The Spoiler

(A group of friends--KATE, LAUREN,
SARAH, and LIZ--are all eating lunch.)

KATE:  That new movie looks amazing.

LAUREN:  Which one?

KATE:  The one about the dog?  Family Friend?

LIZ:  The dog dies.

SARAH:  Liz!

LIZ:  What? Sorry.  It dies.

KATE:  Well now I can’t--

LIZ:  Was I not supposed to--

SARAH:  No! You just spoiled the
movie.

LIZ:  Sorry.

KATE:  So you saw it?

LIZ:  No, I read the Wikipedia entry on it.  
To find out if the dog died. It dies.

LAUREN:  Wow. Okay.

LIZ  It’s not that unusual.  Sometimes movies
with dogs in them involve the dog dying--
actually it’s really frequent?  And I just didn’t
want to deal with that so--

KATE:  I mean, okay, that’s reasonable.

SARAH:  She still didn’t need to--

LIZ:  I’m sorry.

KATE:  No, but it’s--

LAUREN:  I just think it’s weird that your first
instinct was to look that up.

LIZ:  That’s always my first instinct.

SARAH:  So it’s not just dog movies?

LIZ:  No. I do it with every movie.

KATE, LAUREN, and SARAH:  Every movie?

LIZ:  And tv shows.  Books. Plays.  
Pretty much everything.

LAUREN:  And what if you can’t find
out the ending?

LIZ:  Oh, you can always find out the ending.

LAUREN:  But what if you can’t?

LIZ:  You always can.

LAUREN:  But what if--

LIZ:  If I couldn’t find out the ending,
I would get very, very mad.

(A beat.)

KATE/SARAH/LAUREN:  Okay then./Fair
enough./Wow, wow, wow.

LIZ:  Speaking of tv shows--

SARAH:  Who was speaking of--

LIZ:  I was.  Do you all watch America’s
Next Activist?

KATE:  Yes! I love it.  I’m rooting for Tyler,
the Animal Rights Guy.

LIZ:  Stacey wins.

SARAH:  Liz!

LAUREN:  Wow.

KATE: How would you even know who wins?
The finale hasn't aired yet.

LIZ:  What? It was on Reddit.  
I thought you all saw it.

SARAH:  We don’t go on Reddit.

LIZ:  Well how was I supposed to know that?

SARAH:  Who goes on Reddit?

LAUREN:  Clearly Liz does.

KATE:  I shouldn’t get invested in tv shows
so much anyway.

SARAH:  Kate, that’s not the point.

LIZ:  I enjoy it more knowing who wins.

LAUREN:  How does that make it more
enjoyable for you?

LIZ:  It’s like a mystery where they tell
you who the murderer is first.

SARAH:  That would be a terrible mystery.

LAUREN:  It wouldn’t even really be a
mystery at that point.

LIZ:  I don’t know.  I just wouldn’t be able
to handle the tension of not knowing who
wins.  I mean, some of these shows go on
for weeks and weeks. It would be
excruciating.

SARAH:  Then don’t watch.

LIZ:  I mean, it’s not that bad.  Not once you
know who makes it to the end.

SARAH:  Fine, then don’t spoil it for other people.

LIZ:  So wait, you all don’t want to know who wins?

KATE/SARAH/LAUREN:  Well.../No!/No.

LIZ:  Okay, sorry.  That’s just super weird to me.

SARAH:  People not wanting things to be spoiled for
them is weird to you?

LIZ:  Yeah. Is this why everybody got mad in high
school when I skipped to the end of Harry Potter
and told you all Dumbledore dies?

KATE:  I actually wasn’t friends with you in high
school and never got around to reading that.

LIZ:  Oh. Oops.

SARAH:  Liz, you always do this.

LIZ:  I just forget that it’s a big deal for all of you.

LAUREN:  You were the one that told me
Santa wasn’t real.

LIZ:  That was two years ago.

LAUREN:  Listen, I don’t shit on your religion, okay?

KATE:  Maybe Liz is right.  Maybe it’s silly to put
so much stock in not having stuff spoiled for you.  
Most of this is just make-believe, right?
Why get so hung up on it?

LIZ:  Thank you, Kate.

SARAH:  I still think it’s really inconsiderate.

LAUREN:  And selfish.

KATE:  Liz is our friend, and yes, she may be a
selfish, inconsiderate asshole, but if every once
in awhile she slips and tell us the ending of that
movie we’re seeing next week--

LIZ:  The girl and her brother are the same person.

KATE:  --or the book we’re all reading for book club--

LIZ:  The environmentalist kidnapped the two kids.

KATE:  --or the play we got tickets for in June.

LIZ:  It’s all a dream.

LAUREN:  Wow.

KATE:  The point is, we’re friends, and we do these
things so we have a reason to see each other, and
talk, and let’s face it, we probably should be talking
more about what’s going on in our lives than about
pop culture anyway, right?

SARAH/LAUREN:  Yeah, I guess./Whatever.

KATE:  So maybe we can all get something out of Liz
spoiling stuff all the time.  Maybe it’ll make us better
friends, and maybe even--better people?

LIZ:  Hey, did you all hear how Game of Thrones--

KATE:  DON’T YOU DARE, LIZ.  DON’T. YOU.
DARE. I WILL DESTROY YOU.  DO YOU
UNDERSTAND ME? YOU OPEN THAT SPEWING
SEWAGE LEAK YOU CALL A MOUTH ONE MORE
TIME AND I’M GOING TO REACH ACROSS THIS
TABLE AND SMOTHER YOUR IN YOUR STUPID
KALE SALAD, ALL RIGHT?  ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT?

(A beat.)

LIZ:  Sure, yeah, no problem.

(A moment.)

KATE:  Great. That’s great.  So--are we all still going
on that meditation retreat this summer?

SARAH:  Uh--

KATE:  I could really use it.  Lauren, thoughts?

LAUREN:  Wow.

KATE:  Great. Just great.

The End