Call Me Dorothy

You have to imagine me as Dorothy

I mean, she did a good job

She was fine

I loved it

Of course

I’m not saying she wasn't
Fine
I mean

But if you could have seen

What I did with Dorothy

It was just--

It’s just a shame

Because Judy was great

But I wish the world

Could have seen my Dorothy, you know?

I just wish

I could have contributed that

To, in general, the world

At large

The world at large

You should have seen my choices

They asked me to do ‘Over the Rainbow’

I was like--

‘Oh, I’ll do “Over the Rainbow”’

So I did sort of a--

More of a talk/sing kind of

Thing with it?

Which is my thing

The talk/sing

That’s like my signature

For the most part

They asked me to do the scene

Where the mean lady

Takes Toto

And I just sort of

Stoically

Gave her the dog

Like--

‘Yes, by all means, take him.

I have no use for him’

And then as soon as she was out the door

I just started screaming

And clawing at Uncle Henry’s face

And oh my god

You should have seen the look on the studio head’s face

You could tell

He didn’t know what to do with me

And usually

That’s how you know you have them

But this time around

They just played it safe

First they went with Shirley Temple

Then Judy

And then it was probably

Going to be me

So--I mean I was close

I was really close

And I was ready to commit to it too

I threw out every shoe I owned

That wasn’t red

I threw out every dress

That wasn’t blue

I bought a farm

A real farm

With a lamb

I mean, I was committed

I never did find out
What happened
To any of those other animals
But I remember the lamb
Being in the bedroom
When I found out they went with Judy
And then everything went black
And I woke up in Nova Scotia

I know I probably should have waited

Until I got the role

Or even a callback or something

But I was just so ready

For a year nobody was allowed

To address me

As anything but Dorothy

And then I thought to myself--

Huh

They haven’t called

Shouldn’t we be filming the movie by now?

Turns out

It had already been in the theaters

For six months

And I just didn’t know about it

Because I was too busy on the farm

Taking care of the lamb

Hahahahaha

Man, Hollywood is nuts

And if you’re like me

You have to try really hard

Not to let it get to you

But--

My Dorothy?

That would have been a real treat

You can bet the, uh--

Your life

You can bet your life on that

But I guess Judy was fine

She was sort of, uh…

Well, she was fine

She wasn’t my Dorothy, but--

I guess she did okay