Cruel and Quiet

Oh he was that special kind of cruel, you know

Cruel and quiet?

You’d do something

He didn’t like

And he’d um, with his cigarette

Uh, he’d put it down

And look you up and down

And boy oh boy

You knew

You were in for it

Not a beating

I got beatings before

My daddy used to beat

The shit out of me

So I can take a beating

And I’m proud of that

Some people get all embarrassed

Talking about their parents beating them

Not me

I like that I can take a punch

Never know when that’s

Going to come in handy

And it does

When you’re a guy

And you go with other guys

Because people might give a shit

About a girl getting beat

But they see a guy

Beating up another guy

And they figure he deserves it

Maybe he mouthed off or something

Then they just turn

And look someplace else

So they don’t get their ass beat too

But this guy?

He didn’t beat me

Didn’t seem interested in that

And that’s how I should have guessed

I was dealing

With a real psychopath

Somebody who passes up

A chance to beat somebody

Who doesn’t mind getting beat

Really has a screw loose in 'em

If you ask me

Instead he’d wait

And sort of…percolate?

Like a coffeemaker, you know?

He’d go bubble bubble bubble

And then a week later

He’d come out with a jab

That would knock your lungs out

I mean, he knew the buttons

He looked at you

And he just knew

What to say

To get you

Really upside down

Damn, sometimes I thought about hitting him

And I’m not a violent person at all

Not at all

But he’d say something about something

And my eyes would go sideways

And I’d really want to turn his ass out

But I didn’t

Just couldn’t get over it

How he could hurt me

In that way

I’d never been hurt before

And the truth was…

I started to like being hurt

I don’t think the folks at the counseling center

Would want me to admit that

But it’s true

He’d ding me real good

And I'd actually start to shiver a little bit

I used to hurt myself sometimes

When I was younger

But I cut that out

Once my dad caught me

Because he hurt me ten times worse

Than I could ever hurt myself
And he didn't like me
Doing anything for myself
He could do for me

After he found out

He was all over my ass

Then I started dating the psychopath

And he’d hit my buttons so good

Fuck

Feels messed up to admit it, but…

Just felt familiar to me

My dad died two years

After I left home

And I didn’t say word one to him

After he told me

To get the fuck out of his house so—

To be hurt as good as he used to hurt me?

Damn, you know

It just…

It just felt like home