Meep Meep

(A living room.  WILE E. enters. Several people are already there.)

WILE E:  What the hell is this?

EMILY:  Hi Wile E., I’m Emily.

WILE E:  Hi Emily, who the hell are you?

EMILY:  Why don’t you come in and sit down?  I have two of your friends here, and they’d really like to speak with you.

WILE E:  Um, well, this isn’t really a good time.  I have a lot of contraptions to build.

EMILY:  We just want a few minutes of your time, if that’s okay.

WILE E:  All right.

(He sits.)

EMILY:  Okay, Elmer, is there something you’d like to say to Wile E?

(ELMER takes out a piece of paper and reads.)

ELMER:  Wile E, when we first met, we were just kids.  You were a little coyote and I was just a ten-year-old with a BB gun.  Wow, those years sure did go by fast. But now, I barely recognize you.  Your obsession with this imaginary roadrunner--

WILE E:  He’s not imaginary, he’s real.

EMILY:  Wile E, we’re letting Elmer talk right now.  Go ahead, Elmer.

ELMER:  --This obsession is ruining your life.  All you do now is make traps that don’t work and plan schemes that will never come to fruition.  Your fixation has taken you to the brink over and over again--literally and figuratively--and it’s time to get help.

WILE E:  That’s rich coming from him.

EMILY:  Wile E--

WILE E:  Why don’t you ask about his relationship with that bunny--

ELMER:  Rabbit.

WILE E:  Whatever.  You call that healthy?

EMILY:  We’re not talking about Elmer right now.  We’re talking about you and what you need.

WILE E:  I need to go finish making my human catapult before I miss my chance.

EMILY:  A human catapult?  Wow. That sounds exciting--and dangerous.

WILE E:  It’s incredibly safe.  Acme makes it.

EMILY:  Isn’t there a class action suit against them?

WILE E:  I HAD A COUPON, OKAY?  ARE YOU HAPPY?

ELMER:  I told you he had rage.

WILE E:  Yes, I have rage.  I’m having my time wasted by a bunch of--

EMILY:  Porky, would you like to say anything?

(PORKY takes out a piece of paper and reads.)

PORKY:  Wile E, you are my p-p-p-p-p-p-pal.

WILE E:  Oh god.

PORKY:  We would p-p-p-p-p-p-lay together as k-k-k-k-kids.

WILE E:  Just stop.

PORKY:  Your f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fixation has a-f-f-f-f-f-f-fected me in the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-following s-s-s-s-s-s-s-seventeen ways--

WILE E:  SEVENTEEN?

PORKY:  N-n-n-n-n-number one--

EMILY:  Wile E, I’m just asking for a little respect.  Your friends are here because they love you.

ELMER:  Actually, I thought the rabbit would be here.

WILE E:  My life is fine.  My desire to capture a roadrunner is totally normal and completely under control.

PORKY:  You keep skipping p-p-p-p-p-p-p-poker night.

EMILY:  Is it true you once drew a hole on the side of a mountain, allegedly watched the roadrunner enter it, then ran after him, smashing headfirst into the fake hole you just created?

WILE E:  You say that like it’s the craziest thing you’ve ever heard and you’re sitting next to a talking pig.

PORKY:  Number t-t-t-t-t-t-two--

ELMER:  I’ll never understand being fascinated by a bird.  A rabbit I can see. A bunny, sure. Maybe a hare. But not a bird.

PORKY:  P-p-p-p-p-p-

WILE E:  Is he still going?

PORKY:  P-p-p-p-people keep asking me if you’re okay.

WILE E:  Well, I’m definitely doing better than you.

ELMER:  We had tickets to the opera and you bailed on me.

WILE E:  I told you, I hate Wagner.

ELMER:  YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH ABOUT WAGNER!

EMILY:  Okay, this is getting heated.  Let’s take it down a little.

WILE E:  How dare you all sit here and judge me.  I have a passion. I have a drive. I have something that gives me a reason to wake up in the morning.  What do you have, huh? What do you all have?

EMILY:  I have my children.

WILE E:  CHILDREN?  You’re comparing what I have to CHILDREN?  CHILDREN? I have a decades-long feud with a non-verbal, fast-moving aviary nemesis and you counter with ‘I HAVE MY CHILDREN?’  That’s all you can come up with?

EMILY:  Well, when you say it like that--

ELMER:  You’re going to die chasing that roadrunner.

WILE E:  And Evil Knievel died jumping into a canyon.  But what a way to go!

EMILY:  No, he didn’t.  He died of pulmonary disease in Florida eleven years ago.

(A beat.)

WILE E:  That is the worst death I have ever heard of in my life.

EMILY:  Well--

WILE E:  He died in Florida?

PORKY:  Of p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p--

WILE E:  Pulmonary disease.  Yes, we heard her.

ELMER:  What a way to go.

WILE E:  The man once set himself on fire and jumped in a pool of sharks and he kicks the bucket the same way my Uncle Saul did?

EMILY:  After living a good, long life.  Now isn’t that something you’d like for yourself?

WILE E:  No! I want to go jumping into a canyon.  Or going off a cliff. Or getting snapped in half by a giant mouse trap that doesn’t work when the target steps into it but for some reason--

EMILY:  Do you think maybe that bird you’re chasing owns Acme stock?

WILE E:  I am going in a blaze of glory after years and years of endless humiliation and disappointment.  That’s how I want to go, Emily. And when I get to Heaven, I want to hear the good Lord tell me that up there, all they eat is roadrunner.

EMILY:  All right, Wile E., that’s certainly your choice.  But as long as we’re all here, why don’t we talk about Elmer and this rabbit of his.  Porky?

PORKY:  Elmer, you’re b-b-b-b-b-b-b-breaking my h-h-h-h-h-h--

WILE E:  Well, that’s all folks.

End of Play