The Last Place on Earth

We haven't gotten cancer yet
But we're anticipating it
Like many other things

We only just got hurricanes
A month ago
But we'd read up on them
So we were fairly prepared

As prepared as you can be
When every structure on your island
Is made of straw and coconut husk

All of this may sound strange to you
But then again, maybe not

You see, we're the last place on Earth
To get pretty much everything

You read about places like us in books

'Such-and-such a place didn't have polio
Until a hundred years after the rest of the world...'

That's what we're like
A tropical place
Waiting for every awful thing in the world
To land on our shores

We had thousands of years
Of nothing

No stress
No trouble
No disease or famine
Crime or malcontent

But that's slowly ending

And to be honest
We're relieved

You see, when you live in a place
Where nothing's wrong
All you do is worry
About the day when something will go wrong

Because you understand
That the longer you go without trouble
The bigger the trouble will be
When it finally arrives

It made us all
Incredibly ill-tempered

Often you'd see someone walking along the beach
On a beautiful day
And you'd say--'Gorgeous day, isn't it?'
And they'd shake their head and respond--

'Boy, we're really going to get it one of these days'

And you'd know they were right
And it would just ruin
Your whole day

And no, there wasn't any disease
But people were dying of heart attacks
Brought upon by the stress that comes
From waiting for disease

When nobody you know has ever died from anything but old age
You start to imagine how bad it must be
To die in other ways

And pretty soon
Rumors start
And before you know it
Your grandfather is convinced
That he's going to be the first person
To die from malaria
And he's telling you that he heard from your cousin
That when you get malaria
You turn into a giant lizard
With blue genitalia

And good luck convincing him otherwise

So when the hurricane hit
We were all so relieved

Finally, something bad had happened

Now we can all relax

Paradise is lovely
But knowing it won't always be paradise
And waiting around
For that shift to happen

Well, believe me
That's hell on Earth