Gay Days

(An office.  KAREN, MARC, CYNTHIA, and RHONDA are beginning the day.)

KAREN:  So I thought we would kick off the holiday season by going over the new PTO policy, and I think you’re all going to be very happy with it.

RHONDA:  That’s what you said when they replaced the candy in the vending machines with healthy snacks, Karen.

KAREN:  Well, when you’re still alive in five years, you’ll be happy with that decision too, Rhonda.

RHONDA:  Not if I’m still working here in five years, Karen.

KAREN:  Rhonda, we will talk about your attitude after the holidays, but for now, why don’t you just put a smile on your big dumb face and listen to me?

RHONDA:  Fine.

MARC:  These meetings are why I always come in forty minutes late.

KAREN:  So you’re all being given increased vacation time this year.

CYNTHIA:  I have a question.

KAREN:  Yes Cynthia?

CYNTHIA:  Are we getting more money?

KAREN:  You’re getting more time.  And time is money. But to be clear, we’re not giving you more money but we are giving you more time so yes and no.

CYNTHIA:  But...are we getting more money?

KAREN:  So who wants to hear about those vacation days?

RHONDA:  I want to hear how I’m supposed to get full on my lunch break with nothing but apple slices and an almond spread.

KAREN:  Get full on a better attitude, Rhonda.  That’s my suggestion.

CYNTHIA:  So--we’re not getting more money?

KAREN:  All employees will be getting an additional five vacation days a year

CYNTHIA:  Wow. That’s better than I thought.

RHONDA:  I know. Even I’m impressed.

KAREN:  Right? This is great, right?

RHONDA:  A whole extra week.

CYNTHIA:  I can finally take that class where you get to drink wine.

RHONDA:  You’re becoming a sommelier?

CYNTHIA:  I don’t know what that is.  I just want to drink wine.

KAREN:  So Cynthia and Rhonda, you each get five bonus days at the beginning of next year.

CYNTHIA/RHONDA:  Thank you./That’s great.

KAREN:  And Marc, you’re going to get twenty-three additional days.

(A beat.)

CYNTHIA:  Wait, what?

RHONDA:  Why does he get so many more days?

MARC:  Um, are you really asking that?

RHONDA:  Yes, I think it’s an honest question.

KAREN:  Rhonda, uh, I don’t know if you know this, but Marc is gay.

MARC:  I am, yes.  I am gay.

RHONDA:  Right, but what does that have to do with his vacation days?

MARC:  Gay people need more vacation days.

RHONDA:  What--why?

CYNTHIA:  Is it because of your religion?

MARC:  No.

CYNTHIA:  I didn’t know if gays got, like, an extra Christmas or something.

RHONDA:  Twenty-three extra days?  Why does he get twenty-three extra days?

KAREN:  He needs them.

RHONDA:  Why?

MARC:  Karen, do you have any idea what I’m expected to do as a gay man?  The events I’m expected to attend? The vacations I’m expected to go on?  Do you even know what Frying Pan is?

RHONDA:  The thing you cook with?

MARC:  No, it’s this event they do every year in the Sahara Desert, and if I’m not there, I might as well die.

KAREN:  My cousin Ben loves Frying Pan.  Hey Marc--

MARC:  Karen, we have talked about this, I am not going out with Ben.

KAREN:  He went to the gym three times last week, but fine, have it your way.

RHONDA:  Marc, you do not need all that vacation time.

MARC:  Rhonda, do you have any idea how long it takes to get to the Sahara Desert?

CYNTHIA:  Like, by canoe or--?

MARC:  Cynthia, what is it you do here?

CYNTHIA:  I’m a dentist.

MARC:  This isn’t a dentist’s office.

CYNTHIA:  Well, then I don’t know.

RHONDA:  Okay, so you have that Sahara Desert thing, what else?

MARC:  Well, I mean, that’s a whole week unto itself.

RHONDA:  A week in the Sahara Desert?

MARC:  You think I’m going to go all the way to the Sahara Desert and then turn around after two days and come back?  Get a grip, Rhonda.

KAREN:  Seriously, Rhonda.  Educate yourself. Take a geography class.

CYNTHIA:  Am I still doing that root canal today?

MARC:  This is an accounting firm, so--no.

RHONDA:  If Frying Pan is a week, then use the extra week Cynthia and I are getting.  What do you need eight additional days for.

MARC:  Frying Pan is only one event, Rhonda.  Then there’s Rockabilly in Nashville, Siesta in Miami, Voter Fraud in DC, Keystone Pipeline in North Dakota, Hip Replacement in Sarasota, Extra Extra Read All About It in Oklahoma City, Starbucks--

RHONDA:  There’s a gay event called Starbucks?

MARC:  No, I just spend a lot of time at Starbucks.  Gurl, I’m tired going to all these events.

KAREN:  Marc, you do not have to defend your life to this woman.

RHONDA:  He does if he’s getting almost five weeks more time off than I do.

KAREN:  And what would you do with all that time off, Rhonda?

RHONDA:  I’d spend it with my boyfriend since the last woman he dated neglected him.

KAREN:  I HAD POTTERY CLASS ONCE A WEEK AND HE COULDN’T HANDLE IT.

CYNTHIA:  Did I ask about the money?

KAREN, MARC, and RHONDA:  Yes.

CYNTHIA:  What was the answer?

MARC:  Rhonda, just be glad you don’t have to spend two straight weeks on the island off the coast of Singapore taking Instagram photos with a drag queen named Ms. Oliver Stone.

KAREN:  Boy, they’re really running out of good drag names, huh?

RHONDA:  If Marc is getting extra time, I want some too.

CYNTHIA:  Me too--or just money.

RHONDA:  And I want Twix back in the vending machines.

KAREN:  Rhonda, people like you may be able to spew your homophobic bs everywhere else in this country--

RHONDA:  Homophobic?

KAREN:  --But I will not tolerate that here.  Gays don’t deserve it. Marc doesn’t deserve it.  My incredibly attractive cousin Ben who just got promoted at work doesn’t--

MARC:  You really got to let this go, Karen.

KAREN:  The point is, it’s harder for Marc out there.  Straight people like you make his life harder and if--

MARC:  Actually, it’s the other gays who really make things tough.  I went from a ten-pack to an eight-pack this year and now I have to live in a bell tower.

RHONDA:  Really?

MARC:  Don’t feel bad though.  The bell tower’s in a great neighborhood and I’m two blocks from my favorite eyebrow-threading place.

RHONDA:  Look, I didn’t realize how much work goes into being you, Marc, so--I guess I’m okay with you having all those extra days.

KAREN:  See? We’re learning about each other.  And learning leads to loving.

RHONDA:  That’s true.  Hey--why don’t you learn how to park without taking up two spots right in front of the building, Karen?

KAREN:  Why don’t you stop showing up at my pottery class, Rhonda?

RHONDA:  Because I want to make an ashtray for my boyfriend.

KAREN:  HE DOESN’T DESERVE AN ASHTRAY!

MARC:  Is it cool if I take tomorrow off?  This conversation is really stressing me out.

The End