Remembering the Note

This used to be a marker

For me

This time of year

Usually

I’m sitting at my desk

And I remember

What it is

What day, or just--

The week

The week it is

This was the week

I came home six years ago

And there he was

Holding a note

The note he was going to leave me

Before he left

But--

Then he forgot to leave

Or he chickened out

Whatever

The point is

He was standing there

Holding a note

A note

Explaining

Why

He was going to leave

Why he was going to leave me

And I got there

And I, uh

Sat down

At the kitchen table

And he read me the note

He read me

The fucking

Note

Then he left

And that’s what time of year this is

Usually

For years

The weather would get a certain way

The sun would start to feel warmer

The wind would get a little less colder

And I would get violently, irrationally ill

Because--

Because it’s like my body knew

That this

Is the time

Of the Note

And every year

Without fail

No matter how great

Everything might be going

Suddenly

Everything sucks

Because I have this reminder

This--intrinsic like, organic

Biological reminder

Built into myself

That at one point

Somebody not only left me

But, like, sat me down

And explained to me

Why I

Am not worth

Sticking around for

You know how they say every seven years

Your body, like, replaces all the atoms in your body?

Well, I wish bad memories

Were made out of atoms

I wish getting your heart broken

Was something just--

Made up out something

My body could get rid of

After seven or even eight years

It’s been ten years

Since he read me

That Note

And every year

My body

Remembers

My body knows exactly

What month it is

What week it is

What day it is

Sun getting brighter

Wind getting warmer

Birds singing in the trees

But not for me, Gershwin

Not for me

Until this year

This year, I didn’t remember

It’s not--

‘Oh, I got over it’

‘Oh, it’s better’

‘Oh, it doesn’t hurt to think about it’

It’s just…

I don’t remember it

Not anymore

My body let it go

Seven years for atoms

Ten years heartbreak

I guess

You hope you get to a point

With everything that’s happened to you

Where--

Where you’re a strong enough person

To think about this shit

And not get all fucked up about it

But sometimes

It’s just not remembering it

Sometimes it’s just--

That enough time has gone by

And you’re not necessarily a stronger person

But you’re a different person

You’re just--

A totally different person

And that’s gotta be okay for you, you know?

That’s gotta be
Okay