The Gypsy in the Closet

Several things...

First, I don't know who invited the gypsy
But I am not amused
I am so far beyond amused
I couldn't even see amused
If I had a telescope
And a pair of binoculars
With which to look through the telescope

Secondly, I have locked the gypsy in the closet

She went in quietly
But that's because I told her
In broken Romanian

(Thank God for useless college liberal arts degrees that make you take random European languages)

I told her
That there was a goat in the closet
That she could have
If she could get it out
From behind the winter coats

Children, you know your mother
Didn't you know that if you were going to try and ruin my day
By bringing a gypsy to the house
That you should have at least brought a smart gypsy?

Thirdly, you're all disowned
Every last one of you
Up until now
I didn't believe you
When you said that you hated me

But now I see that you do

And guess what?
I hate you too

So here's what I'm going to do
I'm going to keep this gypsy in this closet
And I'm going to feed her
And give her water
And a bucket to matriculate in

Then, when your birthdays roll around
I'm going to put her on a leash
And parade her around
In front of your friends

I'm going to feed her pasta salad
And not give her napkins

I'm going to tell her things about you
I'm going to sit here every night
And whisper secrets about you
Underneath the crack in the closet door

And when she finally dies
Which will probably only take a few years
I'm going to make you go to her funeral
And stand in the receiving line
And let her entire gypsy family
Curse you for what you did to her

Because they won't believe I did it

That I, a grown wealthy intelligent woman
Would lock a gypsy in a closet

That must be the act of three deranged psychotic uncontrollable children
Who should have gypsy curses put on their heads

Ahhh not laughing now, are we?

Oh nooo
We can't let her out now
She might bite us

She's going to stay right where she is
And we're all going to have cake

Because it's my birthday
The gypsy is still my present
And I'm not ready to unwrap her yet