Caesar Calls Out

(Two phone calls.  On one side, JULIUS and his wife CALPURNIA.  On the other side, CASSIUS and BRUTUS.)

CALPURNIA:  Just tell them, you’re not coming in.

JULIUS:  Yeah, I really can’t make it in there today.

CASSIUS:  What’s he saying?

BRUTUS:  He says he can’t come in.

CASSIUS:  Well tell him he has to come in.

BRUTUS:  I just--Hey buddy, it’s Brutus.  We’re really going to need you to come in today.

CALPURNIA:  What are they saying?

JULIUS:  They’re saying I need to come in.

CALPURNIA:  Who’s saying that?

JULIUS:  Brutus.

CALPURNIA:  He’s going to murder you.

JULIUS:  Will you calm down?  Nobody’s getting murdered.

CASSIUS:  Are we murdering him or what?

CALPURNIA:  Okay, fine. Go get murdered.  What do I care?

JULIUS:  Brutus, I’m really not feeling well.

BRUTUS:  He says he’s not feeling well.

CASSIUS:  I told you we should have killed him yesterday.

BRUTUS:  We had the workplace harassment seminar yesterday.

CASSIUS:  We could have moved it.

BRUTUS:  Oh yeah, try moving that seminar, watch what happens.

JULIUS:  You there, buddy?

BRUTUS:  Hey buddy, listen, uh, it’s really important that you get here, like, as soon as possible, and, uh, don’t wear any armor or anything.  Like, nothing a knife would have trouble piercing, you know?

CALPURNIA:  What’s he saying?

JULIUS:  Just some stuff about dress code.

CASSIUS:  You’re such an idiot.

BRUTUS:  I’m staying one step ahead of him.

CASSIUS:  This is why nobody ever asks you to assassinate anybody with them.

JULIUS:  Brutus, what is this about?

BRUTUS:  Uh, we--

CASSIUS:  Tell him it’s about--

BRUTUS:  We can’t find the paper.  You know, the, uh, paper--

CASSIUS:  The paper?

JULIUS:  They’re looking for a paper.

CALPURNIA:  What paper?

BRUTUS:  The one you signed.

JULIUS:  Something I signed, I guess?

CALPURNIA:  You mean a decree?

JULIUS:  Are you talking about a decree?

CASSIUS:  No!

BRUTUS:  Yes!

JULIUS:  Oh, I left that on my desk.  It’s next to the head of the last army I defeated.

BRUTUS:  Uh…

CASSIUS:  Look what you did.

BRUTUS:  I, um, meant the--other decree?

JULIUS:  They said they’re looking for the other decree.

CALPURNIA:  They’re just making stuff up.  There is no decree. My dream was correct.  They want to murder you and throw Rome into chaos.

BRUTUS:  Is that Calpurnia?  Hey Calpurnia!

CALPURNIA:  Hey Brutus, how’s Jen?

BRUTUS:  Oh, she’s still got that thing on her shoulder.

CALPURNIA:  Did she try the lotion I gave her?

BRUTUS:  You know, I gave it to her, but I don’t know if she tried it.  I’ll have to ask her.

CALPURNIA:  Ask her and see what she says.

BRUTUS:  I will. Thanks, Cal.

CALPURNIA:  No problem. (Laughs.)  They’re definitely going to kill you.

CASSIUS:  She’s onto us.

BRUTUS:  No, she’s not.

CALPURNIA:  They are going to kill you and I am going to marry someone half your age and dance on your grave, you big idiot.

BRUTUS:  She doesn’t suspect a thing.

JULIUS:  Brutus, I really need today off, but, uh, I should be in again tomorrow.

BRUTUS:  He says he’s going to come in tomorrow.  Can’t we do it then/

CASSIUS:  Nooooooo, we have the motivational speaker tomorrow.

BRUTUS:  That’s tomorrow?

CASSIUS:  Yes.

BRUTUS:  Hey Julius, we have the motivational speaker tomorrow, so--today’s really the best day for you to come in and find that, uh, other decree.

JULIUS:  They keep talking about this other decree.

CALPURNIA:  How are you this stupid and this powerful at the same time?

JULIUS:  I’m a man?

CALPURNIA:  Do not go to work today.

CASSIUS:  Give me the damn phone.  I’ll get him here.

BRUTUS:  How?

CASSIUS:  By saying the one word no self-inflated, powerful man can resist.

(He takes the phone.)

Hey Julius, I didn’t want to spoil the surprise, but, uh--you’re actually getting an award.

JULIUS:  An award?

CALPURNIA:  Oh dammit.

CASSIUS:  We were keeping it a secret, but--

JULIUS:  I’ll be right there.  Is there a ceremony? If there’s a ceremony, don’t start it without me.  Do I get to make a speech? I can make a speech. I don’t mind. I don’t mind making a speech.  I’ll see you in an hour. Half an hour. Ten minutes, tops.

BRUTUS:  Wow.

CALPURNIA:  You’re so dead.

JULIUS:  Bye honey, gotta run.

CALPURNIA:  There goes Rome.

End of Play