Uncle Vanya

Let me tell you
What I used to do

I used to work all day
As a secretary
For a Mr. Jack Schohl
In an office downtown
While my kids were at school
And my husband was sitting home
Betting on races

If it sounds very Mad Men
Then please let me assure you--

It wasn't

Back then
Your boss never looked like Jon Hamm

An actual ham, maybe
But not Jon Hamm

And none of us could have afforded
The outfits they wear on that show

We wore pale grey sales rack items
From Macy's
If we were lucky
And quite often
I was not lucky

More than quite often, actually

After I'd get out of work
I'd pick up the kids from school
Bring them home
Make dinner
Make sure my husband hadn't had his legs broken by a bookie that day
Check homework
Clean
Scrub
Vacuum
Beg my husband to give the kids a bath before bed
Knowing full well he was going to forget
And I'd have to get up early
And do it tomorrow morning
And then take off for--

Rehearsal

I was the only working mother
In the acting company
If you didn't count Beau's wife
Beau was the Artistic Director
And I don't count her
Because she brought her son to rehearsal
And he was one of those demon babies
Who sits quietly for hours
While heavy machinery is operated directly above his head

My kids were not like that
So they had to stay at home
And I had to call them
During every break
To make sure they hadn't burnt the house down

NOW

If rehearsal had been pleasant and lovely
Perhaps I would have felt rejuvenated being there
And it would have been good for my soul
And all that

But rehearsals with Beau
Were not exactly a trip
To the ice cream parlor

He was...dramatic

I don't blame him
He was an artist
But even by artist standards
He was...

The words 'serial killer' keep jumping into my mind
For some reason

Anyway, we were doing Uncle Vanya
As the fourth show of our second season
And I was playing Yelena
Which was my first lead role
Because normally Beau's wife got all the leads
But he wanted her to play my stepdaughter
Which was ridiculous
But I guess that was kind of the point

I was nervous
Incredibly nervous
And Beau was on me
All the time
About everything

He didn't think I was up to par
With the rest of the cast

Keep in mind
Every day was getting up early
Screaming children
Husband dragging the family down into debt
Working with The Ham
Coming home
Cleaning, endless cleaning
And then, and THEN--

Rehearsal

But Beau didn't want to be bothered with any of that

He wanted to pretend
We were all in New York
Working on Broadway
Going home to empty penthouse apartments
And sleeping until noon everyday

He didn't want to know about our lives

Oh sure, he would have told you different
We were the acting company
We were all so close
Beyond mere co-workers and friends

We were family

But the truth is
I don't even think he knew
I had kids

And I wasn't the type
To throw that out as an excuse

'Oh, I have kids, I can't' or whatever

That was not me

I was aware
That I was making a choice to act
And yes, when we all did start getting paid
The extra money came in handy

But it was more that--

It was that this was something I needed to do

I was a wife
I was a mom
I was a secretary

But I was also something else

I was...an actress

And that was important to me
It was important to honor that part of me

God, that sounds ridiculous

The point is I made it work
I made it all work
All the time

I was great
At making
It work

Well, anyway
Vanya

It was tech week
Which is hell anyway
I mean, you know that
Even non-actors know that
But this was...

This was a special kind of hell

If you're writing a show
About the acting company
That's what you should call it

'A Special Kind of Hell'

Beau was insufferable
I mean, he was just...

He was stressed out
We were on the verge
Of really becoming something
And that was putting him on edge
And I get that
But he was really out of line
A lot of the time

And finally, I just lost it

He was on my case
About this one piece of blocking
That I couldn't get
Because it didn't feel right
And he lost it
And we started screaming at each other
I mean, really screaming
And people were--because I didn't scream
Not ever
Not in life
I didn't scream

And I was screaming

And I did it

I actually did it

I pulled kids card

Because--

You know, Beau didn't work
Not even in the early days

The acting company
The illustrious important
Orpheus Acting Company
Was always his job
Even before it was called that
Before we even had our own space

I don't know if he came from money
Or whatever
But he never worked

So who was he?
Who was he to make things so difficult
On those of us who did?

Who had to make things work?
Who the fuck was he?

Sorry

I'm sorry

Jesus

I lost it
And I said--

'Beau, my son is sick with a fever and my daughter's been throwing up and my husband took off two days ago and hasn't come home yet and I realize none of this is your problem and that we open this week and I'm not giving you what you want but if you can't be sensitive to all that and if you're nto willing to hear any of that and if you're willing to put theater and art and a fucking PLAY above actual PEOPLE and that talking to me like I'm a goddammed moron, like I'm less than human, is going to somehow HELP things then I seriously doubt we can have any kind of working relationship.'

And it worked

He backed down

They don't call it a card for nothing

You pull it
And it works

And I actually got a few more leads after that
But then...

But then I stopped being able to make it all work
So...

So I stopped
Acting
And I just...

Never went back

And I died fairly young
My husband even outlasted me
And at my funeral
Beau showed up
And shook everyone's hands
And told them...

He said I always amazed him

He never understood
How I could do it
How I could...

Do it all

Maybe that was the problem
Maybe the problem was
He never got
Why any of us were there

He never understood
That there were actually people
People standing four feet in front of him
Who cared about it
Even more than he did