Bitch is Crazy

First of all
I did not eat her tofu krispies
Because I do not eat tofu krispies
Because I don't believe human beings
Should eat anything
That tastes like cedar

Second of all
Bitch is crazy

Third of all
I don't owe her any money
Because she killed all my plants

I own seven prize-winning geraniums
And that bitch killed every last one

She's a horticultural murderer
Dumb bitch

Fourth of all
She says I interrupted her silent study
Which is such a lie
Because when she says she's silent studying
She's really crying into her pillow
Because her Daddy never loved her

She does this three times a day
Because her therapist told her to
And I know because I read her Feelings Diary

I even made an entry of my own
Right before I moved out

Dear Diary, I'm a bitch, Love Lanie

Fifth of all,
Bitch is crazy

Sixth of all,
She pours pancake mix into milk
And drinks it like it's a shake

You know who does that?
People who touch little kids

It's a fact
It's a damn fact

Seventh of all,
Bitch is crazy

Eighth of all,
She can't prove I lit the couch on fire
As a symbolic gesture
Of how much I hate her

I quit smoking months ago
So I wouldn't even have any matches on me
Nor would I waste a match
On that uglyass couch her Mom gave us
Because it probably wasn't even flammable
Because it was probably made out of titanium
Because that's how it felt when you sat on it

Ninth of all,
Bitch is crazy

And finally,
That's why we're not speaking
Once we get back from the Gaga concert
Which we have to go to
Because neither one of us wants to sell our tickets

Let me tell you something though
That's going to be one quiet car ride
Because I'm not talking to that bitch

Because she's crazy