Nothing to See Here

(Two Phones.  SHEILA on one end, CARLA on the other.)

SHEILA:  Hi this is MoviePass.

CARLA:  Hi, I think I’m using your service wrong.

SHEILA:  Actually there’s no right way to use it, but go ahead.

CARLA:  Well, I can’t seem to find any movies that I’m eligible to see.

SHEILA:  That’s odd.  Let me run your number through our database and see what’s playing in your area.

CARLA:  Okay, great.  I mean, if I see one movie a month it’s worth the--

SHEILA:  So it looks like there are no movies available this month.

CARLA:  What?

SHEILA:  Yup, nothing to see here.

CARLA:  There are no movies I can see this month?

SHEILA:  Well, there are movies you can see, but we can’t give you a pass to any of them.

CARLA:  Why not?

SHEILA:  That would cost money.

CARLA:  Right.

SHEILA:  And we don’t have any.

CARLA:  You don’t have any money?

SHEILA:  That’s correct.

CARLA:  But what about my money?

SHEILA:  Oh, your money is very important.  It keeps us going. Without your money, there wouldn’t be MoviePass.

CARLA:  But I can’t use MoviePass.

SHEILA:  But because of you, it can continue.

CARLA:  But it’s not doing me any good.

SHEILA:  But we appreciate your support, and we love that you like us.

CARLA:  You’re a business, not a charity.  I’m not supporting you because I like you, I’m buying a product from you.

SHEILA:  Well, actually, we can’t sell you a product because we’d need money to buy the product on your behalf and, as I said, we don’t have any.

CARLA:  Use my money to buy it.

SHEILA:  It’s not enough.  You see, movies cost more than what you’re paying MoviePass.

CARLA:  So how was this ever going to work?

SHEILA:  We were going to sell your personal information to other companies.

CARLA:  Is that what you were going to do?

SHEILA:  Yup.

CARLA:  And people were okay with that?

SHEILA:  Yeah, apparently people don’t like Facebook stealing their data, but if you give them free tickets to Bumblebee, they’ll tell you whatever you wanna know.

CARLA:  So then why didn’t it work?

SHEILA:  Because your personal information’s not worth anything.  Nobody cares about you. You owe thousands of dollars in student loans, you spend too much at Chipotle, and you’ve watched The Kissing Booth way too many times.

CARLA:  You know all that just from following what movies I see?

SHEILA:  No, I know all that because your Facebook profile is public, Carla.

CARLA:  Can I just cancel my MoviePass subscription?

SHEILA:  You could, but then you can’t get another one for nine months.

CARLA:  Why would I want another one in nine months?

SHEILA:  Because we might get our act together by then.

CARLA:  I don’t think that’ll happen.

SHEILA:  Come on, Carla, we’re doing so much better.

CARLA:  I’ve heard that before.

SHEILA:  Just give us a little more time.

CARLA:  I’m just sick and tired of this, MoviePass.

SHEILA:  You think we’re not sick and tired?

CARLA:  So let’s both just--

SHEILA:  But what about all the good times?  Remember when you saw two movies in a day and you didn’t have to pay for either one of them.

CARLA:  Yeah, what plan was that?

SHEILA:  Honestly, we’ve had so many plans, I don’t even remember.

CARLA:  That’s what I mean.  You’ve got these big dreams, but they’re not going anywhere.

SHEILA:  What if I let you see Cross My Heart Wednesday at 8am?

CARLA:  I’m not going to a movie at 8am!

SHEILA:  But I can’t let you see something during peak hours.

CARLA:  What are peak hours?

SHEILA:  Anytime between 9am and midnight.

CARLA:  That’s when the movie theaters are open.

SHEILA:  No, they open early for church crowds, which is why you’re able to see Cross My Heart.

CARLA:  What’s Cross My Heart?

SHEILA:  It’s about a Christian rock singer who gets a heart transplant from a talking dog.

CARLA:  That sounds awful.

SHEILA:  It is. That’s why they gave us all these free movie tickets and that’s how we’re able to give them to you, although honestly, they would probably just give you the tickets and cut out the middle-man if that’s what you really--

CARLA:  I think we need to call it.

SHEILA:  What if I throw in a half-price popcorn?

CARLA:  Can you afford that?

SHEILA:  Not really, no.

CARLA:  No hard feelings.

SHEILA:  We don’t understand.  As long as people signed up for our service and didn’t use it, we would have been fine.  It works for the gym.

CARLA:  Yeah, but people hate going to the gym and they love going to movies.

SHEILA:  Oh right.

CARLA:  Are you going to be okay?

SHEILA:  Do you care if I am?

CARLA:  No, not really.

SHEILA:  You have a great day, Carla.  Maybe I’ll see you at the movies.

CARLA:  Can you afford to go to the--

SHEILA:  Nope. Not really.

End of Play