oh god

Everybody started clapping

And I—

Well, I have trouble, uh

Clapping

On the beat

Like, on the—

I’m sorry

Can we—

This is just—

I mean, this just happened

I’m still very—

Okay, so everybody was clapping along
And uh, I wanted to, uh, join in

Of course

But I—

I knew that once I started

I mean, it all starts out fine

It’s easy when you start

And then you have to keep going

Because the whole song—

I mean, I don’t know if you’ve heard it

But the whole song

The entire thing is, uh

Hand claps

I mean, it’s nothing but hand claps

It’s horrible

I don’t know why—

I mean, I don’t know why

Anybody would do that

To a group of people

Just, uh, foist something like that

On them

I mean, three and a half minutes

Of hand clapping is—

It’s terrorism

I mean, I’m sorry, but—

Yes, yes

For someone like me?

That’s terrorism

It is public humiliation

And it is—

And what was I going to do?
Not clap?

That’s even worse

Then they think I’m not enjoying myself

They think I don’t like the song

And I love the song

I love it

I sing it in my car all the time—

But I don’t CLAP to it

I don’t CLAP along

For one thing

My car would go off the road

For another—

I CAN’T KEEP THE BEAT

But I tried

I really tried and—

God, it was awful

It was just awful

Just me

Careening off the beat

Like, uh, like, like—

IT WAS AWFUL

Never again

I’m never going to a concert again

Never

Never again

Never

. . . . .

But I mean other than that

I had a nice time