If the Shoe Fits

I’m not here to tell you

How to raise your kid

But I will say

That you’re doing it wrong

I raised all those kids

With no rooms

No beds

Nothing but a shoe

And only a handful of them

Turned out to be serial killers

I mean, just three or four

Really turned out messed up

But the rest

Are truly wonderful people

Jerry, he used to love

Just sitting on the shoelaces

Falling asleep out there

Even in the rain

In the snow

During a blizzard

You couldn’t get him

Off the shoelaces

He disappeared about ten years back

And I haven’t heard from him since

But I figure if he lived through all that

He can handle himself

Out there in the world

And that’s parenting

You raise ‘em in a shoe

You feed them when you can

You try not to name them anything stupid

And if you’re lucky

They don’t get eaten by wolves

As soon as they leave the sole

Now, as far as I know

I’ve raised the last of my kids

Two left last week

And I know there was one in the heel

But I heard a door open and close last night

So I think I’m in the clear now

Oh sure, some come back and visit

And when they do

Sometimes they stay for a year or two

But as far as any actually living here

Permanently

I think those days are over

It doesn’t hurt that most of them

Didn’t really enjoy

Living in a shoe

They used to beg me

To move them into a house

And I used to say to them--

‘Do you know how much houses cost?’

And that usually shut them up

For a few minutes

Until they started asking

About a house again

I was fine in the shoe

A home isn’t supposed to be perfect

It’s just supposed to stop you

From freezing to death

In the winter

You know how well insulated

Giant shoes are?

Pretty well insulated

I’ll tell you that

I don’t remember being cold once

When we lived in that shoe

The tuna can on the other hand…

Those were rough times

That was back when I had a husband

He liked cans

I liked shoes

And you can’t really get past those differences

Even when you have a few dozen kids to consider

I liked being a mom

He liked being an asshole

And we split the difference

I got the kids

He got a train ticket

And I think everything worked out all right

Aside from the serial killers

But you know

Statistically

There was no way I was having that many kids

Without a few of them

Murdering people

It’s just not possible

You give them love

And you get them

The hell out of the shoe

So they can give it

To somebody else

Now you’re giving your kids a lot

Phones

Computers

Computers on their phones

But are you giving them love?

If not, you should be careful

Because it’s one thing to raise sixty kids

And have a few of them turn out bad

But when you only have two or three

And those turn out bad?

Well…

Then you really need to ask yourself

If there was a problem

At home