What Do You Think You're Going to Think?

(A theater.  PAUL is already seated.  NANCY sits next to him.)

NANCY:  Is this seat taken?

PAUL:  Uh, no.

NANCY:  Just kidding.  All the seats are assigned.  This is my seat. I was just kidding.

PAUL:  Oh. Okay.

(A beat.)

NANCY:  You, uh--you write for the Gazette, right?

PAUL:  I--yes.

NANCY:  So you’re reviewing this--this show?

PAUL:  I--yes.

NANCY:  That’s fun.

PAUL:  It--yes.

(A beat.)

NANCY:  You know, my son is in the show.

PAUL:  Oh boy.

NANCY:  He’s playing the lead.  Joseph Leone. He’s in the program.

PAUL:  Yes, that’s usually where they put the lead.

NANCY:  You’re going to love him.  I mean, I’m not supposed to tell you what you’re going to love and not love, but--oh wow--you are going to LOVE him.

PAUL:  Have you seen the show yet?

NANCY:  No, I don’t go to previews.  He won’t let me. I have to badger him just to get a ticket to opening night.  He says I make him too nervous.

PAUL:  Kids always that.

NANCY:  Right? Just because I wave to him whenever he’s onstage.  I just want him to know that I’m here.

PAUL:  That’s...nice.

NANCY:  But just you wait.  You are going to go crazy for him.

PAUL:  I...hope so.

NANCY:  He’s very handsome.  Just like his grandfather.  My father could have been a movie star, but he opened a chicken restaurant outside Albany.  It’s a whole thing. I can tell you about it at intermission.

PAUL:  Oh good, something to look forward to.

NANCY:  You should mention that in the review.

PAUL:  The chicken place?

NANCY:  No--how handsome my son is.

PAUL:  I can’t really take input about what to say in my--

NANCY:  No, you’re right.  I shouldn’t say anything.

PAUL:  Thank you.

NANCY:  You have a job to do, I’m just going to sit here and keep my trap shut.

PAUL:  Thanks.

(A beat.)

NANCY:  So what do you think you're going to think?

PAUL:  I--have no idea.

NANCY:  But you are going to be nice, right?

PAUL:  I--I’ll be fair.

NANCY:  Fair doesn’t mean nice.

PAUL:  Yes, it does.

NANCY:  No, fair means ‘I’m going to say what I want and then if you ask me why I was so mean, I’m going to say “I was fair.”’

PAUL:  That’s one interpretation.

NANCY:  You better not say anything mean about my Joey.

PAUL:  But he’s the lead.

NANCY:  And he’s excellent.

PAUL:  You don’t know that.

NANCY:  Why don’t you have a little faith?

PAUL:  You want me to have faith in your son?

NANCY:  Yes.

PAUL:  Well, I can’t--do that.

NANCY:  So you’re going to be mean?

PAUL:  If he’s good, I won’t be mean.  If he’s good, I’ll be nice. And if he’s very good, I’ll be very nice.

(A beat.)

NANCY:  Well, I don’t know if he’s going to be VERY good.

PAUL:  Ma’am--

NANCY:  I mean, he’s okay.  I’ve only seen him in a few things, and, you know, honestly, he’s no Martin Short--

PAUL:  Martin Short isn’t that great of--

NANCY:  You don’t like Martin Short?

PAUL:  I--not really.

NANCY:  Oh, then you’re really not going to like my son.

PAUL:  Your son resembles Martin Short?

NANCY:  No, but he’s nowhere near as talented as Martin Short.  I mean, if you don’t like Martin Short, there is just no way you’re going to like Joey Leone.  I don’t even know who you would like if--

PAUL:  Ma’am, the show’s almost ready to--

NANCY:  You’re right, you’re right--I’ll shut up.

(A beat.)

NANCY:  Just please be nice.  It’s the holidays and it’s been a rough year--for everybody, I know, for everybody--but--it’s been a rough year.  And Joey’s been having a hard time and he’s so excited to be in this show and they’ve all worked so hard and they’re trying, they’re really trying, but it’s gotta be hard, you know?  To do all this? It’s gotta be hard. Getting up there and doing this knowing somebody like you is in the audience with a little notepad and you don’t have to be nice if you don’t want to be?  That’s gotta be hard. And Joey’s not the greatest thing ever, but he’s my kid, and he really--he really loves doing this, and I’d feel terrible if somebody made him feel bad about something he loves, you know?  So I know you have a job, and I know your job can’t be easy, and I know you have to be fair, and I mean really fair, not fair the way you meant it, but--if you could be nice. Just nice. I’d really appreciate it.  I know I shouldn’t say as a mom, but--I’m sure you must have had a mom too, and uh--Well, I’d really appreciate it.

(A beat.)

PAUL:  Okay.

NANCY:  Okay?

PAUL:  Okay.

NANCY:  Good.

(A beat.)

NANCY:  You know...I used to be an actress.

PAUL:  Oh boy.

End of Play