The Seating Arrangement

Okay

We're going to put your aunt
Next to my grandmother
Unless she's going to drink
Is she going to drink?

Because my grandmother is on the wagon
And if your aunt drinks
She'll fall off the wagon
And we'll have my drunken grandmother
Demanding to sing 'The Rose'

And nobody is singing 'The' fucking 'Rose'
At my goddammed wedding

So is your aunt going to drink?

Perfect
Just perfect

. . . . .

How about if we put your stepmother
Next to your mother?
Well why not?
Well why can't they get along?
Just because they were both married to your father?

People get divorced
People get remarried
People get over it
What's their problem?

Oh my God
Like your mother is the first person
Who's ever been cheated on

Well if they were best friends once
Then they can be best friends again
Our wedding can bring them together

FINE!

It was just a suggestion

. . . . .

What if we put Father Michael
Next to your cousin Amanda?

Since when?
Since when is she an atheist?
Since when?

Is she vocal about it?
Can't she be a quiet atheist?

UGH!

But she's fat!
Who wants to sit next to a fat atheist?
Who am I going to seat her next to?

Some fat girl
Talking about Richard Dawkins
It would ruin anybody's--

I'll put her next to my sister

. . . . .

What if we move Darryl to Table 8?
Why can't we?
What do you mean you can't tell me?

I'm going to be your wife!
You can't tell me?
Are you kidding?

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME EVERYTHING!
WE'RE GOING TO BE JOINED IN A SACRED BOND!
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
TELL MEEEEEEEE!

...Oh

Jesus

God

Wow

Um...okay

Yeah, you should have kept that to yourself

. . . . .

Okay, we're done
We're done
And everything's fine
And everybody will love each other
And the world will be at peace

...Wait a minute...

Who's this?
Who's this 'M'?
I don't know an 'M'
Nobody I know has a name
That starts with the letter 'M'

Who is--

You did not
You did not
You did not

YOU DID NOT INVITE MELISSA
YOUR EX-WHORE
TO MY WEDDING!

That's it
It's over

IT'S OVER

You are so fucking gone
It's not even funny

I HATE YOU!

. . . . .

Your Aunt Mary?

Oh

Well, that's all right then

Okay, so we're perfect

Just perfect