Clearly This Was a Mistake

You need to get out of my bed

You need to get up
You need to put on...

Did you even wear pants at any point
Last night?

Or did I pick you up at a nudist beach somewhere?

I'm so confused

Clearly, this was a mistake

Is that your natural hair color?
Is that a tattoo of a mermaid?
Are you a sailor or something?

This is horrible

I'm that person
I'm THAT person, right now

I have no absolutely no idea what we did
But I smell like maple syrup
And my skin has a faint orange hue to it
So I'm thinking we made love on a stack of pancakes
And then went tanning

Does any of that sound familiar to you?

Huh?

No?

Hello?

Oh God

Do you speak English?

...Fuck me

No!

No, stay back!

Apparently, you understand SOME English

Bad--Me, Bad
You--Naked, Bad
Us--Very Bad
Last Night?

Noche de Last?

No No No No No Naughty No No

What do you think the odds are
That my roommate found a man
Desperate enough to sleep with her last night?

. . . . .

Nope, I can hear her waddling in the living room

Please tell me you didn't leave your pants out there?

Oh god, why is my sofa cushion on top of my bookcase?

Did we not immediately come into my bedroom
Before engaging in--whatever we engaged in?

Is that my spatula on the night stand?
Is that a photo of my roommate's dad on top of my shoes?
She keeps that photo in her room

Oh my God--did we--

Oh no...

There's a note under my door

. . . . .

You should consider yourself really lucky you don't read English
Because this note...

This is what we call
Mortifying

Mor-ti-fying

No, no, no
No touchy
No touchy my body

We clearly did enough of that
Last night
During our reign of terror

Why is my phone going off at 8am?

. . . . .

Uh...

Do you remember me texting last night?
Was I texting?

Here, look at me

Holding phone
Pressing buttons
See this word

'SEND'

Was I doing that a lot?

I need to check my outbox

Oh God...
Oh no...
Oh I'm going to kill whoever invented texting...

What does this little--

My phone can take picture messages?

Oh God...
Oh no...
Oh that's you, isn't it?

And that's me, isn't it?

And that's...

Ohhh nooo...

You know
My last phone
Didn't let you do mass texts

That was a good phone
I should have kept that phone

. . . . .

Sooo...

I have to call a few...

...Hundred people

And tell them that apparently
Jenna Jameson stole my phone last night
While I was praying at an all-night chapel

So I'm going to get on that
And you need to get on
Getting dressed

Okay?

Comprende?

. . . . .

Look

I know you're sad
That you have to leave
Probably because you're in this country illegally
Because that's just how I roll

But last night was a mistake
Clearly, a mistake
And we need to move on from it
And move on with our lives

Okay?

. . . . .

Well...

I guess one more mistake won't kill me