Tragic Men and How to Love Them

Well first you have to pretend

You’re moved when they cry

They’re going to cry

And they’re going to think

It’s a big deal

That they’re crying

And that they’re letting you

Watch them cry

That they're letting you
Like it's a privilege
Or something 

So you have to be prepared

To act like it’s this amazing thing

That you’ve never seen before

A man crying

Oh my god

You really have to put it on

Also, they’re going to buy stupid shit

And you have to just, you know, accept that

And don’t think it’s going to make a difference

That they never have any money

For the shit you need them to have money for

Because when they find an autographed copy of The Bell Jar online

Thousands of dollars is just going to appear out of nowhere

And you’re just going to have to be like—

Hey, where’d that come from?

And then they’re going to cry
And it’s going to be tragic

You’re going to have prop them up
Constantly

It’s like dating a fucking, um—

One of those dolls

That always falls down?

It’s like that

All they want to do

Is fall down

And have you

Pick them back up again

And when you fall down

They're gonna be like—

Oh my god

What do I do?

How can I help you?
Can I help you?
Oh my god

Now I’m falling down too

Now we’re both down

What now?

So, like, the good part about it is

You learn how to pick yourself up, you know?

I mean, I wouldn’t say it’s a good thing

But it’s a silver lining, so fuck it

Take what you can get, you know?

And fidelity?

Oh my god

Don’t even think about fidelity

You are not getting fidelity

I mean, he will talk your fucking ear off

About how strongly he feels about monogamy

But as soon as you have a fight

He’s going to fuck the first girl

To stare at him while he talks about some stupid fucking philosophical theory he has

That he thinks is so original

Even though it’s really just recycled Buddhism

With some Emily Dickinson thrown in

To get those seasonal depression girls extra wet

So when that happens

Just, like, shrug it off

I mean, what other fucking choice do you have, right?

You know?
You know what I mean?

Oh!

He’s going to make you listen to things he’s written
And it’s all going to be awful

But you have to pretend it’s not

Because he’s so good in bed

Did I mention that?

He’s going to be really fucking good in bed

And it’s going to be a lousy reason to stay with him, but like—

So many people

Are bad in bed

So. 
Many. 
Fucking. 
People.

And he comes along
And he’s so good

And, just, such a good kisser

And the next morning

His breath doesn’t even smell bad

And you don’t understand how that’s possible

Unless he’s getting up in the middle of the night

To, like, brush his teeth a few times

But even then

It wouldn’t smell as good as it does

And he drinks like he’s Dylan Fucking Thomas

And he’s proud of it

Like, he’s super proud of it

And he’s really nice to homeless people

But he treats his mother like shit

And he treats you like shit

And you love

You fucking love him

And it’s abysmal

It’s so fucking abysmal

And you start to hate yourself

For how easy it is

For him to play these Candyland mind games with you

And for you to fall for it and—

And one day

One day

You’ll have had enough

And that’ll be—

I mean, it's whatever

Because by then

Your life is ruined

It’s fucking ruined

And there’s really no point

In it being over
Because your whole life is over
So you're glad it's done
But you're done too
So...

Like, you might as well

Just stay with him at that point

Because otherwise

He’s probably going to go find another girl
And, like, be really cool to her

Because he’s gotten all the asshole out of his system

With you, because that’s how that works

That’s how it always works

And it’s tough, man

You know?

Like, it’s fucking tough
And tragic

It’s really
Really
Tragic