(The BUCKET household. Morning.)
GEORGINA: I’m so excited that Charlie
gets to go to the chocolate factory today.
gets to go to the chocolate factory today.
JOSEPHINE: Charlie and Joe.
Can you imagine?
Can you imagine?
GEORGE: I sure am looking forward to that
lifetime supply of chocolate we’re all going to
get to feast on once they’re back.
lifetime supply of chocolate we’re all going to
get to feast on once they’re back.
JOSEPHINE: I know. I really thought we were
all going to starve to death, but now that we can
eat as much chocolate as we want, we’ll probably
die from diabetes long before we die of starvation.
all going to starve to death, but now that we can
eat as much chocolate as we want, we’ll probably
die from diabetes long before we die of starvation.
GEORGINA: It’s lucky Joe was able to take Charlie.
JOSEPHINE: Isn’t it? For a second there, I thought
Charlie’s poor, beleaguered mother was going to
have to take him on a wonderful journey through
the imagination where her faith in life would be restored,
but it looks like she dodged that bullet.
Charlie’s poor, beleaguered mother was going to
have to take him on a wonderful journey through
the imagination where her faith in life would be restored,
but it looks like she dodged that bullet.
GEORGE: Isn’t it curious--
JOSEPHINE: Hmm?
GEORGE: Nothing.
JOSEPHINE: No, George, what were you going to say?
GEORGE: I was just going to say--Isn’t it curious that
Joe managed to just--get up and dance like that after
so many years of being bedridden?
Joe managed to just--get up and dance like that after
so many years of being bedridden?
GEORGINA: George--
GEORGE: I’m not saying anything, Georgina,
I’m just saying it’s curious.
I’m just saying it’s curious.
JOSEPHINE: Well, I don’t think it’s so curious.
The joy of Charlie receiving a golden ticket propelled
him right out of the bed.
The joy of Charlie receiving a golden ticket propelled
him right out of the bed.
GEORGE: Yeaaaahhh, I don’t think that’s how physical
recovery works.
recovery works.
JOSEPHINE: George, you sound a little jealous.
GEORGE: I wouldn’t say jealous so much as--
JOSEPHINE: As?
GEORGINA: George.
GEORGINA: George.
GEORGE: Suspicious.
JOSEPHINE: Suspicious?
GEORGE: I just think--
JOSEPHINE: Do you feel this way too Georgina?
GEORGINA: I--Well--it is a little...odd. Don’t you think?
JOSEPHINE: No, I do not think. It was a miracle.
GEORGE: Well, we could have used that miracle
a little sooner.
a little sooner.
JOSEPHINE: What is going on here?
GEORGINA: Josephine, we’ve all been laying in
this bed for over a decade, our family is impoverished,
and all we have to eat is cold water with newspaper in it.
GEORGINA: Josephine, we’ve all been laying in
this bed for over a decade, our family is impoverished,
and all we have to eat is cold water with newspaper in it.
JOSEPHINE: And Joe’s been eating that newspaper
right alongside the rest of us.
right alongside the rest of us.
GEORGE: But wouldn’t that be enough to get him up
and out of bed so he could do something about it?
and out of bed so he could do something about it?
JOSEPHINE: Like what?
GEORGE and GEORGINA: Get a job?
JOSEPHINE: He has a job. He’s a grandpa.
GEORGE and GEORGINA: Get a job?
JOSEPHINE: He has a job. He’s a grandpa.
GEORGE: I’m a grandpa too!
JOSEPHINE: Please George, you barely talk.
You never give advice. You don’t even know how
to tap dance. I'd hardly call you a grandpa. You're
more like a great-uncle.
You never give advice. You don’t even know how
to tap dance. I'd hardly call you a grandpa. You're
more like a great-uncle.
GEORGE: What does tap dancing have to do
with being a grandfather?
with being a grandfather?
JOSEPHINE: All grandfathers know how to tap dance.
GEORGINA: I don’t think that’s correct, Josephine.
JOSEPHINE: So what are you accusing my husband
of exactly? Being secretly healthy all these years so
he could lie in bed and let his daughter-in-law support
him, all the while waiting for just the right moment to
spring up and soft-shoe before heading out the door
on a heartwarming adventure filled with twists and
turns galore?
of exactly? Being secretly healthy all these years so
he could lie in bed and let his daughter-in-law support
him, all the while waiting for just the right moment to
spring up and soft-shoe before heading out the door
on a heartwarming adventure filled with twists and
turns galore?
(A beat.)
GEORGE/GEORGINA: Yes./Pretty much, yeah.
JOSEPHINE: That is sickening of you to suggest.
If I could get up out of this bed and walk away
from the two of you, I would.
If I could get up out of this bed and walk away
from the two of you, I would.
GEORGE: Maybe we should offer you a trip to
Daisy Dippy's Pretzel Factory and see if that
does you any good.
Daisy Dippy's Pretzel Factory and see if that
does you any good.
JOSEPHINE: You know, maybe if you two let a
little joy into your life every so often, you’d be up
and able just like Joe is now.
little joy into your life every so often, you’d be up
and able just like Joe is now.
GEORGINA: And hat about you?
JOSEPHINE: What about me? I’m plenty joyful.
Every day I find a new thing to be grateful for.
JOSEPHINE: What about me? I’m plenty joyful.
Every day I find a new thing to be grateful for.
GEORGINA: What are you grateful for today?
JOSEPHINE: I’m grateful that I have so much
more room on my side of the bed now that my
husband is chaperoning our grandson to the
candy sweatshop or whatever it's called.
JOSEPHINE: I’m grateful that I have so much
more room on my side of the bed now that my
husband is chaperoning our grandson to the
candy sweatshop or whatever it's called.
GEORGE: And after he’s done chaperoning,
what do you suppose he’ll do then?
what do you suppose he’ll do then?
JOSEPHINE: Well--get back in bed, I would
imagine.
imagine.
GEORGINA: Why would he do that?
JOSEPHINE: He’s an old man!
GEORGE: We watched him perform a
four-minute musical number.
GEORGINA: There were clear beats
and everything.
four-minute musical number.
GEORGINA: There were clear beats
and everything.
JOSEPHINE: And you know what they say
about lightning.
about lightning.
GEORGE: That somebody who pretends
to be sick for years to get out of working
should be struck by lightning?
to be sick for years to get out of working
should be struck by lightning?
JOSEPHINE: You’re not very funny, George.
GEORGE: I’m sorry, Josephine, I guess years
of watching my legs shrivel up into twigs due
to inactivity really put a damper on my sense
of humor.
of watching my legs shrivel up into twigs due
to inactivity really put a damper on my sense
of humor.
GEORGINA: Why weren’t Joe’s legs atrophied?
JOSEPHINE: He does his stretches every day.
So do I. It’s not our fault if the two of you gave into
the slow march towards death.
GEORGINA: When do you do these stretches?
JOSEPHINE: Usually in the morning before yoga
but after kickboxing.
GEORGINA: Where are we while this is going on?
JOSEPHINE: Asleep. You're very heavy sleepers.
You wouldn't BELIEVE the things you two have
slept through. It's really something.
So do I. It’s not our fault if the two of you gave into
the slow march towards death.
GEORGINA: When do you do these stretches?
JOSEPHINE: Usually in the morning before yoga
but after kickboxing.
GEORGINA: Where are we while this is going on?
JOSEPHINE: Asleep. You're very heavy sleepers.
You wouldn't BELIEVE the things you two have
slept through. It's really something.
GEORGE: And who taught him how to dance?
He used to be a plumber.
He used to be a plumber.
JOSEPHINE: You think plumbers can’t dance?
Some of the best dancers I ever met were plumbers.
Joe. Bill. Tom the Waltzing Plumber. All of them.
Some of the best dancers I ever met were plumbers.
Joe. Bill. Tom the Waltzing Plumber. All of them.
GEORGINA: Well, once his little adventure is done,
he’s going to have to go back to being a plumber.
You can't expect our daughter to keep slaving away
at a laundry when there’s a perfectly healthy man
around to contribute.
he’s going to have to go back to being a plumber.
You can't expect our daughter to keep slaving away
at a laundry when there’s a perfectly healthy man
around to contribute.
JOSEPHINE: At least you still have a child.
My son worked his fingers to the bone
when he was alive just so he could keep
this family together, and look how well he did.
We’re all very close.
My son worked his fingers to the bone
when he was alive just so he could keep
this family together, and look how well he did.
We’re all very close.
GEORGE: That’s because we’re all in the
same bed!
same bed!
JOSEPHINE: Exactly. We’re very close.
GEORGE: Do you think it was my dream to
one day be snuggled up across from my
daughter’s in-laws?
one day be snuggled up across from my
daughter’s in-laws?
JOSEPHINE: I didn’t say it was a perfect
arrangement, George--
arrangement, George--
GEORGE: And for the record, your son
isn’t dead--
isn’t dead--
GEORGINA: George--
GEORGE: He ran off with a giant grasshopper.
JOSEPHINE: It was a cricket!
GEORGE: It was riding a peach, and it was
obscene. You raised a real sicko, I’ll tell you that.
obscene. You raised a real sicko, I’ll tell you that.
GEORGINA: Let’s all try to focus on the silver
lining here--
lining here--
GEORGE: That I’ll be dead soon?
GEORGINA: That--and!--Charlie was so happy.
(A beat.)
GEORGE: He was, wasn’t he?
JOSEPHINE: I can’t remember the last time I
saw him that happy.
saw him that happy.
GEORGINA: He was positively glowing.
GEORGE: I guess...I guess we should just forget
about all that other stuff.
about all that other stuff.
JOSEPHINE: I guess so.
GEORGE: And we are going to get all that chocolate.
JOSEPHINE: And maybe they’ll throw in some taffy.
GEORGE: Why would we want that?
We have six teeth left between the three of us.
Who can eat taffy? That’s the--
We have six teeth left between the three of us.
Who can eat taffy? That’s the--
GEORGINA: George.
GEORGE: You’re right. I’m sorry. Taffy would be
...interesting.
...interesting.
JOSEPHINE: And maybe Joe will get a job.
And maybe he’ll teach us how to dance.
And maybe we’ll all be up and out of bed soon
and back at our respective careers.
Then we’ll have five people adding to the
household income, not including Charlie when
he gets old enough to work in the cat litter factory
down the road, and that’ll be enough to move into
a place with real luxuries like heat and a door.
And maybe he’ll teach us how to dance.
And maybe we’ll all be up and out of bed soon
and back at our respective careers.
Then we’ll have five people adding to the
household income, not including Charlie when
he gets old enough to work in the cat litter factory
down the road, and that’ll be enough to move into
a place with real luxuries like heat and a door.
GEORGE: I suppose it’s possible. I am only
forty-two after all.
forty-two after all.
JOSEPHINE: YOU’RE ONLY FORTY-TWO?
GEORGE: Bed living is hard living, Josephine.
GEORGE: Bed living is hard living, Josephine.
GEORGINA: The point is--things are going to
get so much better now.
get so much better now.
GEORGE: That’s right.
JOSEPHINE: Yes, yes, yes. Joe and Charlie
are really going to turn things around for us,
you'll see. They'll steal Mr. Wonka's hearts
and he'll want to give them some of his
vast fortune to bring home so we don't
have to keep living this way.
GEORGINA: Maybe he'll give Charlie
his factory.
GEORGE: That run-down firetrap
that's been closed up for years?
That would be a nightmare. Josephine
is right. Let's just hope Wonka gives
the kid some money.
JOSEPHINE: Oh, he will. Joe and
Charlie will inspire him. They'll win
over his heart.
are really going to turn things around for us,
you'll see. They'll steal Mr. Wonka's hearts
and he'll want to give them some of his
vast fortune to bring home so we don't
have to keep living this way.
GEORGINA: Maybe he'll give Charlie
his factory.
GEORGE: That run-down firetrap
that's been closed up for years?
That would be a nightmare. Josephine
is right. Let's just hope Wonka gives
the kid some money.
JOSEPHINE: Oh, he will. Joe and
Charlie will inspire him. They'll win
over his heart.
(A beat.)
Provided they don’t touch anything...
The End
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