The Things I Can't Find in My Purse

Well, for one thing, my license

Forget about my license

I have no idea where my license is--ever

But I refuse to get a new one

Because I know it’s in there somewhere

I just don’t know where it is

Sometimes I dump my entire purse

Out onto a table

And then I usually find it

After a few hours of searching

But as soon as its back in the purse

There’s just no finding it

One time I got pulled over

And the officer asked for my license

And I told him it was in my purse

And something about the way I said ‘purse’

And the look on my face

Must have tipped him off

Because he let me go with a warning

I can’t find my social security card

I know that’s in there somewhere

Those sandwich cards?

Where you buy so many sandwiches

And you get a free one?

Well, I can never find the one I already filled out

So I always have to start a new one

But I’m sure if I added up all the ones

That are in my purse

I’d never have to buy another sandwich again

Same thing with haircuts

When the boys get a haircut

You run this special--it’s like a credit card

And after so many you get a free haircut

But I can never find the stupid card

And it looks like little Matty’s going to be bald eventually

Just like his father

So chances are

Those free haircuts are never going to be used

I can’t find my birth certificate

Or the kids

And I know I shouldn’t keep them in my purse

But I thought one day I might need them

And I probably will

But when I do

I won’t be able to find them

Without dumping my purse out in public

Which makes my husband cringe

But does he want to be responsible

For carrying around the entire history of our family?

Does he want to break down

And get a messenger bag

Like my brother has?

No

He wants to have a wallet

Just a wallet

Nothing but a wallet

And that means I have to worry about gum

And band-aids

And paperwork

And wet wipes

And sunscreen

And snacks

And it’s all in my purse

And I can’t find any of it

Instead I find toys my kids put in there

When I wasn’t looking

Half a loaf of bread

A copy of the Old Testament

A street map of San Diego

Never been there, by the way

Chopsticks--which is insane

I don’t know how to use them

And we never go anywhere that has them

But there they are

I can’t find my reading glasses

But I find a werewolf nose from Halloween

I can’t find my phone

But I find a yo-yo

I can’t locate my keys

But oh look!

Twenty euros

From that time I went to Spain

In college

You know who I envy?

Mary Poppins

Puts her hand in a bag

And out comes

Whatever it is

She’s looking for

I put my hand in my purse

And I’m half-expecting a rattlesnake

To clamp down on my arm

I told my husband all this

And he said--

Why don’t you just throw

Some of that stuff away?

I know

I know

One day when he needs

A yo-yo

He’s going to realize

What a ridiculous idea

That is