Call Me Now

If you want to talk

To your dead uncle

Call me now

If you want to talk

To your grandpa

Your grandma

The neighbor who got eaten by a bear

Or the bear who got eaten

By your neighbor

Call me now

If you want to talk

To Abraham Lincoln

Or Sylvia Plath

Or Long John Silver

Call me now

Long John not real, you say?
I’ll let you talk to him anyway

It’s nothing to me

Who’s real and who isn’t

People gotta talk

Whether they’re real or not

You want to ask Bugs Bunny

Where he left all his money?

Call me now!

I’ll let you talk to Fred Astaire

And Fred Savage

Fred’s not dead?

What difference does it make?

He’ll be dead someday

That’s it

That’s what we’ll do

I’ll let you talk to the future versions

Of people who aren’t dead yet

But will be eventually

Ask your great-granddaughter

Why she never liked

The son she’s going to have

Or the son she’ll never have

Talk to people

Who not only don’t exist

But never will exist

Open your mind

Breathe your ears

Cry through your toes

It’s all rules that can’t be followed

And messages from beyond

The furthest reaches

Of the wildest fictions

But not matter

How much we trip over time

And bend it backwards

One thing will always be certain—

That your call

Is one hundred percent…

FREE

…For the first seventy-eight seconds

So spend those seventy-eight seconds

Talking to Wilford Brimley

Or Nell Carter

Or Patricia Neal

Or Felix the Cat

Talk to the teacher who gave you an F

And find out why

It might have been because you were dumb

But you’ll never know

Unless you—

Call me now!

Talk to the ex who broke up with you

And still isn’t returning your calls

It might be the only way

You’ll ever hear from them again

Talk to people

You would never otherwise talk to

In everyday life

Your mail carrier

Your wet nurse

The woman who brings your croissants

As you lay in bed

Enjoying all the luxuries you’re afforded

Because you’re a psychic

And people will pay big money

To ask Grover Cleveland

Who his favorite Beatle is

But all that luxury is not gonna last

Unless you—

CALL ME NOW!

Talk to the friend you just talked to yesterday

Talk to the friend you haven’t made yet

Talk to the friend you forgot to buy a birthday gift for

Want to go back in time

And wish them a happy birthday

Seven birthdays ago?

That’s fine!

It’s all fine

But wet nurse just told me her last check bounced

And we’re out of croissants

And the FBI is at the front door

So I’m going to need a lawyer

And lawyers cost money

So—

CALL ME NOW

CALL ME NOW

CALL ME NOW!

And if you do

I’ll throw in this lovely t-shirt

All we have left

Are mediums

A little joke for you

Tell it to Lincoln when you talk to him

He loves a good joke