The Rehearsal

Ironically
The shit hit the fan
For a rehearsal
Of The Rehearsal

This satire of Restoration theater

It was getting easier to get performance space at that point
Because people knew who we were
The Orpheus Group
Because rehearsal space was a different story

So we ended up rehearsing
In parks
In parking lots
In parked cars some of the time

Just running dialogue
Or whatever

This was back when Beau directed everything
He'd get paranoid whenever we suggested
Letting someone else direct

He was very territorial
And not just about the company either
But let's not stray too far from the story here

We'd sort of hit the jackpot
With this old widow Harriet
That we called The Grand Dame

She liked acting
And she wasn't all that bad
But what really made her valuable
Is that she lived in this huge house
With these giant rooms
That you could have blocked an opera in

You just had to be careful because in addition to all this wide open space
There were these shelves filled with antique pottery and shit like that

Some of them were even on pedestals

Now, not all theater people
Are graceful and poised
So we were really careful
Not to go near any of the expensive stuff

You can see how I'm setting up the scene here
I usually got cast as the narrating character
In whatever play we were doing

I spent four years with the company
Then went to L.A. and started doing audiobooks
But that's neither here nor there

Right now, we're at the rehearsal
Priceless objects all around
And Beau is in a bad, bad mood

Nobody really knew why
But his wife
And the mother of his child
Seemed to be kind of on edge too

She was one of our best actresses
So when she started going up on lines
And screwing up the blocking
We knew something had to be going down

So Beau starts in on his wife
And she wasn't one you wanted to start in on

Pretty soon they're arguing
Yelling
Going back and forth
And we're all trying to calm them down
Because the Grand Dame is upstairs asleep

She used to rehearse with us until nine or so
And then we'd keep going while she went to bed
And we'd lock the door on the way out

Anyway, Beau and the little lady are fighting
And the fight's getting bad
I mean, really bad
Like they're going all in
And Beau's wife is looking at me like...

Like was I going to say anything?

And I kept looking at her like
This is between you and your husband

And that was the wrong look to give her
Because then she tells Beau

...Well, she tells Beau about the kid

How his son's not...you know, his

And the whole place goes quiet
And everyone's looking around because
You know, all the guys in the company
All the guys it could be
Are there
In that room

And Beau takes a second
And then it hits him

It hits him that the guy his wife has been sleeping with
Is within a few feet of him

So he looks around
And he looks around
And nobody's moving
Because it's Beau, you know
I mean, this guy was...

I mean, he was crazy

He wasn't a big guy or anything
But you knew he'd be the type
To slit your throat
And not think twice about it

And his eyes lock on me

And Beau and I...

I mean, we were like brothers, you know?
We were...

Nobody was closer than us

So he's looking at me
And I'm thinking--

He knows

He knows what I did

But then I realize--

He's not looking at me because he knows it's me
He's looking at me asking
Asking, like, with his eyes
If I know who it is

If I know who his son's father is

Then from behind him
He hears his wife say

'Yeah'

And he turns and looks at her
Then back at me
And she says it again

'Yeah'

And he knows
And so does everybody else
Even though everybody knew anyway
And, uh...

That was that

I thought he was going to murder me
Right then and there

But instead he went around the room
And picked up every thing he could get his hands on
And smashed it to pieces
Right on the floor
Right in front of us

And nobody tried to stop him
Nobody tried to do a thing

And I wasn't lying about what I said earlier
I stayed on with the company after that
And so did his wife
And when his son got older
The kid'd come to rehearsals
And it got clearer and clearer
That he was mine
Because he looked just like me

And...

And what do you say, you know?

What do you say?

What do you do?

We still got to use the Grand Dame's house
Because she thought some crazy person snuck into the place
And busted all her things
She didn't think anybody in their right mind
Would do that much damage to so many beautiful things
For no reason

And she was right

Nobody in their right mind would
And not for no reason
But...

I bet you think it's nuts
That we all kept working together after that
But we're theater people
We accept the fact that life is dramatic
And you live with it
You live with the insanity
With the intensity of it all

If anything, you thrive on it

When I finally did leave the company for L.A.
I didn't leave because things got uncomfortable

If anything, things were getting easier

I left because...

Because that kid called me Dad

Once, by accident

My back was turned
And me and Beau had the same hair color
And the kid must have thought...

He said 'Dad?' --Just like that

And when I heard him
When I heard him say it

I knew it was time to go

That's when I knew
The show was over