The Finalists

                (ELLEN, LIZ, OWEN, and GEORGE are sitting around a break room.)

ELLEN:  Do you believe it?  I was almost America’s Next Great Chef.

LIZ:  That’s amazing, Ellen.

ELLEN:  Of course, I didn’t win, so—here I am.  Back at the office.

OWEN:  It’s still a huge achievement.

GEORGE:  I mean, you came in second place.

ELLEN:  Right.

GEORGE:  I mean, you don’t get any money for second place, but—

ELLEN:  Yeah.  Yeah.  Right.  Yeah.

LIZ:  Ugh, that always makes me so mad.  They never give second place finalists anything.  When I was on Survivor, I almost died from cholera and nothing.

GEORGE:  You came in second on Survivor?  I thought you came in second on Naked and Afraid?

LIZ:  No, you can’t come in second on Naked and Afraid.  They don’t have winners or losers.

GEORGE:  Then why would you do it?

LIZ:  What do you mean why would I do it?  I was on television.

GEORGE:  I know, but—

LIZ:  For an hour.  A whole hour.

ELLEN:  And that’s amazing, Liz.  I mean, to be honest, I envy you.  One hour and you were done.  I was on tv for ten whole weeks, and ugh, now I can’t even go to the market without people recognizing me.

LIZ:  Is that so?  I didn’t realize so many people watched America’s Next Great Chef.

ELLEN:  Oh, it’s very popular.

OWEN:  You know, when I was on The Voice—

LIZ:  Owen, I didn’t know you were on The Voice.

GEORGE:  He only got one chair to turn.

OWEN:  No, two chairs.  I got two chairs.

GEORGE:  Two?  I thought it was—

OWEN:  It was two.

                (A beat.)

But I didn’t win, so…here I am.

GEORGE:  Here you are.

OWEN:  Hey George, remember when you lost on—what was that show?  God, I don’t even remember the name?

GEORGE:  Add It Up: The Search for America’s Next Mathematical Superstar.

OWEN:  Yeah!  Remember when you lost to the calculator in the final round.

GEORGE:  Well, it was a math competition and they put me against a calculator so—

ELLEN:  Did you all see the episode where they had me make a castle out of sweet potatoes?  I couldn’t believe I won that round.  I had to do a similar challenge when I was on Top Chef and that landed me—

GEORGE/OWEN/LIZ:  In the bottom.

ELLEN:  In the bottom, right.  I guess I’ve talked about that before.

GEORGE/OWEN/LIZ:  You have./A lot./Yup.

LIZ:  That castle was so cute.  I’ve never had to make anything out of anything, except for when I had to make shelter out of my own clothing on Frontier Girl.

OWEN:  I had to sing a duet with Chaka Khan on It Takes Two.

GEORGE:  Alex Trebek laughed at me when I told him how much I like Hawaiian pizza.

ELLEN:  Not that it’s a competition.

LIZ:  No, I mean, it’s not even that impressive.

OWEN:  Maybe at one point it was when there weren’t that many shows, but now—

GEORGE:  Now, it’s like—I mean, we all work in the private sector—just average people—

ELLEN:  And I’ve been on—what?  Twelve of those shows?

LIZ:  Seventeen.

OWEN:  Twenty-eight.

GEORGE:  Not that it’s a competition.  Thirty-four.

ELLEN:  Liz, remember when you were on The Bachelor and he sent you home first?

LIZ:  He sent four girls home first.  I could have been fourth.  We’ll never know.

OWEN:  Ellen, remember when you went on Chopped and the judge spit out your braised chicken?

LIZ:  George, remember when you went on Wheel of Fortune and tried to spell the word indicator with an e?

OWEN:  You don’t spell it with an ‘e’?

GEORGE:  Hey Owen, remember when you went on Find My Parents, America and you found them and they rejected you on national television?

                (He laughs for a bit, but nobody else does, so he stops.)

That was heartbreaking.

ELLEN:  Which one of us got the Rachael Ray make-over?

GEORGE:  That was me.

LIZ:  No, I think it was me.

OWEN:  No, you got the make-over from Good Morning, America.

GEORGE:  They do make-overs now?  I thought they were a news show?

                (A beat.  They ALL laugh.)

Wow, I heard it coming out of my mouth and as I was saying it—

OWEN:  Save that one for one of the holiday parties.

LIZ:  Ugh, I dread going home for the holidays.

ELLEN:  It’s a tough time of year.

LIZ:  No, it’s just that everyone’s going to want to talk about my cousin.

GEORGE:  Why?  Did he get on the Biggest Loser reboot?  I hear they’re going to make them weigh in over a shark tank this year.

LIZ:  No, he, uh…it’s a little more impressive than that.

ELLEN:  Look, don’t let him make you feel bad about your visibility, Liz.

OWEN:  Yeah, I mean, you’ve probably been on as much as he has.

GEORGE:  I’m sure we all have.

ELLEN:  What did he win American’s Got Talent or something?

GEORGE:  That would make him—one out of what—twenty people?

OWEN:  Yeah, a lot of people have won that show now, it’s not really a big deal.

LIZ:  Uh—

ELLEN:  Survivor is on Season Thirty-Seven.  Between all-stars and the regular version there are, like, forty Project Runway winners—

GEORGE:  Don’t forget the junior version.

ELLEN:  Right, so—

LIZ:  He won an Oscar.

                (A beat.)

OWEN:  He—what?

LIZ:  An Oscar.  He won an Oscar.

ELLEN:  You didn’t—

LIZ:  I was—I didn’t want to talk about it.

GEORGE:  Geez.

ELLEN:  Wow.

OWEN:  No beating that.

GEORGE:  Nope.

ELLEN:  He wins.

OWEN:  That’s—Man, that really sucks.

LIZ:  Yeah.

OWEN:  I mean, you hear about Oscar winners, but you never think you’re actually going to meet one and then—

LIZ:  Well, it was for Visual Effects.

                (A beat.)

ELLEN/OWEN/GEORGE:  Visual Effects?/Ohhhhh./That’s it?

LIZ:  I mean, it’s still an Oscar.

OWEN:  Not really.

GEORGE:  He wasn’t even in the movie, was he?  I mean, did he get screentime?

LIZ:  No, but—

ELLEN:  Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about it.

OWEN:  Visual Effects.  What does that even mean?

GEORGE:  You’re still way ahead of him, Liz.

ELLEN:  You really scared me there.  I thought you were going to say he was Eddie Redmayne or something.

OWEN:  Which would suck, because then you’d be less famous than someone and your cousin would be Eddie Redmayne.

LIZ:  So, you think I’m good?

GEORGE:  Yeah, you’re totally good.

ELLEN:  Just talk about The Bachelor a lot.  You were on a number one show.  He got an Oscar while half the country was taking a bathroom break.

OWEN:  There are podcasts about you, Liz.  You’re fine.

LIZ:  Thanks, everybody.  I was really feeling bad about myself, but you all really put things into perspective.

ELLEN:  That’s the keyword, Liz.  Perspective.  You have to have perspective.

                End of Play